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Self Esteem Paradox

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Posted 6/10/2011 1:52 AM (GMT 0)
I am at a strange point in my life and wondering if anyone else with refractory depression at my age (46) has experienced the same. I am deeply spiritual but no longer a church goer. However, I do believe I was created out of a Higher Love and base my day to day purpose on that fact.

I won't go into monotonous details, but I spent the first half of my life serving and loving others and being thankful for that, only to realize that I was in some ways (not all) repeating dysfunctional childhood patterns by choosing men who more or less thought I had to give more to be good enough. I was brought up believing that I didn't measure up and the only way to be good enough was to please my parents at my own expense. I even told my shrink recently that after this long I either get it or I don't. I strongly feel that much of my depression cannot be solved by either medication or increased self love through Spirit.

I have been in counseling and on meds etc for 20 plus years and am extremely aware of the emotional and physiological within me. Throughout I have been advised to love myself - and that by doing so I become a better giver and can possibly attract positive people into my life.

Here's my issue: I DO love myself as much as I am capable and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am ok and loved for me no matter what (in universal/soul terms). It would be nice to feel like what I give is helpful on this planet DESPITE my lack of self confidence. I have rolled this over and over in my mind for way too long and am tired of circular goals I can never meet. Why can't I be ok with who I am and feel like I fit in?

Post Edited (daisychain) : 6/9/2011 7:56:43 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 6/10/2011 2:17 AM (GMT 0)
I know somebody else who was going through this and she decided to check herself into a mission. Have you thought about doing any volunteer work somewhere? There are options out there. Doing good things for others makes us feel good about ourselves. Maybe something like volunteering would be good for you.

Do you ever do nice things for yourself? Maybe buy something nice that you have wanted for awhile??? Get a pedicure or a facial? Or a massage... Or treat yourself to something. There are ways to self nurture and that is probably what your doctor wants you to do. If you have spent all your time helping others who didn't appreciate it, it is going to take a toll on you. I was always a caregiver. Now I can barely take care of me. But I try not to feel guilty about this. It is due to my conditions.

I hope that you can sort things out and that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 6/10/2011 2:25 AM (GMT 0)
You very likely will be happy, Daisychain, when you select healthy people as friends. That sounds to me as though that's the only thing you really need. You have a strong faith, you like and love yourself, you need people (and they need you, too, you know). Just make sure that the people you choose as friends are genuinely healthy. The fact that you love yourself means that you are capable of loving others.

It takes time to build really lasting friendships, although a few people are blessed with meeting good friends immediately. I rather think it's
more desirable to have a few good friends than a lot of acquaintances who may or may not be real friends.

Look for people who enjoy the same things you enjoy: bridge-playing,
sewing, knitting, tennis, golf, religious views, dancing, etc., etc., You
might be drawn to some very nice people in the areas of your interests.

There are some genuinely nice people in many churches who would
like to know you. That's a start, and since you're a religious person,
you might wish to join a class there and get into your interests at that point which seems to be very strong in you.

Good wishes in your getting to know good people.

It's Genetic
Posted 6/11/2011 12:31 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you. I pretty much gave up on building friendships and helping others few years ago. I have one good friend and I hang on to her for dear life. I feel a lot of guilt for not giving and volunteering anymore. I did it for so long and got so hurt by it - not because I'm a good person, but because I'm just my insufficient self. And during that whole scene I was told I was selfish because I was giving in order to receive i.e. - I can't win for losing. Church is not for me - I tried that for years and the guilt and judgement were more than I could take. I think I was just feeling sorry for myself when I posted yesterday and I apologize for that. I don't think I can volunteer because I can't promise that depression won't make me break the commitments I might make to helping others. It sucks. So here I am, letting it all hang out - wishing I was something I probably will never be. My faith is all that gets me through this junk because I have this dream that in the end I am not judged in the same way that the world judges me.
Posted 6/11/2011 1:41 AM (GMT 0)
Im really sorry for whatever ur going through. U mentioned that ur spiritual. Will u like to tell me ur beliefs! What do u believe in? I want to know if u'll be kind enough to share.
Plus ur a very kind person. Im not very spiritual but i believe there is God. I believe in Him a lot. I pray to him too. Trust me, He has promised that if u do good to others, U'll be granted in return if not soon then later in life. But u'll be given a lot. So much that u wont ask for more. There is a quote that I believe in and it gives me strength to move on, i'll like to share it with u.

"Do good and Allah(God) will instill love for you in the hearts of the believers."

I believe it has the answer! If u care so much for humanity then ur very superior to God! He will answer ur prayers. Just pray to him and share ur worries with him. he will reply to u!
I hope u recover soon! I'll pray for u! :) God bless u!
Posted 6/11/2011 2:01 AM (GMT 0)
I am sorry that you can't talk about religion on this forum. Per forum rules...

No posts of an overtly political or religious nature OR posts promoting advocacy of particular personal, medical, legal, religious, political, or non-profit causes. The forums are intended for offering mutual personal support. Debating controversial subjects should be taken elsewhere. Limited religious references are allowed (ie. "my prayers are with you" or a brief quote as part of a larger post), but the forums should not be used to convert others.

Thanks for understanding in this matter.  Just so you know, I do believe.  But we can't discuss it here...


Hugs, Karen

Posted 6/11/2011 11:53 AM (GMT 0)
sending healing compassionate thoughts your way daisychain. jamie.
Posted 6/11/2011 5:01 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you, jamiee. I feel like I've hit a brick wall in terms of my depression. I've been on just about every med there is except a few of the ones to treat bipolar as my shrink doesn't think I am bipolar. The next step in my treatment is some sort of electric shock thing - I can't remember what it's called. A friend of mine told me her mom had that done and it really messed her up, so I am scared to go in that direction. Does anyone have a positive experience with that type of treatment?

It's like I went from being social to being very withdrawn except for when I'm at work of course. I'm just glad I dont' struggle so much to act social at work. It's like I see all these possibilities of how to live a richer life - things I would like to do - but I know in the end I probably won't do it due to depression. For me - self limiting beliefs are a core part of my depression and something I have to fight against; but the older I get the more tired I get of fighting. It's like I've been there and done that and I'm worn out.

So when you know you can only get so far through meds and counseling, what do you do with the rest of the things you know you can't fix inside? Knowing I have depression and it won't go away is depressing - I almost laugh because it sounds so silly.
Posted 6/11/2011 6:32 PM (GMT 0)
DaisyChain,

Jamie has had ECT and can tell you all about it. It works for some. I understand it can cause you to lose a little of your memory, but not a lot of it. I hope that this works for you. I am so sorry that your depression seems to be treatment resistant.

Don't worry about getting older. We actually get wiser. And can see things very clearly. You will experience this and find it is an advantage. Though I am sorry that you are getting tired of fighting. Don't give up Daisy. Keep moving forward one step at a time.

Hugs, Karen
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