long post today <3

i thought i was getting the hang of life, but i've come to realize i'm only convincing myself of that. i don't have the slightest idea on how to live life like a "normal" person. i feel like things just keep piling on top of one another. for example today during breakfast, i received the biggest lectures on the way i eat, how i only eat once a day or twice, the thing is if i don't feel like eating full meals i eat snacks yogurts, orange juice, apples,bananas, not all the time but its not that i don't want to eat because i want to be super skinny because i'm already petite, but in the anger of it all i yelled at everyone who crossed my way (mom brother, aunt),and i told them let me live my life, its my life, take care of yourselves, i even said i don't want to be fat and ugly (i didn't even realize i had said that until the whole lecture was over) and i told my mom she loves me sometimes which clearly isn't true my mom is my life and i know i'm hers but i just wish i had control i wish i realize what i say but i don't i wish i hadn't argued with my brother i wish life was better than this. i was already angry because my other aunts husband said that there are kids who yell at their parents and just criticized me indirectly for how i would argue with my mom,and say things to her and i was like its not good to criticize other people's children because yours will come out worse, and your daughter already cusses at you and shes little, i was pissed at those uncalled for comments, and he even knows all the emotional issues i have, but he still says things that he shouldn't, he instigated the whole "she doesn't eat" fiasco and i was already pissed off at what he had said earlier hes a cool guy but i just have to learn how to deal with different people and i just don't know how to do that i don't know how to relate to anyone and i can't bring myself to doing so , i just want to get away, i hate people getting into my life, i hate it, i cried about 2 minutes ago because i have no control, i don't mean to lash out on people i don't mean to be how i am, i haven't even taken my lexapro since tonight i have to get my prescription filled and i wouldn't of been as emotional if i would've had it already, i just wish life would give me a break, i want to go far away and never come back, i want to stop crying i want to just be okay.

Post Edited (whathurtsthemost) : 12/17/2010 8:32:13 AM (GMT-7)

thank you soo much getting by :)

i really needed those kind words.

i really do try hard to get better to be a better person, i pray that god gives me the strength to continue, to guide my steps, my thoughts, my actions, but i feel like i'm a disappointment to him and to my best friend, who has also saved me from myself soo many times, i feel like he'll be disappointed to see who i really am, to see how messed up i really am, to see that i need medication to actually be okay, to see that i disappoint my loved ones, and to see that i can't fight for myself, that i give up on myself, and my giving up on myself i feel like i'm giving up on him, and on how much he has done for me, i need a hug sometimes, i need someone to tell me i'll be okay, but the person i want that hug and those words that will give me will power to fight for myself isn't here, i feel like i stopped dreaming about him because i feel like i let him down, i feel like he lost hope in me, and i've cried about 4 times in the last 20 minutes, i just feel an ache in my gut, an unbelievable pain, i can't control my emotions, i feel like i let the people that love me down, and i also let myself down.

thank you again for encouraging me :)

i just need to take control, someway somehow i need to help myself and stop giving up on myself because i am worth a lot more than what i give credit for. i just need to go away for a little while, take time for me to think for myself, to reflect on what i want to do and to just take it one step at a time :)

thank you for encouraging me and for believing in me :)

ill be sure to keep you guys updated on how im doing :)