Emotionally Damaged

I've been having these ups and downs for the last 2 years now, in combination with extremely high anxiety/depression levels.  I'm coming off the zoloft now and this is my 2nd week of no meds, and I did wheen myself off.  I am having these wild mood swings though.  They swing from depressive to frustration to anger to courage.  Kind of hard to explain how it all happens....but here's kind of how the cycle goes.

I get down about my life, my current situation, how bad I feel.....then I start thinking about will it ever get better and I get angry.  I get so mad with myself for being this much of a coward/wuss that I get myself so riled up.  I force myself to go out and go to the gym to try and prove to myself that I'm not this useless sack of crap.  When I'm in the gym I go all out, I run for 25 minutes, another 15 on the eliptical and about another 10 on the bike. I normally would stop and take a few breaks and take it easy, rest inbetween.  This is my routine before all my anxiety/depression probs.

Nowadays, I just go at it.  I run on the treadmill for like 20 minutes and quitting is never an option.  I'll be running and thinking to myself that I can't do it, then I tell myself if you quit this then you're giong to quit everything else in your life.  You stay on that darn treadmill and you finish it out, and not only that let's up the speed on it too.  By the time I'm done with 20 minutes I almost up the treadmill to a sprint.  I do this all more for my mental health then my physical health.  But neither really seems to improve,  well I guess sleep is coming a little easier for me since doing this so that's a positive.

I am such an emotional wreck though.  I'll be sitting home and watching a movie, listening to music, and start crying.  It's not like an all out balling because I don't let myself do that.  I hate feeling weak so the moment my eyes get watery and I start tearing up I just change whatever it is that caused it.  To show you an example of the kind of pointless crap that causes me to get so emotional....I was watching the Linkin Park concert on Fuse and the song "Iridescent" came on, and when the chorus came on I started tearing up, and my whole body felt like pins n needles.  You can hear it here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEfXn5S8pEY

The other night I was watching the movie replacements with Keanu Reeves and when Gene Hackman says he needs a quarterback who's got heart, all heart...I lost it.  Started cryin and welling up again, it's ridiculous.  I don't even know what it means.  I'm assuming it's because I'm so angry with myself for feeling like such a panzy that when I see anything inspirational or any song that touches on the feelings of insecurity/fear that I get upset.  I even got choked up watching the movie Rocky Balboa when he's having a talk with his kid.  Where he tells him that he used to be the greatest kid in the world, then when it came time for his kid to step out into the world and become his own man, that he let everyone start pointin a finger in his face and telling him he's no good.  That pretty much summarizes exactly how I feel my life has gone until now.  I'm trying to correct that now and trying to really dig deep and find some self respect, self pride.  Put up almost an inpenetrable wall and become a rock.  It's hard though, I'm such a sensitive guy and the stupidest things bother me.

I get the feeling that I'm emotionally damaged goods...

I can't see my therapist until March 5th, he went on vacation for the month. I really don't want to take any meds at all though, I hate them all they do is make me put on weight. Absolutely pointless

I'm alright for the most part, it's just the frustration/anger problems worry me. I've gotten kind of used to feeling so down. He works out of his house so he really doesn't have anyone else that I could see right now. It's alright though I can definetly hold out until he gets back. Just going to have to add a few more tv series to my netflix so it can occcupy me a little bit lol. Been playing ridiculous amounts of video games too just trying to keep my head off of me. Works sometimes, sometimes it don't. I've heard wellbutrin doesn't cause weight gain but I just realy don't want to go back on meds if I don't 100% have to. I want to really give this a shot to come off the zoloft, this is probably just the withdrawal mood swings. But darn are they mood swings....happy to mad, mad to sad, sad to angry, ugh.

Well my new therapist told me he thought that I'd be fine if I came off the meds. Granted that he is a very new therapist for me, only been to 3 visits with him. And my old psychiatrist wanted me to up my zoloft prescription. I was just dead set against it and went for a second opinion and my psychologist I go to now came recommended from my primary doctor. And he said he thought I was doing ok for the most part and said he would like to see me come off the medication and keep working through it with therapy. Just was bad timing that he's gone all this month I guess.

I'm just so angry lately, the last week or so. It's like I was so down and so numb when I was on teh zoloft, now that I'm coming off the stupidest little things just get me so worked up. Kind of scares me

Mike619er

I am sorry to be the one to bring this up - duplicate post are not allowed in the forums.  You have posted this identical post in A & P. 

My best advice is to see your physician as the members in both forums have advised you well but we are not professionals.  Let us know what the Dr. thinks is going on with you.

Kindly,

Kitt 

Mike,
Please listen to everyone here. They know what they are talking about. I agree with them. Currently I am also having a difficult time and just made an appt with my therapist for tomorrow. It needs to be done and it will make me feel better. I have also been waiting for two weeks and don't have an appt until the middle of March but I could not make it til then. You really need to talk to your therapist and let him know that you would not have called unless it was absolutly necessary. And let him know about the whole anger thing. It would concern me too. And right now I also feel useless and emotionally damaged. However, I refuse to let this affect my kids to the best of my ability and it is tough!
Please take care of yourself!
Lisa
BTW...what state are you from? Just curious...

Thanks Lisa, I am doing alright. It's just the fact that I'm always in deep thought and worry that drives me nuts though. I worry that I'm going to snap, that I'm giong to go crazy, I worry about my anger probs and my inability to get any enjoyment from things. But I guess that's just what depression is. I had an ok night of sleep though, got about 7-8 huors in without any help from meds or sleep aids. So I think the exercising si atleast helping me in that area. I'm from NY by the way, they say if you can make it here you can make it anywhere. Maybe I just need to move somewhere where it's easier to make it lol

Hey there, what you posted sounds alot like me (minus the working out part, which I've heard is a great release) My moods have been so up and down and I tend to cry over the tiniest things in movies, shows or if someone says something sweet or sad,etc. But I'm also so quick to get frustrated and so angry, and worrying about everything....it's horrible! I know how you feel. I was on some medication...antidepressants in the past and lithium just recently because I was told I was bipolar, but I got off all those medications. I noticed when i was on some of them it quelled the symptoms but made me feel just...off..in a bad way and I hated it! After I got off the lithium I noticed my emotions came back ten fold. So I've been resisting when therapists have told me about how i need medication :/ I might be wrong but I don't know. The one thing I have been taking occasionally for anxiety/anger is small amounts of xanax which calms me down and helps me sleep. It's something to consider taking occasionally if you have issues calming down or sleeping. Best of luck!!!

Xanax might be good for you Mike. Another good one to stop you from thinking at night is risperdol. It helps you sleep too. I had obsessive thinking and it helped me. And both can be used just as needed. You don't have to take them everyday. Just when you want which gives you a feeling of having more control over the medication.

Best wishes,

Karen

How are you doing today? Hope things are better for you!

Thanks for the good tips Karen. I will definetly look into some forms of self help. One form I was looking into already was related to my new healthcare provider. The healtcare plan I have through my job now has a self-help mental health/depression guide. You have to go to the healthcare provider site and then sign up for the mental health guide/forum/plan whatever it is. It's supposedly this online tool that they made to help or teach good coping skills, or atleast that's what I think it is. The only thing scaring me away from it is I don't want my account to get flagged if I sign up for this, I don't want my job finding out that I'm signing up for anxiety/depression through their healthcare provider. That'll be grounds for termination real quick I feel like.

I bought a yoga dvd awhile back and it was kind of interesting trynig that out. I felt like a complete idiot (and not too manly) doing some of the stretches. Was really embarassed if my parents orbrothers would walk by my room and see me doing it so I stopped lol. I ordered that feel good book from amazon so hopefully that comes soon.

I've been doing ok the last couple of days Lisa, I have my ups and downs. I went out last night with a few friends to a bar and limited myself to 4 beers, I know I shouldn't be drinking but I have to see my friends. It's a blessing and a curse really, because when I see them I instantly get in a better mood. We start talking about basketball/football/sports/work/girls/etc. All stuff that's completely NOT anxiety/depression. I feel like that's SOOO healthy for me and I feel great when I'm around them. Granted I still have the physical feelings, lightheadedness, dreamlike feelings, lil clumsy, but I emotionally feel so much better around them. Bad part is, I kind of paid for it a little this morning, was feeling a little out of it until around like 2-3 o'clock. It is what it is though, I now have control over my drinking for the time being when Ido go out, and I honestly don't see anything wrong with havin a couple just to be social. I can't wait til the summer time where we can actually go out and I wont have to drink, go out to a batting cage, golfing, fishing, do something that I can actually be social and stay busy. Not just sit at the bar, sitting there without a drink in your hand is probably like the hardest thing in the world to do. Got nothing else to do while you're there lol.

Today I kept having those "I need to get out of this job" thoughts, but I keep pushing them off. The benefits/pay/time off is so good, and yea being a teller is extremely stressful. But so is every job, no matter where I go I'm going to have issues with something. That's what I keep reminding myself of and just trying to suck it up and try and make work the best it can be for the meantime. I just really hope I can get a good handle on this anxiety/depression stuff so I can get back to focusing/worknig towards my TRUE goals like moving out, buying a boat, getting in shape, meeting somebody and actually giving a relationship a shot (have yet to even atttempt that one), get a better job, complete my bachelors degree. These are all things that I've always wanted, and not for nothing....anxiety and depression have ALWAYS my entire life been to blame for why I never achieved them. No more though, I'm tired of feeling like a failure. It's time to strap on the gloves and come out swingin.

I am so glad that you got the book and I hope that it helps you.

Hugs, Karen