Really not used to this

Hi there... I sort of came here out of desperation, I think... I more or less came here by chance while I was using a search engine to try and find something, anything, that could make things a little easier... I was on a hotline a little earlier, but it didn't help very much... I find myself going through each day right now doing everything I can to just pass as much time as possible until I can fall asleep again... Even though sometimes I have serious nightmares, I often find that sleeping is one of the only things keeping me going right now.... I guess I'm 'drowning in my dreams', to quote an old song I used to enjoy...

Anyway, I'm being very off topic... or rather I'm not 'making a topic'... Sorry for that.... I'm completely unused to this sort of thing and have no idea what I'm doing... I usually only join forums in order to write RPs... or rather I 'used' to... I'm not very good at working out how I should explain myself, especially since it's not a chat room, but I really can't afford to be in this situation so alone anymore... Things are starting to become very overwhelming, even for me...

Oh, erm, a little bit about myself... I'm 27, born November 17th, Male, and I'm from Sydney. I spend most of my time alone, and I feel alone when I'm with the people around me. I don't feel very much of an attachment to most things in my life, and the few dreams I do have are vastly out of my reach... I'm deeply passionate about the things I care about, but tend to be rather uninterested in anything else... I can also be quite difficult to know, because I'm rather blunt at times, and my constant physical pains and other stresses tend to make me irritable a lot of the time.

Anyway, thanks for reading, to those who do read it.

Edit: I felt the need to point this out... I'm not even really sure if I 'belong' here... I haven't exactly been diagnosed with depression, although a lot of people seem to think I have it, and I'm not exactly on 'good terms' with the medical industry, since medications and doctors played a very big part in ruining my childhood and more or less darning my future... Anyway, I just didn't want anyone getting the wrong idea of me... I came here because I don't know what else to do, and none of my other options are helping...

Post Edited (solitaryangel1983) : 2/15/2011 4:48:42 PM (GMT-7)

Thanks for the response...

I'd like to start by admitting that even in the short time since I made the first post in this topic, I found myself desperately needing to find a way to pass my time in order to stop thinking about things for a little while, so I appreciate the quick response... I tend to be isolated all the time, even though I live with some of my family (I simply don't connect with them on any sort of deep emotional level), and my friends (online friends, and one offline) either don't know how to help, underestimate the severity of my circumstances, or have simply become overwhelmed with how difficult my situation actually is and find themselves unable to say anything.

Also, it's been far more than two years. For almost as long as I can remember, in fact, and I've had many doctors testing me and medicating me for a variety of things, including depression, but in the end a lot more damage was done then good. I went from being a sad and lonely kid. who just wanted some people to accept him without thinking he was crazy. to more or less losing touch with myself and almost getting a split-personality because of the medications repressing things within me. It was only when my father (he has been dead for some time now) took me off the medications that I started getting my 'freedom' back, and over the next several years I more or less had to rebuild myself as a person from the broken mess that was left behind.

Also, when I say my situation is born of circumstance, I'm saying this because it's far more than just a 'bad day'. I've analysed my life quite deeply, and done a lot of soul searching, as well as recognizing the sort of life that 'people like me' usually end up living. I also lost my relationship with the one and only person who has ever truly brought joy into my life, a person who literally brought my dreams growing up to life (I got by as an adolescent because of said dreams), and I find myself unable to move on no matter how much time passes because this person is so special to me. Many people have insulted, belittled, and chastised my love, telling me shallow things like 'there's plenty of fish in the sea', but after years of trying to run from these feelings and move on, I've realized how deep and true they really are. This person means so much to me that I'm unable to continue my life's work (a story about all my feelings, beliefs, dreams, philosophies, experiences, etc) because they're such a big part of it and the story feels meaningless without them. This story has been my one true passion for as long as I can remember.

I still have contact with this person, but I have no idea how they feel anymore, and things have been very complicated. They live very far away, and she is suffering from depression herself. Despite how deep in darkness I am myself, I've found myself ignoring my own pain because I desperately want to try and find some way to help this young woman I love with everything I am, but I don't know what I can do, and I'm constantly in pain even as I try. Many questions and answers have been left unspoken between us over there years, and even though I yearn to tell her everything, I fear what may become of it, so up until recently I have remained completely silent and 'martyred' myself for her sake. I thought for a long time that by bottling everything up, maybe she would find happiness, so I kept quiet about my undying feelings after a while, only to realize that things have not improved for her. Many people, as I said, have insulted my feelings, but I believe that if you truly do love someone then it is only natural for it to hurt this much, possibly forever. I also don't believe that my depression is some sort of constant medical issue, because when I was with this woman (before the troubles in both of our lives tore us apart), I was genuinely happy. My life was still as difficult as it always has been, but I wasn't depressed. I felt like I was in 'Heaven' even while I walked through 'Hell'. That's truly how I feel. The troubles in my life didn't bother me much at all, because we were together.

So as you can see just from this example, there is a very clear 'reason' why I am sad, and this is only one of my problems. Ever since I was a child, many doctors made my life worse because, instead of trying to talk with me and ask me 'why' I was sad, they just assumed something was 'wrong' with me and medicated me, when the whole time it made perfect sense for me to be sad. People with sad lives will only naturally be sad. To me, that's common sense, but because 'professionals' couldn't understand that, my childhood was destroyed and vast amounts of psychological trauma were done to me. Even now I'm unable to relate to my family because they just can't understand me or my troubles, no matter how hard I may have tried in the past to open up, so my home life has very much become and isolated and silent repression where I have to more or less not talking about my feelings with anyone because I get chastised anytime I try to. Adding to this, I have severe physical problems which seem to resolve around my joints, and it's full body. I am in extreme amounts of pain just from standing up, moving my fingers, or any other movements. My joints 'pop and click' in and out constantly. Doctors have been unable to work out what is wrong despite many tests being done. I more or less have to just grit and bear it because my painkillers do virtually nothing.

This is just a handful of my troubles, and I'm sorry to say that I'm not sure if I've explained them very well because I'm unused to this sort of thing, but as you can see there's plenty of 'reasons' for sadness in my life, and many of these problems don't seem to have any form of solution. Adding all of that to the fact that I constantly have people abusing me in online communities, and it is a lot for one person to have to deal with alone. So I didn't want to appear as 'hostile' towards you mentioning the whole 'medical' thing, but I hope you can understand that there's a reason for my skepticism about it. I don't believe that seeking treatment for depression is going to solve all of the very real and tangible underlying problems in my life. This is, again, why I was not sure if I belong on this forum... I came looking for support of a different nature, I fear.

Thank you again for the quick response, and I apologize for how long this post is, but I felt it might help people if I gave you all a 'rough idea' of what I'm currently conflicting with. This has been all going on for a very long time.

Post Edited (solitaryangel1983) : 2/15/2011 5:42:15 PM (GMT-7)

Thanks for the reply... I think a lot of the isolation between me and most people I know is that the majority of people seem content with not being true to themselves, while I now find myself unable to do so... I attempted to move on, try and find some joy in the present, but found everything about it internally miserable and empty. The past is really the only place where I find any joy, and after years of trying to push aside my past and focus on the present, I found that it was not doing me any good. I guess every does have a tendency to deal with things differently, but for me, the present just has no value to me when I feel this void, or hole, inside of me that I can't fill, and nothing can seem to replace what once was... I've gotten to the point that I am now because I realize that trying to run from the past has not done me any good, and it hasn't helped her either. Like I said, I'm also very worried about her current situation, even more than my own, despite not having any idea what is troubling her.

I was on antidepressants during some of my school life (like I said, I've been on a lot of meds...), but they did not seem to have any positive effects on me... It seems medications always have a lot of very undesirable side effects on me. When I was just taking medications to help me concentrate in school, the main damage they were doing was repressing me and more or less turning me into a robot (one of my teachers really hated seeing me on them), but when I started taking the antidepressants in high school, that's when everything really started blowing out of control for me, and I ended up having to quite school. Some years later (although before I became involved with online things) I went to TAFE and finished my Year 10 there, with rather significant ease, but my sadness and loneliness lead me to quit going any further with my education than that. I couldn't find a reason why should be doing it. I'm a firm believer that life only means something if you're striving for something that's meaningful to you. My dad's death in a house fire (I was living with him at the time, not mum, but I was away on a camp) also taught me some pretty harsh lessons, although this happened before I went to TAFE.

Actually, my writing was probably one of the few good supports for me throughout my life, but the circumstances have made me unable to write properly anymore due to lots of writer's blocks, as well as my mentioned reasons earlier for why I can no longer work on my 'life's work' story.

I appreciate your reply, although I'm not liking the chances of things improving soon because there's so many things to deal with. I do appreciate being able to come here and not feeling completely alone, however, even if I tend to always feel alone in person. I tried to go out with my one offline friend and a few of his mates during the weekend, but found myself unable to truly enjoy myself because I knew when I got home that I would be back to all my usual problems and none of them would have had any resolution. I think it's one reason I have so much emphasis now on why I really can't afford to do nothing about everything that's happening. I can't just 'try to enjoy life' like my family says because I DON'T enjoy life, not even slightly. There is no point in even living, in my opinion, if one's feelings and values are not what drives them in life. I can't let myself be untrue to myself just to 'get through the day' like so many people I know do.

Thanks.

Post Edited (solitaryangel1983) : 2/15/2011 6:29:19 PM (GMT-7)

I'm afraid I don't agree with you... and I have been seeing a councellor. Even she realizes that it is meaningless for me to attempt to find any happiness in the present when there are so many very real problems going on... It might be difficult to choose the path I've chosen and be honest with myself and who I am, but it's a lot better than what most people I know do... By just living in the present, they forget everything that has any real meaning... I've known people who have ruined relationships and destroyed other people because they were so focused on that current day that they never considered how their actions would effect the future, and that's what I think it really means to be trapped inside a box... I look at everything on a wider scale, and I refuse to allow myself to fall victim to immediate pleasures when I believe they're nothing more than an illusion people are using to avoid the reality of their lives... It's like a person who goes out and gets drunk with friends (nearly everyone I know). They feel good in the immediate moment, but are miserable again the next morning, and over the course of that night they have done serious damage to the lives of others. This sort of thing applies to more than just drinking too.

Oh, and I didn't enjoy myself that night because I generally wasn't enjoying myself. It wasn't my sort of thing, and I don't enjoy myself without a 'kindred spirit', so to speak. Humans are social creatures by nature, and need others, but many people fall under the illusion that this means that 'anyone will do', whereas I acknowledge that you can only truly end loneliness by finding someone who truly fills that loneliness. Spending most of my life without such a person has made me very aware of that aspect of humanity, simply by experience. It's 'because' of that loneliness and emptiness during the night that I found myself remembering my troubles, not the other way around. Even the music being played in the car on the way back home was reminding me of things because the lyrics fit the situation, and because I tend to think of others before myself I never asked anyone to turn it off.

In fact... I got so consumed by the present at one point that it made me lose my chances of a happy future... That is actually, more or less, what made me lose the things that I hold dear in this world...

Perhaps... this is simply not a good place for me. I believe we are dealing with a simple matter of very different opinions, and I'm not arrogant enough to get into an argument with anyone about whose opinion is 'right' or 'wrong' because that's not how I think. I won't look down on people like that... I should probably leave to avoid anyone offending anyone else, because I'm already starting to feel like I'm being looked down on... We clearly see the world differently, and only an arrogant person will claim they have all the answers... I didn't come here for arguments... I came here because I'm alone.

I do appreciate your concern, but I see where things are going... I don't want to go down this road again because every single time I have it's just made things a lot worse.

Post Edited (solitaryangel1983) : 2/15/2011 8:01:39 PM (GMT-7)