Venting yet again

Alright well I've been totally frustrated with just about everything lately.  My financial situation=crap, credit situation=crap, work situation=crap, sleep situation=crap, relationship situation=crap, friends & social situations=ok (but feel nothing when I do go out).

Was debating the past couple of weeks what I should do as far as therapy is concerned.  I finally came to the conclusion with the therapist tonight that I don't want to continue with therapy anymore.  I am having financial problems and honestly I am not seeing any results with therapy at all.  I've been giong for a year and a half now and seeing all these different therapists, and I feel like I got the gist of all of the therapy.  Do whatever it is you need to do regardless of how you feel, don't be scared and let things hold you back.  Well ok, I've been doing that lately and things have been getting a LITTLE better.

I still feel completely frustrated and lost though, have no idea which way my life is going right now.  I don't have any sort of career path set in stone, I am really starting to get upset about my current job and am looking for something else that I might be interested or better suited for.  Have no idea what that could be possibly be though.

I'm getting a little worried that maybe without therapy that things could get really bad and dark for me again.  At one point I was very bad and had those bad thoughts, this was a solid year ago though.  I'm hoping those days are behind me and that I've learned from some of the things I've picked up in this past year of off and on therapy.  I think it's about time I take a stand and try to do this on my own and try and just be more open with my family and maybe they can help me out with things.

Just really hoping I made the right decision here, it's so hard for me to make up my darn mind and stick to a decision.  Guess that's just a side effect of all this darn self-induced stress though

Mike619er said...
Alright well I've been totally frustrated with just about everything lately. My financial situation=crap, credit situation=crap, work situation=crap, sleep situation=crap, relationship situation=crap, friends & social situations=ok (but feel nothing when I do go out).

All of these things are in your own control to change. Take charge. Getting even one of these things straightened out will not "cure" your depression, it will however help you deal with it. Don't eat the elephant all in one bite. Chose one thing to focus on, make a plan and then get going.

I hear ya Karen, but, I feel like I have to or else I'm never giong to be happy/confident again. I feel like part of my problem lately is the fact of knowing that "wednesday night I have to go see my therapist", and then I have to lie to my family/friends and say that I'm going to the gym or going somewhere else so that I can keep upw ith the therapy. Then even when I'm there I hate it, I'm not a very open person about discussing my insecurities or issues. The main thing I kept complaining of was the physical feelings of anxiety, the lightheadedness, the out of body experience, the out of control feeling, all of that. The therapists answer always seemed to be that if you want to get better you're going to have to think about starting meds again, talk therapy can help but it will take so much longer.

That's when we kept talking and I realized that everything I was saying to him, I already knew the answer he was giong to spit out. It's almost as if I already know what to do, and most of it I am already doing....but it's just the physical feelings that drag me down and make me feel like I'm so bad at times.

But Id on't know, I'm going to try and give this a good shot without therapy and see where it gets me. Work today was pretty rough but I seem to be diong alright now that I'm home. Maybe if I'm lucky enough I can sneak in a little nap righ tnow and then head out with some friends later on.

I'm trying not to isolate myself too much, tonight didn't fall through though. I just lied down and took a short 20 min nap after work and just watched some TV until around 7 and then was going to meet up with a friend for some drinks but turns out he went out somewhere else. I wasn't even really that dissapointed though, I just kind of came back home and watched a little bit of TV with the parents.

Can't shake this feeling though that I should always be doing something more, or better, or bigger. Like I'm wasting my time or not doing enough. I think that that's a side effect of all the criticism that I get when I see therapists. Challenging me to stay busy, to put myself out there, to do things and stay active. I take things very literally, so I feel like that if I'm sitting home and doing nothing for a day or even for an afternoon, that that's a failure of an afternoon and that it somehow contributes to my bad moods.

I'm semi-relaxed right now I guess. I just spend way too much time in such deep ridiculous thought. I so miss the days where I'd just be content with just going to the storea nd picking up food/drinks to just have a nice bbq in the backyard and relax. Now when I do something like that I don't really even get enjoyment from it. And no, that's not the one thing that I desire more then everything lol. It's just an example of something I would get enjoyment out of and now I just feel nothing.

My therapist says I'm suffering from Adhedonia or however you spell it. It's the numbing of emotions/feelings/interest. It's pretty strange to get absolutely no interest or excitement in anything. I hope some day that this changes for me. It's a pretty lonely and depressing life when you don't really look foward or get interested in anything.

I wouldn't be against taking medication for it if I knew that it would work. I took cymbalta and zoloft (therapist said I wasnt taking enough zoloft to see effects of it) and neither done did anything for me. So I don't really know where to go from there, I really don'tfeel like experimenting with a bunch of different mental health drugs that more then likely won't do anything to change how i feel. You're right in the fact that I felt better once the doctor read from his psychology book that most people with depersonlization (which i definetly have) are just suffering from anxiety, and that also Adhenohia or however you spell it is a numbing of the emotions from depression. I just don't know if anything is really going to help at this point anymore, I just feel myself just slowly slipping into not giving a darn and just trying to make it through the days.

Thanks Karen for the advice and the good wishes :)

Sending the same right back at ya

Thanks Mike,

And know that we all care so deeply about you here.

Hugs, Karen