Coming clean about my depression

I was(and still am) very unsure about posting on boards like this one. I have Lurked for a while. This is not the first time I have experienced deep or prolonged depression. It seems that I will go through times in my life when everything is perfect, usually based on a job, friendship, or relationship that is in my life but once that thing that holds me together is gone from my life I seem to sink back into a state of depression.  (and trust me I always tend to loose those things that are most dear to me. I guess nothing good lasts forever) I feel like those things validate me and I am worthless when they are taken away. About a year ago I got the perfect job for me and my depression seemed to disappear. I was a public speaker for a nonprofit org that fought for worthy causes. With this job came a new sense of security, self esteem, a feeling that I was helping others, and the feeling that I would NEVER EVER be in this dark place again. I felt like i had finally won my battle with depression. I never even thought about it anymore when i used to dwell on it all the time. I was laid off about 6 months ago. I was fine for a while, trailing off that residual confidence I had somehow built up from that job's positive asmosphere. I thought "I can do this on my own, I will find something new and wonderful and build a resume, go back to school, make something of my self". Up until a few months ago when I just out of nowhere began feeling a deep sense of despair. This was very sudden.  It just hit me, and i am pretty sure I know what triggered it. I have been dealing with it sense before Thanksgiving.  I have seen the light, how life can be, and should be, with out carrying this pain. That almost makes it worse in a sense, because I know that I have accomplished happiness before, and that makes me feel guilty and insecure about not pulling my self up for a second time. Why cant I do it again?? Why did I fall in the first place. I feel weak. I think that i was always depressed. When I got this job it was the first time that I felt true freedom from depression. That is very significant in my life. I was once depressed with out help for over 2 years on a constant basis. I know what that pain is like and I am desperate not to go back there, but I feel my self sinking. The more I try to pull my self out the deeper I sink into hopelessness.  I am unable to control my emotions, even when good things happen to me I feel they are not good enough(because they are not the same good things that happened to me when I was happy) and I often wake up in the morning feeling a sense of gloom and wishing I hadn't woken at all. I am so ashamed because I was once known as a peppy, perky, positive person. I feel guilty asking for help and ashamed to talk to anyone about these feelings. I would like to get some type of help, but do not trust drugs(I am also a Vegetarian/Vegan and only like to put organic things into my body) and am too embarrassed to go to a doctor. I also have no health insurence so treatment in not an option for me. I thought this might help.

Welcome both of you. It's really not that bad to post how ya feel. At least ya get it out and most of the time there's someone that's gone through the same exact thing as you. I too have difficulty talking about ME. When I'm down I certainly don't want to talk about ME I just want to crawl in my bed and stay there. And that's more times than not. I'm BP II so that comes along with my existance.

Mlbsss, I started a post to ya yesterday, but like a lot of times I got side tracked then the puter got confiscated by my 17 yo. Sorry about that hun. But what I was telling you was....St. John's Wort is a good herbal AD. But like everything else it comes with it's own side effects and worries. It renders birthcontrol totally useless and causes the same sexual side effects as the prescribed AD. But it does work and it is a herb, if that doesn't go against your vegan beliefs. When I was in California there was this vitamin liquidation store where things were really cheap, you just had to watch the expiration dates real close.

If you have no one to talk to like friends and family (my family refuses to discuss my issues) then try the chat rooms. There's always an ear there. Sometimes it just helps to talk about the things goin on and that helps relieve some of the depression. I personally haven't been in the chats yet, like I said I have a hard time talking about ME.

I know I've not given you two much in the advice department, but just join in and read. There's lots of us around here. A lot just lurk until something hits home with them and they just have to post. And that's all good too. Knowledge helps out a whole lot.

Welcome Ya'll! And Be well
~Tina~

Thank you everyone for your kind replies and advise. I am finding it hard to come to terms with my depression. I talked to a friend about how I am feeling the other day and then I sat in a bubble bath and cried for 2 hours. I think I am really ready to get help this time. This is not my first stretch of depression, and last time I was too afraid, ashamed, and "proud" to ask anyone for help or tell anyone how I was feeling. I suffered for 3 years back then, until I struggled to pull myself together. But I dont want things to happen like they happened last time. I am between jobs and without insurence I can not afford help. Does anyone know where I can find a list of free or low cost clinic's????????.

I am so afraid of taking pills, I do not want to end up dependant upon pills and antidepressants to be normal for the rest of my life.  I want to be OK with out being medicated, as I was at one point in my life, and know I can be agian someday. I just need help getting back to the place that I was before I startd hating myself. Can someone point me in the right direction??

HI Mlsbss,

I have had deppresion for about 8 years now, and taking medication for the last 3 years. medication didn't work right away, and was changed a few times, i'm finally at a stage where i can see good results.

i'll try to give some advice from my expirience..

1. Try to find out what kind of depresion you have, and perhaps what could have caused it. i suggest working with your doctor to find this out. for example, any bad habbits you had which could have caused it or maybe even Genetic causes, there is many possible causes that can contribute toghether to make deppresion increase.

2. Excersize at least 30 minutes a day and try to get some sun while your at it. i suggest a walk between 10 AM to PM AM.

3. Spend as much time with your friends or relatives, someone close to you.

4. Watch your eating habbits, specially if your over-wieght. bad eating habbits can cause excesive insulin production dis-orders as stated in Dr. Atkins's book, which may cause uneeded food cravings , which could lead to deppresion.

5. about meds Don't be scared of it. beware that it takes from 3 months to 12 to for most drugs to be effective. i bin on meds for over 3 years and i don't regret it. sometimes i feel bad that i am on meds and i have had my share of doupts but it made my quality of life better, gave me a chance to focus on the important things of life. it does not garantee that things will work out for you, but it gives your body a chance to fight deppresion, it's upto you if you wana take advantage of it. think of these meds as pain killers, they don't solve your problem but they make it barrable and give you strength to fight on.

6. Don't think deppresion is going to disapear completly, think of deppresion as something that your body cannot deal with and the way to fight deppresion is knowing how to deal with it and it's causes. boardom is a strong cause for deppresion so if your feeling a lot of boardom for instance, try to find enriching activities that you can do , specially with the company of friends etc, try to make a program in your week for instance and do something difirent everyday.

7. Stay away from alcohol , i have read that it is one of the causes of deppresion, and offcourse drugs.

your most welcome havta_b_luvd :)