Just having a hard day

     Hi Terri,   I know exactly what you're going through. I have been married for 12 yrs., have two wonderful kids, but find myself depressed every day.  My oldest is always butting heads with his father.  I feel like a referee, and think I actually have 3 kids not 2. My husband also has a good heart and means well, I think we are just on different pages.Naturally everything is my fault in the marriage. I also believe he is in denial that I would go forward and file, but I don't know how much longer I can continue like this.I depend on him financially too. I do work parttime,my most of my earnings go to the therapist , meds. or gas to cart the kids around. Everytime I am on my way home I get depressed and cry.  The atmoshpere in which I live is very ugly. I take responsibility for some of the shortcomings of the marriage but he has also contributed. We never communicate unless we have to and when we do it is always in the form  of arguing. I  have been considering divorce for quite some time. Met with a couple of lawyers to get an idea of costs etc., that was 4 months ago.  Can't bring myself to uproute  the kids.  Cannot afford to stay where we currently are.  The thought of transferring the kids to another school system also tears me apart.

              I believe I have done all that I can to control my emotions but to no avail.  I have tried a therapist, several meds. and went to a program to learn CBT. However, I still can't get out of this rut.  This has been ongoing for a long time.  Before x-mas I experienced anxiety which freaked me out. I had such pain in my chest, neck and shoulders, I couldn't concentrate on anything. It did have an impact on my performance at work too.  Fortunatly my boss was very patient.

             This illness is so overwhelming.  I don't understand how it can bring me down like it does.  I am so grateful that I have a roof over my head, food to eat, healthy kids, etc., but it is hard to get out of that black hole at times.

             It has helped tremendously to vent.Thank-you. It is somewhat of a relief to know that other people experience this too.I have a great family to support me, but unless you go through this I don't think you can fully understand what the person is dealing with.

       When you're at your worst, try to remember you are not alone! I hope things will get better for you.

                                      Laine

        

Terri (and yes, you too Laine)

I'm sure you believe in taking the car to the garage if you hear the exhaust grumbling, cleaning your house windows if they are dirty, fixing a leak in the roof or clearing out the gutters....well, there's no point in beating yourself up over the fact that you need to vent and can't be all things to all people, everybody deserves a bit of downtime to get some maintenance done !  You're absolutely right to allow yourself a little time off from working to destress in your hour of need...it's an investment in yourself. (He that is ill to himself is no good to anybody.)

  It sounds to me like you guys are struggling on under enormously difficult circumstances, and you need to give yourselves more credit. Me, I've never been married, never raised kids.... never even qualified for the racetrack you guys are trying to jump the hurdles on.

You can only be responsible for your mistakes, not for everybody else's. You'd give them the credit for their achievements, wouldn't you ? Well, being able to admit that they screw up is the flip side of that coin, and letting them know it when they do is as important as giving them praise. (You could try a book called "Psychocybernetics" by Maxwell Maltz, M.D. if you want some more in-depth ideas on how people adjust their ideas and attitudes.)

The " I feel [this way] because you say [something] which makes me think you [have an attitude]" recipe is a great way of dealing with misunderstandings...amongst strangers and work colleagues. It's hell to train your family to do though ! (Particularly us men, I'm afraid. And even more, if it's like father, like son...  Constructive Criticisms'R'Not Us !)

Seems to me though - forgive me if I'm out of order here, I know I've no personal first-hand experience but I've watched friends and family struggle with the issue - if there is no trust in a relationship, then it is built on sand, and will not survive floods. If you think I'm wrong to say this, I'm sorry, feel free to vent, I had no intention to offend...it's just the view from afar. Whether right or wrong, who knows ?

Who Am I?   I am a girl whose mother gave her up for a man A girl who who no one wanted   I am a girl who always tried to exceed expectations To not be abandoned   I am a girl who will never forget the violence Violence from a man who said he loved her Who said she made him angry   I am a girl who always thought she was a survivor Would always remember and have strength Who would take care of her family Love them and not leave them   I am woman who wants to feel worthy, Smart, loving and kind Who wants to feel strong again Not hurt herself Be confident, admirable, and considerate   I am a woman longing for the day When sadness no longer surrounds her A day when she can let go of the pain Live in the present Look forward to the future   I am a woman who wants to love and be loved Without pain, anger or violence Not be abandoned Be respected And be happy

            sadgirl2,

                      did you write "who am I"?  WOW!  Very powerful and moving. Can't find the words to describe how much of an impact it has had on me. Thanks for sharing it.     

                     Hope you are having a good day!

                                    Laine

I want you all to know I have made some strides this week even though parts of it were painful. My son needed some tough love for a few days but out of it came the son I know. I have to "reel him in" every once in a while....

 

My husband is trying so hard to make me happy. He bought me my favorite flowers, washed my car, there has been no yelling, sarcastic hurtful remarks. He's listening to me.

 

Time to get back to work...talk to you later,

 

Terri

You know, it may seem a senseless process to you guys, what you are going through, but from my point of view, it is truly illuminating. I have been "sensible" and "cautious" all my life about entering into relationships, thinking often that if I was not to survive my depression then why expose others to the inevitable grief and emotional baggage; or quite simply, that the circumstances were not right, so I could "see the writing on the wall". As is so typically human, my opinions were informed by my fears.

Thus have I discarded love at first sight, and love at a distance. At last, (too late perhaps) I have come to see that what matters is not just how the world is, but also how the world may become. We none of us know what the morrow brings; oftentimes the world changes and with it, the writing on that ubiquitous wall.

Reading the posts here, I see closer up just how much we can achieve despite the struggles - or perhaps because of them - we have to grow into our situation in the world, and cope with the people in our everyday lives.

I couldn't come up with such poetry, such heartfelt vulnerability. You know why ? I'm good with words. But you guys - you are teaching me the meaning of tenderness.

KOKO !

You all make me smile. I had a really tough day yesterday and am feeling it today. My son thought my husband had broke his paintball gun in an effort to load the Co2. They got into it and I had to separate them. My husband went for a walk while I was talking to my son who could not let go of the "fact in his head" that his dad had broke his new favorite toy. I guess my husband didn't walk far because our conversation disturbed him more and he burst the front door open, pounding on the door and walls. I told him he had to stop or leave. (This is the first time I have had the guts to tell him). He stopped. I took my son out for a walk and sent him out with his friends to talk about it and cool off.

They are doing better. My husband of course is sorry. And I am left with the residual.

Somehow out of all of this good things will happen.

Keep writing. Please. It helps so much.