Posted 10/21/2012 8:07 AM (GMT 0)
I was on SSRI's for a total of 8 years before tapering off last spring. The first four 1/2 years, I took a low dose (between 5-15 mg) of prozac, and the next three 1/2 years I took lexapro, a somewhat higher dose (20-40 mg). Despite all I read on the internet before coming off antidepressants, knowing how difficult it would be, I never expected what I have experienced in the last nine months. I guess the numbness of the drug simply can't prepare you for the reality of actual pain. The anxiety and mild depression I had before I started taking srri's is a fraction of some of the horrors i've experienced towards the end of my lexapro dose and of course, after coming off. I had perfectionistic anxiety in high school (obsession with grades, achievement, and anxiety about athletic performance) and had experienced mild depression as a child/teenager, but it always went away. I definitely did not understand the true meaning of anxiety attacks and deep depression until my last few years on lexapro. I went through a bad break up at 20 years old and the drugs never worked the same. Right after the break up, I attempted to come off prozac completely, but obviously, that did not work out well. I resumed taking it for fear of falling behind in my last year of college and fear of not being able to function altogether. The worst part of being on the antidepressants during that emotionally turbulent time was not being able to fully feel my sadness, but knowing it was stewing deep inside me and really only getting worse from not being felt. It's so important to feel feelings I think. I was blocked from the full intensity of my heart and it manifested in anxiety. It was the kind of anxiety I had NEVER experienced in my life. I had never understood people with irrational fear or even severe social anxiety, although my heart went out to them. As a teenager, my anxieties were centered around achievement and perfection, like I mentioned, and I never had irrational fear or social phobias. Well, after resuming prozac my last year of college, it was like I was never the same. I experienced a serious amount of anxiety just going to class...an activity that I had previously considered the easy part of college. I also experienced an intense amount of anxiety around roomates and co workers; again, something I had not felt before. I had always been very aware of other people, but I had never downright feared them or wished desperately that they would disappear, only to feel badly lonely once they had. I didn't know what to do with these new "real" anxieties. It was like all my naivete as a teenager about my "easy" anxieties had landed me on a drug which ultimately introduced me to the reality of chronic anxiety and deep depression. I got a job after college and barely made it through the first year, battling anxiety attacks every month, which lasted for hours while I was at work. The rest of the time I felt apathetic, tired, and overly desperate to be liked by my co workers but yet barely willing to converse with them. At the time I was so startled and humbled by what I was going through that I could barely ask for help. I knew I needed therapy but I couldn't get it together enough to find successful therapy. I did see two therapists, the first one I could not connect with at all and the second one left after two months because she was doing a residency. I didn't tell anyone I was having anxiety attacks until a year or two after they started. At this point, I had come to expect them and planned my life around avoiding them. Often they were induced by caffeine, although I relied heavily on coffee at the time to feel better about myself so it was hard to quit altogether. Even the smallest amount of caffeine, like in tea, could send me into an hours long spiral. In retrospect, I should have abstained all together but I was addicted to the good and bad of the caffeine. Also, I only gained 5-10 lbs my first 4.5 years on prozac, which was actually good since I was a little underweight when I started. But after that, when things became terrible, I gained another 10-20 lbs and became truly miserable (not because of the weight but it just added to the list).
I had always taken for granted being thin and it was expected from my family and some peers. The weight is coming off now after withdrawing from lexapro, but I never have had this much of a battle figuring out the "best" things to eat in my life. I just never put so much thought into it, but now I am obsessed with health food, vitamins, nutrients, hormone levels, and essentially anything natural I can consume to alleviate some of my day to day symptoms. Withdrawl symptoms include headaches, difficulty falling asleep and waking up (insomnia sort of), eczema flair ups, severe crying spells, body "heaviness" like there are weights attached to my legs and arms, mental and physical disassociation, fear of leaving the house even for simple errands, fear or violence and being attacked when walking alone, sweating, nausea, a few times irregular heartbeat, stomach cramping and digestive issues etc...it becomes depressing to list them. Oh and general depression. I truly don't want to pity myself and I can deal with a lot of pain, I just need to know there's a reason, and I am making progress, and that there's an end in site. I am insistent on not going back on these drugs, as I believe they got me in to 75% of the trouble I am in in the first place. I have no desire to feel good all the time, or be some freakishly happy person. I just want to be NORMAL, to feel happy and sad and neutral in equal amounts. I don't even mind a little anxiety and depression, as long as it's not debilitating and affecting every moment of my life. Currently I am about 80% very sad and anxious and 20% content, which is not the best ratio and sometimes the sadness is so so dark that I have serious thoughts about wishing I were not alive. I would never doing anything, but philosophically, I know my life is very unenjoyable and barely worth living at times. I am also concerned that strange and scary changes have actually occurred in my brain. Being very smart and academic all my life, it hurts to think I have jeopardized some of my innate intelligence and hurt my mind and body. I suppose I trusted doctors too much. Is anyone else of the mind that although your brain feels like its horribly messed up, it is actually fine and chemical levels are adjusting naturally and real damage is not occurring? Or are there pessimists out there that would like to speak to the contrary? I have read some awful stuff online and am trying not to believe the paranoid sounding views about ssri's and psychological damage.
I have been off lexapro for 7 months-does anyone who was previously on lexapro or prozac for a number of years have any specific advice for things I can do to alleviate symptoms or some type of rough time line for when the normal starts to outweigh the horrible? I have been seeing a therapist for 7 months, which is helping but not as much as I expected. I even see her twice a week currently. It is quite expensive so it is not as if I'm seeing someone who isn't an "expert". I have also cut out most sugar, alcohol, any mood altering substances, and most caffeine. I eat fruit, vegetables, healthy oils and dairy products, seafood, healthy grains heavy in fiber, nuts, seeds, small amounts of meat and that's generally about it. I just don't know how much healthier I can get. I used to work out 5 days/week but my body has been so wack that every time I try serious exercise I often feel sick and too sore afterwards for it to seem healthy. I have also had bad anxiety from trying to exercise. Mostly I just do fast walking and try to get exercise out of chores. People with knowledge please speak up.