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Will it ever get better again?

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Posted 2/8/2011 7:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hi,

This is the first time I have posted here. I don't know what I expect, but maybe I just need to put some thoughts into written form. I am 47, female. I have suffered with depression since my teens. This last relapse has been really bad. The jist of it is, 2008, I was diagnosed with breast cancer -had bilateral mastectomy and am considered cured. That's fine. But then, in the same year, my best friend, confidant, secret keeper, pillar of my life-my sister; was diagnosed with kidney cancer out of the blue. She had a nephrectomy (kidney removal) and within two months, she passed away. My sister was everything to me, I mean my EVERYTHING. She and I were as close as any two humans could be. I had a not so great childhood and she knew most everything that happened to me. She and I confided in each other and would trust each other with our lives.

Then it happened, the depression set in, and is horrible. It has gotten better (its been over two years since it triggered) than it was. I was hospitalized once and then voluntarily went to a crisis center a nother time. Here's the thing. I am only happy when with my grandchildren. Sometimes though, I am in my dark place when its best not to have them around me, and I HATE that. I have a supportive husband, thankfully. However, he gets frustrated as he doesn't know what else to do with me. I am on medication (Cymbalta and just recently Abilify and restoril to sleep). I see a counselor. I am on disability as unable to work like this. It sucks. I feel sad most often , have zero energy, not interested in ANYTHING, don't care about things, dont have the ability to make decisions or care to, don't have any friends (I have three grown children, two of whom I talk to only occasionally about my illness). I don't want to make friends as people turn on you, and I don't trust people-would rather have my pugs by my side, I have two. On the other hand, I would like to have just one good friend , but too scared to make a step towards that. I cant  think of any reason why anyone would want to be a friend of mine, I have nothing to offer anyone. Seriously. I have no clue how my husband deals with me on a daily basis (he is disabled with physical health problems of his own that are major).  Most of the time, I don't want to be bothered. I want the world to leave me at peace. I go through the motions of the day, every day, until this life on earth is done. Please don't get me wrong, I am blessed with my husband, my children, and my beautiful granddchildren, whom without, I would surely perish. They are what keeps me here. I would not, could not hurt them in that way.

Does anyone ever feel they just want to "be" and that's it? Just be. I cry over ridiculous events, such as not being able to get a seat belt to work. I have crying spells where I do not have a clue as to why I am crying, I'm just SAD. I feel worthless to anyonel--and lost most of the time . I am embarrassed for my children that their mother has this type of illness. I feel weak because I can't handle things the way I used to. I love my family so so very much, and I'm so sorry for them that they have to have a mom/grandma with an illness such as this. I would do anything for my family. My granddchildren are my life. They are the only bright light in my world-along with my husband and children. I ache every single day for my sister to be here with me. Every single day. She was the only one who "got" me.

I'm sorry this is so long. I could go on, but I will stop here. If you have reached the end of this, thank you for taking the time to read it. Will it ever get better?

Take care.

 

Posted 2/8/2011 8:47 PM (GMT 0)
well first and foremost i am sorry for your loss. and sorry you have had to deal with the things you have dealt with in the past. it is always hard for someone to lose someone they deeply love and i want you to know that it is ok and completely natural to mourne that loss. i also want you to know that it was wise on your part to pourne openly. it is very unhealthy for someone to keep these feelings bottled up inside because it eats at you and eventually can make you completely obsessed and possibly make you insane.

now back to the real issue. yes hun it will get better. i have been through a VERY rough childhood myself. basically any kind of abuse u can imagine i have been through. the only thing that kept me going for a long time was the fact that my siblings needed me. if i wasnt there for them they would have had no one. i couldnt hardly eat and i still have problems with insomnia that no medicine i have taken (which is almost everything they have) helps with. i felt horrible and closed myself in a shell because i too was afraid of betrayal. i locked myself in my room for hours and forgot about the outside world as much as possible. i didnt want a connection with anyone. (right now i commend your husband for being there for you. most people write you off when you become depressed...he sounds like a good man)

anyways i grew tired of feeling isolated from the world and i sat down one day to make a list of things that used to make me happy, why they made me happy, and if they didnt interest me anymore why was that. i made a list of about 4 pages and sat there looking at all the things i used to enjoy and told myself that i was missing out. i decided that night to go downstairs and watch some TV for a while. i didnt change the channel i just turned it on and watched. ill never forget what i saw. the first commercial was for the childrens fund (showing starved and neglected children from other countries that sask you to donate money and sponsor the child) and the show that was on was a talk show talking about abused people. one lady on the show was talking about her childhood that was actually very similar to my own and that she still was suffering from it.

all of a sudden it dawned on me...i then found myself screaming at the TV "you have a choice!!! YOU are the one that determines how your life is!!! if you want to mope around and feel sorry for yourself then you ahve that CHOICE!! if you let things get you in a rut then someone else is controlling YOUR life!!!"

...and at that time those words were foreign to even myself...i could hardly believe they came out of my mouth....i then noticed i was standing up (must have done it without realizing it in the spur of the moment when i was yelling) i went back to the couch and sat back down and thought about what i said...by the time the next commercial was over (one that was talking about homeless people and animals) i had come up with the conclusion that what i had screamed at the woman on TV also applied to myself. i decided to make that choice (and dont get me wrong it was hard i was very uncomfortable with the idea of 'just being') but i was tired of letting someone else control my life...after watching all the commercials and the people on the talk show i told myself that theres always someone out there that has it worse off than i do...no matter how bad it gets for me.

ever since that time when times get rough thats what i tell myself...but sometimes you need that little bit of assurance from somewhere else (or someone else) to give you that extra push back up on your own two feet...like your husband...or another close friend (which you can find if you try to get out and have some fun...it will happen when you least expect it) i too needed some interaction with another person while i was dealing with my issues...i found the best way for me was to find an online friend that had common interests and common problems (it made it easier for a let down if the person all of a sudden just stopped talking to me in which case i would start over with someone new)

now i am not saying that these things will work for you but its worth a shot...for you and your family...i have taken out my list many times and found that a lot of the things i put on that list i enjoy again...others i have found were just phases and i am not upset that i dont enjoy them anymore...and that 4 page list of things i have enjoyed has grown to over and 11 page list and my outlook on life is optimistic now...i still think about all the things that have happened and i am allowed to be sad while remembering...but as long as i dont get back in the endless loop of complete and total darkness...then i am fine...

while i am not guaranteeing that it will work for you i still say its worth a shot...i hope it helps...even if only a small amount...

take care and here is to hoping that you get your life back *cheers*

Posted 2/8/2011 9:46 PM (GMT 0)
onemomentatatime

First of all a warm welcome to HealingWell.  I have a had a dx of Anxiety and Depression for 29 years. smhair

I understand your feelings way to well.  I won't try to write a long story here but share with you that things do get better but you will always miss your sister. 

Our 21 year old son died in a car crash in 1989.............I do not know how I made it through that but I am still here.  I found as I got old the losses hit me harder.  The sister I was  closest to was dx with ovarian cancer in August of 2008.  She battled this cancer for 10 months and I spent much of that time at her side in the hosptial or at the cancer home where she was staying a few blocks from the hospital. 

I knew she was not going to beat it as after her huge surgery the cancer was back with a vegeance and all that was left to offer her was more chemo. By March of 2009 her only daughter and I talked to her and told her it was time to go home to North Dakota and be with her family there.  I was not able to go along with her but talked to her everyday.  April 30th the dread phone call came.

I have cried my heart out for her as I don't have that special person in my life to talk to anymore. 

I think of all the good times we shared and how she comforted me when she was sick as I was so afraid of being alone without her. 

I still cry and I let the tears just come as they help me get out my feelings.

What your going through is grief and each of us does this in our own way.  There is not special book that teaches us how or states how long we are to grieve. 

My sister had only one daughter and I promised to be there for her, so I have kept that promise. 

Knowing you have a supportive husband is a good thing.  Mine is my rock and if I cry he never asks what is wrong but just holds me.

Now you have a new family here online to help you through the tough times.  We know where your coming from and what you are going through.

With gentle hugs,

Kitt

Posted 2/8/2011 11:39 PM (GMT 0)
I just want to say to you all that the sharing on here is just amazing. It is wonderful to me.

I want to write more, but at the moment I am not feeling up to par. I will write more later.

Thank you all for just being here.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/9/2011 2:55 AM (GMT 0)
AND FROM ME TOO. NOT TOO FLASH EITHER. JAMIE. STILL FIGHTIN' THAT GOOD FIGHT. !!!!
Posted 2/9/2011 3:01 AM (GMT 0)
1withaquestion- Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for replying to me, and sharing your experience with me. It helps so much to know I am not alone, especially when I feel alone, even when I'm with people. (If that makes any sense) I'm sorry you had such a horrible childhood, it sounds like it was much harder to bear than my own. You sound like a very strong person, and should be so proud of yourself for what you did and are doing to improve your own life. Thank you for the suggestions, everything helps. I will try to do what you did with writing down what I used to do that made me happy. I am not sure about making friends though. I guess this is a first step for me, writing in this message board and "revealing " myself to people I haven't even met. It makes it easier this way, I think. As you wrote, less fear of refection, and can move on afterward. I sure do feel grateful for my husband, he deserves a lot better than me, believe me. He really does. Sometimes, I get so agitated /irritable or just want to be left alone and he seems to pay the price for that. He deserves a mentally healthy spouse, and I sure hope I can give him one soon. Thank you again so much for writing back to me. Wishiing you love, love, health and happiness

stkitt- I am so very sorry for the loss of you precious son. I cannot even imagine for a moment what that must feel like. My heart goes out to you. And for the loss of your sister, I am sorry. I too,spent every day with my sister when she was in the hospital and was by her side when she passed. I can relate to that experience. I feel for you Kitt. I understand when you write you cry and let the tears come out, I need to do that too. If I don't I feel I will deteriorate even further. It is so wonderful for you that you have such a supportive husband too. We are both blessed with that. Thank you so much for writing that I now have an online family to help me through. You have no idea how much this means to me. On second thought, you probably do. I hope for love, love, health and happiness for you too.

getting by- I agree with you how great it is for people to share their experiences with me, the "newbie" The posts have helped me already to feel I am not the ONLY one in this world who feels this way, and maybe there is hope for me. I would surely love to give my family back the person I was before this last relapse.

Losing loved ones is so so heartbreaking and life altering. My sister would not like me to be where I am , but she would understand, and love me anyway. You all would have just loved her. She was the best person ever.

Prayers that we all find our way out of the darkness. Thank you again.
Warmly,
D
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