just want to be happy again :(

            I’m not sure where to began, other than to say that I’m at a loss in my life. I’m 20 years old and a mother of a 2 year old little boy is everything to me but lately I just seem to be losing myself and wrecking his life as well. I’ve had problems for years starting back in 8^th grade when I became a bulimic, which I was up until I got pregnant with my son at age 16- while pregnant I stopped but quickly picked up bad habits again right after I had him. Most people use Bulimia as a sense to get skinner but mine has always been more as control. It got really bad when I started my relationship with the guy who “gave me my son” He treated me horribly and made me feel as if I was just trash. When we conceived my son I said “no” he continued-I was raped. However I never said a word to anyone I just let everyone believe what they wanted I did try to tell my parents once but they didn’t believe me and told me I was lying so I just kept it inside. During my pregnancy I was very insecure-shut everyone out didn’t see my friends and just hid. When I was about 6 months in one of my guy friends whom I’d known forever came into my life and completely changed it, we began dating and he was there for the rest of the pregnancy,even in the delivery room and for the first few months he took roll as “dad” and was amazing. However when my son hit 5 months he decided it was to much and he took off and left us, I was completely lost and in a daze I promised my son I would never let anyone in his life again that I didn’t absolutely know would stay there, and I did good for the next 8 months I held my own, yeah I had a few one night stands just looking for someone to be there but I could never trust anyone-never wanted anyone and most importantly NOONE ever met my son. That all changed back in August 2008, I met a man who changed my world he was sweet & amazing (so I thought) he had all the right things to say and could always make me smile-was always right beside me. I opened up and told him about everything and he seemed to understand more than anyone. The first 6 months were perfect and we ended up getting a house together that summer. Everything was great we had the family life I’d always wanted, I loved him-he loved me & most importantly my son loved him, but as time went on he began sketching out, staying away from home-never wanting to talk to me and I was always finding texts from other girls. He always said they were “just friends” and I was always stupid enough to believe him. To keep it kind of short within the next 6 month there’s a few things that happened: One day I came home from work to find everything in our house gone-he had moved back to his mothers without evening telling me. We talked on & off and went threw a lot of hardship (or atleast I  did ) I wanted things to work and I tried my best but time after time I kept getting lead on then dropped and told I wasn’t good enough. Recently I learned that he had cheated on me multiple times the entire time so all my suspensions had been right. Around Christmas time we worked things out-he lived with me again for about 2 months and things were great-my son started calling him daddy (which I wasn’t sure of but no one was telling him to and my bf seemed to of changed so we left it be) but right after Christmas he disappeared again. We argued threw text he would tell me how worthless I am/my son is and that he just felt sorry for me-then blocked me from everything. I didn’t see him for three months. I had finally started to get back on my feet and had actually met someone who was really great then he came back, started texting again said he was sorry that he was wrong-we met a few times and talked and this continued for about a month until I finally gave into my heart and tried again. Everything was great and then he just once again disappeared – that was two months ago I haven’t seen him since. He still tells me I’m worthless and that I “need to grow up” and makes sure to post on FB and tell everyone about all these “new” girls he’s with and how he never loved me or my son. I feel like a failure, all I do is sit and think of these things and cry. I don’t have any friends and even my family is pretty much useless they don’t understand and all they do is critsize me. I just have no one other than my son and sometimes I cant even look at him because I feel I failed him, he still asks for my ex and doesn’t understand that he’s gone. I don’t understand that he is gone, I still keep waiting for that call or text that always comes around and each day that it doesn’t it still hurts. I feel lost and it’s not just him it’s just everything. Everyone around me has these great lives with either tons of friends or bf/gf but I don’t. All my friends are gone, all I do is work-sleep-and lay around I just don’t have the umpth to do anything. I try so hard to be happy-to even pretend I’m happy, but I just cant be L.

Post Edited (IWantToSmileAgain) : 6/3/2011 5:09:22 AM (GMT-6)