letter for christmas

i felt like posting this letter to my best friend here... this site clears my mind and helps me vent something i've needed to do for quite a while, im not really good at expressing my emotions this is the only way i can say all i want to say and feel somewhat better <3


my best friend , my brother, my angel,

i miss you alot all of the time, and i don't want you to think that i have forgotten about you because as we both know that will never be the case, i just suppress my emotions alot recently ive been feeling nostalgic more so than the usual, i feel like im not being the person you want me to be, im not happy, im going insane it feels like, i feel like being far away from everything and everyone, and i know i shouldnt feel this way but i can't control it, you know i try, really hard to just be okay, to just take it one day at a time, but its hard and each day its getting harder, i feel like without my medication im not "normal", this friday im getting my new medication, lexapro since you know zoloft the first medication ive taken for my emotional problems made me sick, im glad that i wont feel like i do now by friday, but i feel like i failed you since i have to take medication to actually survive, that i couldnt do it on my own, you know i was born this way, that i had no choice but i still feel like i failed you i really need you to keep on holding my hand, to never stop being there for me, and honestly it scares me that you'll just give up on me, and that'll hurt just as much as it does losing you, even though i know you're still here and always will be, i really dont like talking about you even now i cry alot whenever youre brought up, i dont like people mentioning you, it bothers me and i dont know why, it just does, i feel a huge ache in my gut and pain i cant even describe, it feel like the air was knocked out of me, i cant breathe, whenever youre mentioned, i feel hopeless, like i didnt take advantage of the time i couldve been spending with you while you were still here, i feel like god gave me so many opportunities to do so but i just took them for granted, and im sorry.

i love you more than i love myself.


and i wouldnt be who youre helping me become if you didnt love me just the same.

you mean the world to me and beyond.

i promise ill try harder for you and for myself, i promise.



thank you for believing in me more than i believe in myself .


Merry Christmas, i love you more than words can even express.

Post Edited (whathurtsthemost) : 12/24/2010 2:33:56 PM (GMT-7)

Hi there,

I think that you have gotten some great advice. I just wanted to add that it doesn't make you weak to have to take medications. some of us have a chemical embalance in our brains that we can't help. It has nothing to do with being weak. It is something physically wrong. So don't feel bad about taking meds. And it could take six to eight weeks for it to reach it's full potential.

With that being said, I want to add I loved your letter. This is very therapeudic. Keep up the good work.

Merry Christmas,

Hugs, Karen

whathurtsthemost

That was awesome,  moving, heart wrenching and so honest.  I am glad you wrote it down here and shared it with us. 

I know exactly how you feel and please let those tears flow as they help you get past some of the pain.  Your brother was lucky to have a special sister like you as you  were fortunate to have him.

Celebrate life and never feel bad about your bittersweet memories.

Sometimes that is all we have left and we cling to the memories to keep from drowning in sorrow.

I wish you a blessed Holiday Season,

Kitt