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Posted 4/23/2011 7:14 AM (GMT 0)
 I'm new here, never done this sort of thing before. I'm too afraid to talk to someone over the phone or in person about what's going on. So that is what brought me to this place. I hope it helps but have my doubts.

 I'm 21 and have been in counseling before when I was about 13. It was going well until my stepmother at the time ruined it. I've been through some rough things in my life. Things that no one should ever have to deal with. The only one who kept me alive and helped me through it was my younger sister. She was my best friend and always knew what to say or do to cheer me up. I suffered from depression, among other things, but the last couple years I had been feeling better. Well, in February I found out I was pregnant and my husband and I were very excited. Then on a weekend in March I found out that I had miscarried. I was very upset and thought I would have my sister to help me. Two days after I found out about the miscarriage, I received a phone call about my sister. She had taken her own life. My world shattered and I have yet to figure out how to put everything back together. It's not like I was whole before losing her, so this is just one more nail in the coffin, so to speak. Along with losing my sister, my father is also going to be taken away from me in a few weeks. It seems like I'm losing everyone in my life, and I don't know what to do anymore. One minute I will be crying, the next screaming, the next laughing, and the cycle continues. There is so much more I could say about what's going on. I constantly feel hatred for myself, my sister, and everyone else. I rarely feel any happiness and when I do, I feel guilty. I look at her picture and cry multiple times a day. I know I need help but am afraid to ask for it. I feel like if I let anyone know what's going on with me, I'm being selfish and a pathetic loser. I'm lost and don't know what to do anymore.

Posted 4/24/2011 12:50 AM (GMT 0)
Hello, MusicLuver, and welcome to the Depression Forum,

This is a holiday weekend and many of the most talented people may be away from their computers tonight visiting with loved ones. They may not return until tomorrow or certainly by Monday, A.M. I'll give
this my best effort for you in the meantime.

I hope genuinely that you will not regard seeking psychiatric help as
some sort of negative event for you. When you have a viral infection you wouldn't hesitate to see an M.D. And if you have depression, you shouldn't hesitate to talk to a specialist who is especially trained to treat this temporary problem for you.

Please make an appointment to talk to your physician who may start
you on medication right away and then refer you to a specialist to continue to talk about the losses you've endured in your life and how
to rebuild your love for life and to hope again for new life to enter your world. You have had an extraordinarily difficult time with death in your immediate family, so like all of us at that time in life, you might benefit from talking to a psychiatrist.

They are some of the most compassionate, sensitive, and attentive people you will ever meet. You need never fear that people will think you some sort of pathetic loser. That just doesn't occur in the minds
of grownups who know how difficult psychological blows are. Such blows, MusicLuver, may very easily cause a chemical imbalance in the brain and doctors know how to help restore its proper level with the right medications.

Please do get assistance; in the interval, please try to live in the moment: that is, don't think about the past if you can avoid it and don't dwell on the future. Try to concentrate on something good right now in your life. Try meditation or being outside in the sunshine or reading or whatever relaxes you.

Gettingby is the Forum Moderator here; she and Jamie are the two experts offhand that I know who may be able to give you the best help you need. Wait until you hear from them, please, before you make any
definite decision to stop posting here.

We all care and would like to help.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 4/23/2011 10:09:30 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/24/2011 2:47 AM (GMT 0)
Many many sympathies...
You are not a loser, please don't think that, your going thru a lot of grief,
and everyone handles that differently. Seek out help maybe a psychologists,
but do get help. It can take awhile to heal from for the loss of a loved one,
only time can truly heal that and please know, we do care about you, too.
Hope you do seek out help, keep us posted and many sympathies
Posted 4/26/2011 9:57 AM (GMT 0)
music lover i am sorry for the losses you have gone through. i think re-engaging in therapy would be a good thing. i know about loss, i too have gone through it, no i am not a woman, but i do empathise with your pain. i feel it real important to seek medical help. your dr can help with ideas / suggestions and can on refer you to compassionate people. you have been brave in posting your situation, keep being brave and seek some assistance. music lover remember that you are a precious human being with gifts and talents unique to you. remember that you are precious in this world too. much healing compassion to you. jamie.
Posted 4/26/2011 6:11 PM (GMT 0)
wow. Your sister will be looking over you and looking out for you. Stay strong.
Posted 4/26/2011 6:18 PM (GMT 0)
IG... Don't sell yourself short. You give very good advice and I have learned a lot from you. You are intelligent and compassionate. Remember that. And remember you are a beautiful person.

MusicLuver,

First of all, welcome to the forum. I haven't had internet for four days and I am sorry I am so late getting to your post. As you have not replied to anybody, I hope that you are okay and reading what the others have written to you. Know that we all care about you.

Have you gone to any grief counseling? I really do recommend it. To lose somebody so close to you in such a way, it really takes a toll on a preson. I think that if you went to some grief counseling, you would have some closure that you are probably not having at this point. And I do want to say that I am so sorry for your loss. You probably have a lot of unanswered questions about this and grief counseling would help tremendously. Or even just regular counseling. You need help right now and deserve to get it. You are a special individual and I want you to remember that. Don't hate yourself or dislike yourself. You should love yourself.

I am sorry that your father has been taken away from you. I don't know if you mean that he has passed on or if there is something else going on. But either way, it must be hard for you right now. You have a lot on your emotional plate, and I feel that you could use some stability and direction. Do keep posting and know that we all care about you. I hope that you post again. As we would really love to be able to be here for you.

I am also sorry for the loss of your baby.  I really want to encourage you to hang in there and get some counseling.  You need support so bad right now after suffrering all of thes losses sweetie.  Know that everybody here cares about you.

Hugs, Karen

Posted 4/27/2011 1:25 AM (GMT 0)
I truly understand how you feel and i do know the rolercoaster ride. my girlfriend talked me into stopping my meds and now she is dumping me because she can't handle my moods. she says that its all in my head and i believe the doctors that i need meds but proof is we did not argue until after i stopped meds.and now she tells me it is over and i am totally lost and ready to take my own life because of her words.i feel so unwanted so worthless.
Posted 4/27/2011 3:24 PM (GMT 0)
Lonely,

You are just feeling that way because of what happened. Get back on the meds and meet somebody nice that will accept you for who you are. There are people like that out there in this world. You will meet somebody when the time is right.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/2/2011 11:53 AM (GMT 0)
I appreciate all the kind words from all of you. I apologize for not giving any reply sooner, but I've been closed off from everything. There were many times when I wanted to call a crisis hotline for help or open up to someone but I didn't. I'm afraid of being taken away and put in a hospital somewhere. So I've been fighting a hard battle with myself and my problems. My poor husband doesn't know what to do. He tries to help but doesn't know what to do. It was a few days ago that I finally reached out to a long-time family friend. I shared some of my feelings and worries, like maybe I'm just not meant to be here. Maybe I'm supposed to let go and be with my family once again where we can finally be happy. She is working on setting me up with a therapist at a local mental health hospital. I'm afraid to go because I'm afraid of opening up. I'm afraid that I'm totally losing my mind. I keep having crazy dreams that seem to be distorting my sense of reality. When I wake up I have to make myself remember what's real and what's not. It's driving me up a wall. Everyone tells me that I'm special and meant to be here and thrive, but what if I'm not? What if I'm meant to choose another path to another place? So many what ifs run through my head constantly. What if I was meant to save my sister? She messaged me right before she took her own life. I knew it was worded oddly but shrugged it off. Maybe she was hoping I would help her. I feel guilty and lost and alone. I hope that this therapist helps because I can't take much more.
Posted 6/2/2011 1:02 PM (GMT 0)
please don't blame your self for the loss of your sister. It isn't your fault. She would have done it no matter what. You are a very special person, I can tell. I think this is going to really help you. Keep your chin up and try the counseling. Know that we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
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