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I'm afraid of how I feel...

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Posted 10/21/2010 5:40 PM (GMT 0)
Hello all. I'm new here and I'm sort of apprehensive about this....but I honestly need someone to talk to...I need help. I am a 28 year old single mother of 1 child. We live a very priviledged lifestyle and for that I feel blessed. Many people tell me how attractive and intelligent I am, my daughter is an AMAZING child and for that I am also thankful...But secretly I live a totally different life in my heart and in my mind. I am severly depressed and have been struggling with this since the age of 13. I've talked to my family members about this and they are huge advocates of "Seeking professional help", but I'm ashamed of the feelings that I have. Afraid of the thoughts that cross my mind sometimes. I wake up in the morning and am EXTREMELY depressed to the point that if I could Lay in bed all day with the curtains closed I would. But I have to get up to put on this fantastic show for the rest of the world. I recently started drinking to cope with these issues. Now I'm drunk everyday. I hurt my family members feelings by saying hurtful things when I am intoxicated and I am constantly having to apologize the day after 1 of my "binges". Its embarrassing. I am trying to stop drinking but its hard. Whenever I get into an argument or disagreement with my family I turn to the wine and dont stop drinking until I'm intoxicated. Even though I am 28 yrs old, my family is still very overbearing. I was on the phone last night arguing with my ex and my father (who was at my home visiting my daughter) came upstairs and told me to give him my phone....needless to say that turned into a huge argument where he brought up money that he has given me in the past...I pulled out my wallet and just started throwing money at him. My father walked out of my house and 10 mins later I called him to apologize. My dad will be 65 next month and I have these terrible feelings that he is going to die soon and I havent made him proud. Im obsessed with these negative thoughts. I smile and joke and laugh all day at my job but am secretly dying inside. So much more to tell you but not enough space.
Posted 10/21/2010 6:35 PM (GMT 0)
Well, you have started the process of healing by coming here in the first place. That shows that you want to get better and have the ability to do it. There is nothing wrong with admitting that you are suffering from depression and there is nothing wrong with getting the help you need to get through this troubling time, there is nothing wrong with you because of your depression its just something that is a part of you. This is something that i struggled with and continue to, but when it comes down to the choice of hitting bottom or getting help, there is no other option than getting help. My first couple of appointments i wanted to hide my face and i was embarrassed, but now i look forward to my sessions because they really do help. Try to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, if someone you knew was suffering from depression knowing what you know what would you think of them? Would you think less of them? I know i wouldn't, but i would try to get them to seek help.

Please stop the booze! you are trading one problem for another two! Know that we are here for you and have been there. There is a great group of people here who are willing to be with you during this time, please make use of us.
Posted 10/21/2010 7:38 PM (GMT 0)
Geosojda:

Thank you so much for those kind words. I don't think that you realize how comforting those words are. To just know that someone else has had similar feelings is such a relief. And while I wouldn't wish my depression on ANYONE, it is nice to know that Im not alone in this struggle.I've kept it a secret from certain people for so long because I was embarrassed by it and felt that something was wrong with me...good to have someone tell me that its going to be ok and that I dont have to be embarassed about this anymore. Also, you are absolutely right.....NO MORE BOOZE

Posted 10/22/2010 12:42 PM (GMT 0)
Glad you posted again! I was going through the very same thoughts and feeling when my depression first hit me hard, i considered myself weak for having the depression in the first place, but the truth is by learning to fight it and the will to improve yourself makes you a even stronger person than most people. It was a huge relief to me as well after finding this forum and talking to my therapist to know that i wasn't weird or strange for having depression, tons of others are sharing the same experience and you're exactly right that while we would wish depression on anyone, its nice to know that other have gone through similar experiences and have come out clean on the other side.

Have you thought about therapy? Its a great option to think about, it does take some strength to get yourself in there the first few times, but it gets easier as you do it, now i look forward to going.

Just to give you a point of reference of where i am coming from, i'm 29, with a baby girl on the way (which has caused my all sorts of anxiety already  turn )

Hope you're having a good day!!!!!!! yeah

Posted 10/22/2010 1:33 PM (GMT 0)
geosojda:

Congrats on your pregnancy!! I am feeling quite well today...for now. I always try to look on the brighter side of things even if the rainbow is kinda hard to see @ the moment. I feel soooo much better since joining yesterday. I guess its just the fact that now I know that Im not alone. I have though bout therapy but unfortunately I've been so prideful that I've always refused to go. Saying things like"I can fix it myself. I dont need help. I am not a weak person. I can beat this." Needless to say, none of those statements have been proven true. I realize now that I DO need help, I can NOT beat this by myself. Sometimes depression consumes me. I made an appt with my personal dr to see if there is a therapist that he would reccomend. My dr and I are extremely hones and open with one another. He has also told me to seek help but I refused. I'm ready now to get help because I haven't been able to shake this.

Posted 10/22/2010 2:02 PM (GMT 0)
tongue   glad to hear it!!!  You have taken the first big step to becoming a better you! keep us updated and remember that we are always here for you wink
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