I need help. Long post, please read :/

I don't know how to approach this other than to summarize my problems and hope someone reads this. I don't know what to do...

Self Image: Knowing both that I am pretty and that I am ugly. Feeling confident in my appearance is rare and usually occurs when I am drunk. I never feel totally confident in the way that I look regardless of what people tell me. Often, I find myself staring at the mirror picking out every little thing that I can to prove to myself that I am unappealing.

Weight: I am 5'3'' and I weigh about 122lbs at the moment. For my build, I am not fat by any means. This doesn't effect my self image issues. I probably spend about 30 minutes throughout the day staring in the mirror and wishing I were smaller.
Intelligence: I often compare myself to others, mostly my boyfriend whom is incredibly intelligent. I have a constant fear of being unintelligent. I always make jokes about my stupidity in social settings.

History of Parents Physical Abuse: My father was/is physically abusive towards my mother. Rarely, he was abusive towards me. In the past, I have intervened in an altercation between them. I have also lashed out towards my father and in one instance I ripped a phone off the wall and smashed it into his face after he abused my mother.

History of Parents Emotional Abuse: I have been called far more names than I can remember, mostly from my father. The emotional abuse has been direct and also indirect due to their negligence as parents and obsession with lying. 

History of Parents Mental Health: I believe that my parents have been irreversibly effected by the chemicals they consume. That in combination with weak self image problems in both and possibly other tendencies towards poor mental health. My parents constantly and rapidly switch from sadness to anger to depression to self loathing to loathing me. In short, my mother thinks that she earned a doctorate at Loyola for Psychology (ironically enough) as well as being convinced of constant conspiracies that threaten her.. My father at first seems sane, but he also lives in a dream world where his actions know no consequences.

Taunting in School:Throughout primary and secondary education I was tormented for being weird/nerdy/ugly etc. An episode of this ended in a classmate chopping off my ponytail in class. Another example would be my destructive group of friends in early adolescence who made a game out of how many times they could make me cry in class. In high school, I naturally gravitated to a social group that was self destructive. All of the members of this social circle self harmed/had suicidal tendencies and most had been admitted into a psych ward at some point.

Although I could elaborate further on all of these subjects, This is a very brief description of what I believe are the most important aspects of my poor mental health. I have never been admitted into a psychiatric facility nor have I contacted a psychologist, counselor or any other mental health professional until now. I am unsure of what help I want or what help I need.

Please read forum rules as we are not to discuss self harm, suicide or illegal drugs.  And some of your post was a little too sexually explicit.  I am sorry for having to edit your post, but I have to follow forum rules.

Thanks for understanding.

Karen

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 6/23/2010 4:23:06 PM (GMT-6)

Hi Frombehindcloseddoors

Welcome to the HW Depression Forum.

You say you have never seen a mental health professional, because of what you have been through and been subjected to, I think you should see your doctor and get a referral as soon as possible. They will be able to help you with all of your issues.

I hope for your sake that you are not living at home. You sound like a very attractive girl to me but you have huge self esteem issues, which I don't blame you for considering the abuse you have suffered.

I can only urge you to seek professional help immediately. I hope you will post again and let us know how you are going.

I think that we come to a point that when our minds are ready for help, we tend to feel we need it. Like your mind has been protecting you all these years and now it is ready to put everything behind you and move on. That is what you are going to have to do. Acknowledge everything and move on.

Check with your local mental health establishment and see if there are any programs for people who can't afford counseling. Also check with your department of human services. They often have programs that you would qualify for. But they don't advertise, you have to ask within.

Best wishes for feeling better soon. Know that we are all here to support you.

Hugs, Karen

Hi there Behindcloseddoors...in reading your posts I very much identify with many of your situations. I have had various parental issues ranging from dealing with addiction problems to the horrible depression that my mother has been dealing with. It had gotten to the point, a long time ago, where I basically have taken on the social role of caretaker/parent. It is a very difficult thing to deal with, to realize the lacking of ones own parents (who are supposed to be invincible).

As far as the self image thing goes, I am not the normal person as most would see. I have very long hair, I was heavier in middle school (which I was taunted for), and when I reached high school I was the quiet/scary/long haired guy but only because no one would talk to me and I was certainly not about to approach them. These problems from our past, from school, from an unhealthy self image...you just need to realize they are wrong. At some point a worry goes from realistic and possible to a far fetched paranoia, the trick is noticing when that happens. I had quiet a bad self image, very very little confidence...but as I am older now I realize that I am not as unattractive as I thought (and I am guessing that you also can come to this realization about yourself), hehe years change quite a lot.

I also ended up dabbling in a number of what would be considered "destructive crowds", people who rebelled, caused trouble, were smokers (not cigs), drank and partied. I found some amount of relief involving myself in some of those pursuits...but I know it is only a distraction. As much as some of it might or does help the symptoms of a person's unhappiness, they most certainly do not address the source. Over the years I extracted myself from the random stupid trouble makers and unfocused rebels, both being entirely pointless. I think people like us are drawn to them initially but the fact is that you were probably in those crowds for completely different reasons than most of them were.

On the subject of looking for help, hehe I also happen to be in the exact same frame of mind. I have always thought to myself that I do not have problems of that kind, problems that need "help". I had fought against the reality for a long time, fought against my lack of focus, fought against my ever deepening sadness...but all that does is allow you to sink further. At least in my realizations I am beginning a new understanding of myself, might not be solving some of them...but at least I am getting a more clear picture, and that is better than nothing.

One thing you can most certainly be thankful for is your boyfriend...having someone that will be there for you and listen to you is such a wonderful gift...dealing with it on your own would probably be quite a bit more painful, I would know. Also do not worry about your intelligence, from what I have read I am pretty sure you do not have much to worry about in that department. Realize that you do not need to be any smaller, for your height and weight I'd say you are about perfect :). And although it is difficult, try to put the issues with your parents that happened in the past exactly there, in the past. Being out of your parents house and not being directly faced with those frustrations and problems gives you the chance to start to recover from them. Sometimes a time of distance can allow both parties to realize the reality of the situation, on their part to realize their wrongdoings, and your part to forgive them their wrongdoings and stitch the wounds. I will stop here because I think I may be starting to rant, lol. I hope that I have been able to help in some small way, just remember that you are beautiful, you are smart (I can tell from your writing), and the thing that needs changing is simply your unhealthy view of yourself. Keep on posting if you'd like and I will reply, your post very much reminded me of myself and I would be more than happy if I could help.


Christian

Post Edited (-Misunderstood-) : 6/25/2010 4:25:24 AM (GMT-6)