Please help me I am struggling with this depression

Hi I am a 20 year old female, when I was 18 I was raped by a co-worker and when I reported it at work they did nothing about it because it didn't happen on their grounds. Before this all happened I had just finished high school and I was ready to start my freshmen year of college and I had made a friend at work, well which I thought was my friend. He was about 20 or 21 and all the ladies were in love with him except for me. I really did see him as just a friend to just hang out. However, he always seemed to try to show me he had interest in me then just being friends. I was always clear with him that I will never be more then just friends with him and we won't have any sexual contact. I told him I don't have sexual relations unless they are in a committed relationship with me.

While I was working that summer I had a crush on a guy that was my age and we would go out on dates and what not. However, the other guy that is suppose to be just my friend (Lets just say his name is John) called me and told me how mad he was that I was dating someone. But I did explain to him that we're just friends me and John. That there is no reason to get upset about and that he needs to get over it. So then as a few days went by he called and apologized. He asked if he could come over and hang out so I let him. Then we decided to go get some ice cream. As we we're driving towards the ice cream shop he passes it and stops at a secluded area where their aren't anyone. I asked him where we were going as he was driving there and he tells me that he just wants to chat a for a few. I explained to him that we can talk at the ice cream shop because I can't stay out late. It is about 9:30 PM and he starts throwing moves at me and I repeatedly said NO and he continued and I was raped without a condem and now I live with this guilt feeling horrible all the time. I tried to report it but there wasn't enough evidence. However, why would I make up such a serious matter thats embarrassing to talk about everytime I have to talk about it. Ever since then I started smoking and not caring for myself. I had attended therapy to help me cope with the stress and how to just move on. However, it is so hard. I am crying right now as I write this. I had left therapy thinking I will be fine and just continue with my studies and just focus on the positive. It just gets me upset that someone I knew did this to me and I thought he was my friend and cared about me as a person. If he did that to me then how can I ever trust any guy.

I am now trying to start dating but everytime it comes to doing any physical contact I get flash backs to that day and I keep pushing the guy away. I feel like it is ruining my life. I don't want to end up alone because I am too afraid to be touched. I feel like everytime I get close to someone and I think I am ready I really am not. What should I do so I feel ok. I really don't know what I am afraid of but I am. Please someone help me. All I want to do is live a normal young adult life and have fun with friends and not worry about getting raped again. If someone can give me an advice it would be great. Thanks!

Post Edited (Nina2010) : 7/13/2010 8:31:43 PM (GMT-6)

Keep going to therapy and try hard to care for yourself. Your a wonderful person who deserves to be respected a loved. Try to keep that in mind when it gets hard. You deserve to be happy and to feel safe around people. Theres nothing easy about overcoming something like that. If you ever need to talk just send me a message and I will listen. You'll be fine just keep pushing and give yourself time to heal.

I am very,very sorry this happened to you. Right now you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder...It is a normal reaction to to when something really bad happens to us. That's why you feel the guilt (no way , no how was it your fault...if this happened to a friend would you blame her?) the reason you have flashbacks, you can't trust, and to top it off you had secondary victimization when you tried to report it (having to tell your story to strangers) and then having gotten up the couage to do that, nothing was done sbout it.

There are counselors who specialize in rape and in PTSD. You really have to get back into counseling....you need to find a counselor who speicalizes in these areas. Do not settle for less. Try calling a women's shelter to see if they have a list of counselors. I am sure they do Or call a crisis line...they would have a list of counselors dealing with rape.

Just remember no matter what, it was not your fault. I don't care if you threw yourself at him, it still did not give him the right to rape you. In fact, there is nothing in my book that says he has that right. You did not derserve for this to happen to you. Take care