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I hate myself. I never learn

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Posted 7/4/2010 8:12 PM (GMT 0)
First all, I have 3 chronic things going on Bipolar ( although I have bee deprssed 2 years, COPD...a new diiagnosis, guess even tho I quit cgaretts 4 years 35 years of smoking caught up with me, and Restless Leg Syndrome which expect no one to understand unless you've had it...it's hell.  So mu husband I were talking this morning, and  basically said that I did NOT (especially) the dression to dominant our lives.  That I tought we both derserve a life outside of it and a good start would be to talk about if less.  That  I fully realized he started getting angry and rejecting if I brought up the depression issue and The definition fo insanity was when you kept going back over and over, expecting diffirent reults.  I tol dhim I thought I had falen into that trap and I would do my best not to keep coming to him.   have been married to this guy 41 years  and beleive me I have given him a run for his money.  But I asked him what he thought he was capable of as far as support, listening on a limited basis (with the option to cut me off if I got to be too oeveerhelming, etc.,,In other wrods he had the freedom to step back if needed.  I felt that having talked like we did, I could deal with it (let's face it, there is always the messgae boards!!)

So ending up discuession, I just asked him where he could fit in. it was 100% agreed less talk about bepolar and hsi answer was that he did not fit in anywhere and  he saw his only role and obligation to me was financial support. and he walked out the house and havne't heard from him for 5 hours.  I am don't know what to think.  Our deicussion was civlied...no raised voices and iit got a lot of issues and I kind of thought it as problem solving.  Guess I called that one wrong

This probably isn't signifcant, about year  Ago DH started attendindoc appointemnts with me and he and the doc

discussed me like I wasn't there.

I reaaly don't know what to do

Posted 7/4/2010 9:01 PM (GMT 0)
Wow,

That really blows my mind Horse Crazy.  To think he would react that way is beyond me.  I feel really bad for you.  Especially that he would say that he just needs to support you financially.  But maybe he just can't handle the depression end anymore and I just hope he still loves you enough to be there.  I guess I wouldn't discuss it anymore with him.  And hope that things get back to where they were before the depression discussion.  I don't feel like I am being very supportive here.  This must be crushing to you.  Please keep posting and let us know how things are going for you.  I feel that there should be a lot more said on my part to comfort you.  It just sounds so off base and out of the rational to me that he would walk out like that and you haven't heard from him for five hours.  Let us know what happens.

As for the restless leg syndrome, I had that before.  I have fibro and it kind of goes along with it.  But I tried the mirapex and that made me feel worse.  It felt like things were crawling on my legs.  So I stopped it.  I hope that you find something to help you.  I get up and walk and it subsides. 

Gentle hugs, Karen 

Posted 7/4/2010 9:45 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Horse Crazy.   My heart went thud for you as I read your part about the "civilized" discussion, him saying he thought you only needed him for financial assistance and then walking out.  My first thought is that he probably really needs the 5+ hours away for space.  And I know this is easier said than done, but no matter how much it kills you inside I would not call him or try to find him at this time.  It sounds like he just needs to try to work this through or even deaden his feelings on his own. 

You are very lucky to have had him give you such support for 41 years.  After my own symptoms of MDD and anxiety came about with a vengeance ten years ago, my former husband couldn't and wouldn't hear of it.  But on the other hand, I can understand how you must have felt let down and crushed inside when you heard he didn't want to hear or talk about it anymore.   While you are waiting for him to come back, why don't you try to pass the time doing something that would help you calm down and to escape some of your own feelings for awhile.  As your name is Horse Crazy, I imagine you must have your own horse.  Could you go brush him down for a bit and perhaps get a ride in?  Or could you take a long walk somewhere and get out of the house by yourself for awhile?  I'm thinking it is probably a bad idea for you to stay there by yourself right now.

I wish I had some magical words or advice to help you get through this.  While I am not in your position, I do know how it feels to be let down.  Please let us know how you are doing and my thoughts will be with you in the interim.

Cass

 

Posted 7/5/2010 1:15 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Gail

I feeling really sorry for you right now, I wish I could give you a big hug. It sounds to me that he probably just couldn't take it any more at that minute when you were talking. He will be back and probably tell you how sorry he is, he didn't mean it, it just all got on top of him because it has dominated your lives for so long. I probably wouldn't talk about it for a little while either. I know you need his support but just don't mention it for now.

Take Cass's advice and go for a horse ride or a long walk, it will make you feel better getting out the house for a little while.

Remember we all say things when we aren't thinking right, you say it was civilised so I can only imagine he is feeling as bad as you are right now, but he would have more guilt than you. You have been together all those years and it probably has had its rocky moments, every marriage does, some worse than others, but I am sure the good times far outweigh the bad, so he will be back when he realises that.

Keep posting darling, I am thinking of you and you are in my prayers.
Posted 7/5/2010 2:42 PM (GMT 0)
Horse Crazy,

How are you today??? Please let us know what is going on. We all care about you...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/5/2010 2:57 PM (GMT 0)
He might just not feel capable of handling the emotional aspect of issues, and his way to deal with it is to shut down. You might have to look to professionals for those issues of emotional support and dealing with your issues. That is why (in part) therapists exist, because people have severe issues that are not being handled (in the correct manner) by their family/friends. It just might be beyond their capabilities as human beings to fulfill those kind of needs, and that is actually ok (it might help to think of it as their emotional handicap). Granted it is not great, but sometimes you got to meet people where they are at, and appreciate with compassion that is what they can give right now.
So what is your strength right now, he at least stated he felt obligated to financial support you.

After 41 years this must just feel like the deck got blow out from underneath you. So like the others I encourage you to cling those rocks that are within you. Like horseback riding for one.
Posted 7/5/2010 3:32 PM (GMT 0)
I am going for a horseback ride today. The good news is the horse always lifts my spirits. The downside is because I have arthritis in my hips I need help getting on and off the horse, which is DH's "job." However, I will say this...he is always there and never complains about the on/off issue with the horse. In fact, he encourages it. He came home late last night and we really haven't talked. Kind of a walking on egg shells situation. However, right now I think the silence is good, because I am still feeling needy and needy is not conducive to a decent conversation. I sort of need to regroup and that I can do. You know, he is great at doing stuff for me if he can fix it. I think he feels totally helpless when I hit him with a problem he can't fix, like depression. I do have a very long term therapist who knows me backwards and forwards, but he recently broke his hip and is out of commission for awhile. I am sure this contributes to me going to DH with issues I normally save for the therapist. My pdoc is worthless, except for the meds. While sleepwalking two night ago, I took my journal and buttered (yep, buttered) each and every page. What a mess, not to say what it did to the journal!! Anyway, I do bizarre things when I sleepwalk and I have no memory of it. So anyway, that upset me. Thank you for your support. Right now I need it and I need gentle reminders to stay away from touchy subjects!!! Myabe when everyone is in a better mood, my DH and I need to make an actual list of off limit and an OK list of issues to be discussed. I have used theHot topics" list when working with folks in marriage counseling.
Sigh!! If I could only apply the things I do as a marriage counselor to my real life.
Posted 7/5/2010 5:17 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Horse Crazy.

I'm glad that you came back on to let us know how you're doing. I felt that your husband would come back when he was ready and I'm so glad that he did. The new information that you shared says a lot. It sounds like you are climbing the walls without your therapist. No wonder you went to your husband to try to fill the void you are feeling since your therapist is out of commission. Don't knock yourself out because of this though. If I was in your shoes I probably would have done the same thing. Especially as your husband has always been solidly behind you.

It is great that your husband is a "fix it" man. And it makes sense that he becomes frustrated when dealing with things that are out of his control.

Because you feel like you are both walking on egg-shells at the moment, perhaps you could do something for him that shows him how much you really love him; something that doesn't require words. Does he have a favorite meal that you have cooked for him over the years? Perhaps if or when you are feeling up to it you could do something to show him you really care it might make him feel better too. Sometimes actions speak louder than words and that might be what you both need right now.

Meanwhile, has or could your therapist recommend someone else you could see while he is out of commission? I know it would be really hard and not the same; yet perhaps you could find some type of comfort or balance from this.

Please feel free to keep posting on here.

Cass
Posted 7/5/2010 5:24 PM (GMT 0)
I think it is hard to be objective when it comes to ourselves and practice as we preach in other words.  We tend to overlook the obvious at times.  That is normal. 

I have to laugh about you buttering your journal.  Though I know that you probably had some very important things in there.  Do you by any chance take ambien?  My husband and I do.  He tends to talk and do things in his sleep.  It is funny for the most part.  I am sorry about your journal, but you did give me a chuckle.  Thank you...

I am glad that you have your horse to ride when you are feeling down.  I have the dogs and that helps me so much.  I walk them and that is good therapy for myself too.  Thank God for animals and pets.  I feel a horse is a majestic animal.  So big and powerful, but so good for the soul.  I am glad that you have that.

Take care my friend.  I feel like I am forgetting something.  Oh yes, you said that men seem to be able to deal with things that they can fix.  Well that is true.  And I think that is why they have such a hard time with depression.  We discussed this a while back in the fibromyalgia forum.  And it makes perfect sense.  This is something that they can't fix.  So I think that they tend to shy away from it.  Not on purpose, it is just the way that it is.  It sounds like you are on good terms otherwise.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 7/5/2010 6:21 PM (GMT 0)
Karen and Cass: yes I will try to think up something special. Maybe just keeping my mouth shut is enough!!! This is not the time to"attack" him and maybe no time is right. Very hot right now so my horseback ride will have to wait for evening. I went to bed at 8pm last night, was on the message boards from 3 am to 4;30 am, up at 9am to feed the horses, back to bed at 10am and slept until 1:30pm amd I am still tired. Nobody is home...don't know where DH is or my son. Nobody left notes. I am wondering if the switch to methadone is making me so tired. Take it for restless legs. Am going to try and revive my journal (what a mess) and do some laundry (if I can stay awake). I don't take ambien, but years ago when I took it, I had the same sleepwalking problem. I don't know what I do, but I usually have fresh bruises and scratches every morning after my ventures. I like the idea of finding someone temporary to talk to until my regular therapist gets back in commission because it could be awhile with him. losing him was a blow to me. All in all I feel in a better spot, thanks to all you. Hopefully, my next post will be happier. And yes, in mariage counseling I amsitting on the other side looking at things objectiviely, but when I apply that to the homefront all the emotional part comes rushing in and objectivity in out the window. Such is life as a marriage counselor!!!! So it gives me time to gether myself together. I will keep in touch.
Posted 7/5/2010 6:42 PM (GMT 0)
Horse Crazy,

I know it is hard to lose a therapist. But yours is coming back, right??? I recently lost my pain management doctor. He retired. Now I have to start all over with a new doctor. I hope that he will continue my pain meds, or I will have to look elsewhere. That is hard, as a lot of doctors aren't prescribing them anymore around here.

Perhaps your husband and your son are doing something together. I hope so. Take care now. I understand about the whackey sleep patterns. I hope that you get some restful sleep.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/5/2010 11:53 PM (GMT 0)
Have you thought about calling your therapist office and seeing if they have someone standing in for them.
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