Still Struggling/At a crossroads

Get an appointment with your primary care doctor and explain all this to him/her you
could have a medical problem and I would urge you to get some bloodwork done to
see if everything is okay and then go from there, but get checked out first and error
on the side of caution, a lot of medical ailments can cause low energy levels, some
of which are vitamin defencies...(sorry my spellings not so good). Ans never admit your
a failure, no one is...you are important and keep us posted, others will come by with better advise
Well wishes...

Hi mike619er--are U in the SD area? No matter, I've been where you are at and here's what I've found after a life time (I'm 65 now) of doing battle with what sounds like at a min. depression and possibly ADHD. As for the job, it will just drive you to frustration to stay on a job you don't like. So 1st I'd say don't stay on that job. If you are ADHD, then staying still at a desk job would be very difficult. It sounds like you'd be happier doing something at least physical to some degree. As for achitecture, been there, tried that same idea...my opinion, not a good idea if you are ADHD...too much math and concentration and a great deal of detail work would be required...that doesn't sound like a match for you. Construction, maybe...depends upon what you'd be doing, but it's a hard market to get a job in doing physical construction work these days. Your idea to go back to the family business, well, what is that business? Maybe, depending upon what it is. Family is often more understanding when you have problems of this nature than a boss will be...something to consider. Your idea to go back to school for computers/electronics, well that field is pretty filled up with lots of educated people looking for any job they can get. I really think the window for that type of job is pretty tight. I'd suggest you look at the stock market to see what is the up and coming buss. I think you can get some ideas from seeing what are the stock sectors that are moving up. Your thoughts on going back to your Psy and get drugged up...well yes and no...yes it's good to go back to the Psy (psychologist is what I'd suggest...they are different) With feeling like you do it would be a good thing to do and it might be a really good idea to consider going on certain drugs, BUT read up on any drugs your Dr. wants to give you before you take them. I've been on some really bad RX drugs...Lamictal comes to mind (that one should be taken off the market, IMHO)...and some really good ones..Wellbutrin, that I'm now on. So in my estimation, going to a Psy & psychologist and going on certain drugs couild be very good for you at this time, if the combination is right for you. You could get your motivation back and become much happier and feel you have direction and purpose in life.So don't knock it, does work. BUT you can't give up on the idea of working or think of yourself as a failure. You are only a failure if you choose to do nothing but stay where you are at. It's apparent you are trying, you came here to find some help.That shows you are trying. Don't give up. Give the Psy a try and read up on the drugs he wants to give you and try some, if you feel OK with that drug...if you don't feel OK, ask him for another type of drug. Don't expect anything great to happen with the drugs, for at least 1 month. Often it takes takes that long for meds to start to work. Also, like Chartreux talked about...look into vitamins. I take many and they all help me. I don't take anything I've not fully read about and know what to expect out of it and what it will do for me. Also if you want to feel better ASAP, don't drink any alcohol, caffeine, eat only low carbs (ie,no potatoes, cookies, cakes, candy, pies, ice cream, junk food, coke, sodas, etc, they will all make you feel depressed). Exercise, every day in the morning, and at about 6 pm, even if you don' t feel like it. It will help keep the depression away. I know it works. I do it daily, even when I don't feel like it. Watch FUNNY TV programs and FUNNY movies...nothing else! Don't read anything else either, especially when you are feeling like you do. that stuff really affects a person negatively. It's good to see your friends, even if you feel like an outsider. It's good to socialize. Instead of doing nothing productive with your time, do something that makes you feel good. Take up a hobby, do sprots or build something or do you like art? Do you like clay sculpture? Do you like to draw or paint? Try them all, you might find a really good release and find it makes you feel satisfied. BTW when watching TV do you jiggle your foot? If you do, I'd be willing to bet you are ADHD. If you are ADHD, there are some really good books by Dr. Ellen Weiss, she was one of the 1st people to discover ADHD lasted from childhood into adulthood. She has some really helpful ideas on how to cope with ADHD. I've read some of her books and use some of her ideas. They could really help you if you are ADHD. You can get her books at most Libraries. I've given you a lot of ideas here, all of them I've tried and will swear by....they all do work...the trick is to find what works really well for you and put it into your own "tool kit" to fight the depression you are going thru. Good Luck...I wish you well and I know you'll do OK..I can tell that by the very fact you came here to get some help.

Is that a side effect of someone who is ADHD? Someone who's thoughts are alawys jumbled up can't make a deciision and struggles to satisfied in a certain position/situation? I have no idea if it is or isn't I just have really noticed that being idle and sitting behind a desk is really something that drives me nuts at work. But then again no matter what I'm doing I'm sure I'll find something that I dislike about it. How do I even work on something like that though? I would read up on other symptoms of being ADHD but I really don't want do that because I know I will start self diagnosing every little possible symptom.

And yea you're probably right about the promotion part, I Just feel as if i'm getting older and that my prior work history should put me in a position to atleast be able to not start at the bottom within this company I'm in now. I don't really have much banking expeirence though so I am learning a lot on the fly as I go, but it's just frustrating to always start out at the bottom and have to prove yourself everytime you try and choose a different career path.

One thing I have noticed too, and I've done it for years. It's been pointed out by my family/friends, the fact that I talk very fast. I mumble sometmies but the majority of the times I'll just talk really fast which just makes whatever I say sometimes come off as rushed or nervous. It happens more often when I am a little nervous but it's been something that I've been trying to work on and have gotten a little better at. I don't know, I just seem to see all my flaws and not really a lot of my strengths.

mike, i cop it every night in my dreams. 1 dream that is trippy finds it's way into the next bizzare to the next crazy and absurd dream. blame it on seroquel i do, but really it is just my twisted mind dealing with my insanity of the day?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!! jamie. i fully understand.

ps, have you thought about re-training in another field or something? here for you mate, keep being strong.

Thanks guys. I did get one of the toys I wanted, I got a 4x4 truck, it's actually pretty nice. It's a 2008 envoy and it's fully loaded. It definetly helps now that when I'm driving somewhere that I feel better about myself driving this thing then I did my piece of crap car. I haven't made the first payment on this truck yet, think it's due in like 3-4 weeks so IDK I might feel differently about it then lol.

I really do try to see the positives but the problem is, I don't really think about anything in the now. I think a lot about everything in the past. Things I used to do, used to enjoy, that i can't do anymore. How my friends aren't all around all the time, how I have to picka nd choose on weekends who to go see and it never feels the same. I get really caught up in my thinking, and then the fact that I feel that way makes me depressed.

Another really bad symptom I have is depersonalization. I swear to god I think I might have the worst case of DP known to mankind. I constantly feel like nothing is real, nothing is happening, and the enjoyment or interest that I should have in things is completely gone for the most part. I still function at my job out of complete necessity. I know it's the only thing that I feel like I have going positive for me for the most part, and I know it's the one thing that atleast distracts my mind a little bit from the nonsense thinking.

Moving out of my house and living on my own is really not too realistic. I live on long island and the apartments/houses/condos here are insanely overpriced. There's no chance I could afford 1200 a month for a one bedroom which is what they're going for in my area. I only make 1600 take home a month and I'd be spending 11-1200 of it on rent. Not really too realistic, I've put a lot of thought about trying to save up for a few years and maybe move down to Florida and buy something cheap down there. But then again I heard it's all relative, it's cheaper down in Florida but then the jobs don't pay as good. This world is absolutely messed up financially, how the hell do you expect people to live when just putting a roof over your head is so darn expensive. I'm 25 and complaining about this, I can only imagine how it's going to be later on lol

I'm sure there are probably ways to maybe financially afford to move out but I'm just really not making enough to even start thinking about that. Maybe once I get apromotion or a better paying job or something that would be something to look into. But right now it's just not really something that is attainable. And yea you're definetly right Karen I definetly need to find something to focus on. My counselor hasn't really been able to help me much with that, I actually stopped seeing my psychologist 2 weeks ago because I felt the sessions weren't helping and that I was just giving all my money away to him every month. $200 a month with no results can really discourage the crap out of you. After going to 6-7 sessions at 1 session a week I decided to stop. I always question if I should go back or not but I don't know. I really struggle to make my mind up about things. Like you said, I overthink and analyze every last possible option to the point where it leaves me mentally exhausted without even doing a darn thing. Definetly really starting to piss me off :)

As far as the maybe a female comment I got a nice laugh out of that lol. It's kind of pathetic really that I can't really envision myself in that situation. I guess I've just been single my whole life and I don't even know what it would be like, waht to expect, if I would enjoy it, maybe it would frustrate the hell out of me? Being single all these years has really gotten me used to my privacy and my alone time. It would be really weird to have constant companionship, idk if I would do well with that honestly.

I can't do it anymore guys. I'm just not strong enough to do this without help. I tried this hard ass, tough nose, just suck it up and plow through it with no meds and give it all I got. I tried to stay busy, I tried to stay social, I tried to talk it out with therapists. I just can't do this anymore.

I'm calling up my psychologist and asking him for a reference to use for a psychiatrist and to try meds again.

I know I have a good job, a roof over my head, a nice truck (now I do anyways), and a lot of things that I should be thankful for and happy for. I'm not happy about anything in my life though. This is absolutely no awy to feel. I feel like an absolute loser 24/7 and just walk around in an absolute daze all darn day feeling like the only darn guy in the world. Even when I'm around family and friends I just feel like they're not even there and absolutely no emotion.

This is no f'ing way to live. I went out tonight drinking for my friends birthday and just was pissed that even as I was drinking I was still anxious and unable to let go and have a good time. I never have a release, never enjoy anything.

So this is it, this is my admission. I'm ****ed up and need help

I think you are making the right choice. There is a time when we need meds, and it might not be forever. Make sure you let him know what you tried before that didn't work. That way he wont give it to you again. I highly recommend a mood stabilizer with the antidepressant. It really helps, and maybe something for anxiety. I use to overthink everything. The mood stabilizer stopped that.

Best wishes to you Mike, I think you are doing the right thing.

Hugs, Karen

Thanks guys, I don't even know to whose standards I measure myself up to. My last therapist was asking me that and I don't really have an answer. I think it's a combination of things. Starting with the fact that I never really was the popular guy back in high school, which honestly I don't care about now but maybe that started my insecurity? Then the joking around and teasing of friends (who are still my good friends) about me being single and having bad luck with the opposite sex (little do they know it's because I am so insecure I never really wanted a girlfriend, was scared of someone getting close), then working with my family for the last 3-4 years in which nothing was ever good enough. Which carired over and ruined the home life a bit because work life became home life and it just caused I guess what you see today. And on top of all that, the problem with my jaw which has always given me insecurity problems and which honestly, is probably the root cause of all of this crap. It affects the way I talk or atleast the way I perceive that I talk so it makes me shut down and not say certain things or speak up with confidence because I feel like I don't say things clearly, or that I will show a lisp o rsomething.

I'm just a walking ball of insecurity I guess.

Don't really know where to go from here though. I called my last psychologist I was dealing with and asked him if I could see him every other week instead of every week because it's too expensive. He said he doesn't think that I'd benefit from every other week and said he would only want to take me on if it was weekly because he would feel like we weren't making any progress. So now I'm back to the point where I need to find a new psychologist, or go back to one of my old ones haha.

Messed up part is today and yesterday were better then 2 days ago. And there's moments in the day where I'll be ok and functioning, then moments in the day where I' losing it. I'm having a HUGE identity problem lately. I look in the mirror and have no idea who the heck is staring back at me. Three years ago I knew who that guy was. He was a guy who was working hard in his family business and trying to get his life on track. Now I've been in 3 jobs in the last 2 years, working in a big company (somehting Ive neverdone before) and under all these ridiculous rules/policies/etc. Getting out and meeting all new ppl from doing so too, I guess maybe working in the family business for all these years hurt my ability to socialize and meet new ppl because I feel so odd doing it, or I am just blaming my extreme anxiety/depression problems because they make me feel this way.

A whole lot of dilemnas and situations going on in my head irhgt now, and they're alll too jumbled up and confusing for me to actually sit down and make a firm decision on any of them. It's annoying because they consume my focus daily. To go back to school, to not go back to school, to go on meds, to not go on meds, to go back to therapy, to not go back to therapy, to pursue a career in the current career I'm in or to switch and go back to school for something different. How am I going to move out, when am I going to move out, how will it be once I do move out, am I giong to be ok on my own or will it get even worse? ALl these ridiculous what ifs and scenarios flood my head to the point where it makes the simplest things pretty much impossible

Hi Mike! I hope this is not too forward but I am pretty good at "diagnosing" others -- I myself wanted to become a psychiatrist when I grew up, actually went to college thinking that was what I was going to be, but then I saw how long they had to go to school and I was like -- yikes! That and the fact that I figured I had too many problems myself to help others, depression at first, and then it became noticible that I was BP -- yes, BIPOLAR II. From reading your post, you actually sound so much like me, and actually sound so much like my husband who is not BP!

Please dont be afraid to see a good doc, one that will actualy understand exactly what you are describing, a psychiatrist who will be there for you and will recommend a treatment plan. Possibly you could be like me and be bipolar, its nothing to be ashamed of or to not seek treatment for. I am only on two meds currently and am 30. Just started this ride myself.

Its very possible once you start the medications you will have a much clearer mind and you will be able to sort our your thoughts, and you will then be able to know what you want to do with your future, just think positive, the sky is the limit!! And my husband has found a really good career in the heating and air field, he makes really good money, and it took I think 14 months at a technical school for him to get there -- he is busy busy busy and he talks so fast too!! It makes him work harder and faster and is a benefit I think!

I hope that this has been helpful for you!
God Bless -- Stephanie

The issue I have with going on meds is my idea of the quality of life that I always envisioned. Being able to have BBQ's with friends and famiy in the backyard, drinking a few beers and talking it up and loving life. I won't be able to do that if I go on meds. But then again what am I really doing now anyways? I really don't feel like doing much of anything, I'm just constantly tired and totally uninterested in just about everything. The only thing I give a darn about is being employed. I refuse to let all this garbage and everything ruin my chance at a good career.

The things that bother me are way too long to explain in one post or even in one meeting with a therapist. The fact that everyone is growing up, that I never see all my friends together anymore (a lot of them moved away or work weekends or just have different schedules), everyone is hitched up in a relatinship and I'm left here just single and lonely as hell. The fact that when I go to family events everyone always says "I havent seen you in so long", "How have you been diong?" "I'm so happy you're feeling better". I know it's all positive stuff and they really and truly mean it, but I don't even want to hear it/deal with it. Don't have any clue on exactly how to fix all this though. I get the feeling like everyone is moving on with life and i'm just sitting here floundering around not sure what the heck to do with myself.

Personally, and I hope I don't offend anyone with this, I look down the roadat a life full of medications and being "drugged" up as failure. I want Mike back, I want the guy who would get excited about going out to the movies, or going out to hang out with friends. I don't know how I changed into this totally antisocial/lazy guy. It's pretty frustrating and whenever I try to fight it and do something active or try and battle through the negativity, it feels so fake. I'm a guy who used to love going to ball games and having a few drinks with friends, backyard bbqs and hanging out down by the beach. Heading out on boats fishing with friends during the week and watching sporting events. Now? None of these things really matter, although I still do them trying to distract myself. I don't get the same feeling/interest out of any of it though.

Is this just growing up? The lack of interest in stuff that used to be fun? Only caring and interested in work related topics? Working all day and just coming home to lie in bed or on the couch and watch pointless TV shows to consume my evenings/nights so that I can pass ou tand do it all over again?

Like I mentioned in one of my other posts, my last psychologist wants me to see him more then once every 2 weeks and it's just not financially possible for me to do that. I could do it, but it would leave me totally broke. And you know what, I think a big part of my recovery is getting back into a better place financially as well. So I refuse to shell out 160 on visits a month and then also money on meds on top of that. I could always go back to the old psychiatrist I used to see but I quit seeing him 2x already. I would feel like a total idiot walking in there for the 3rd time asking for help. Nobody else is really around this area besides institutions and I don't really want to go an institution for a meeting, I would feel like such an outcast.

Still in this darn rut, trying to stay as positive as possible though. Really and truly don't even recognize the guy in the mirror at all though.