hi this is my first entry into this website. I am a little nervous talking about myself because writing about it only helps me realize that the stuff that happened did in fact happen. I am 19 years old , female, live in the USA , am overweight and lead a very confusing life . A little background, when I was six I was sexually abused by my adopted uncle, and since then I have changed. I had always been chunky, but after this abuse I began to have anxiety and started overeating. In school i was bullied to the extremes , it was the most horrible time of my life . My cousin who used to be my best friend moved to another country and I became even more lonely. I had no friends, the only friend I had was my maid at home, who never judged me for my weight. Because of the horrible treatment from my classmates, I was never able to feel comfortable around people, and became very socially awkward , and always had a tough time finding friends. By the time i was 12 I learned to accept that the reason why I didn't have any friends and was a complete failure was because I was fat. Did I stop eating? no , I overate. The more I was criticized about my weight the more I ate. I was this insecure person who became really agressive with my parents. I began to develop anger towards my parents, subconsciously hating on my dad because he was a man. I then began wearing boys clothes, and hiding my body because one, I was fat, and two , i did not want to attract any kind of attention from boys. My mom put me in therapy for a while, but I was such a closed book that all we did was play games and I focused on trying to win the game instead of talking about my feelings. I didn't realize why I was put into therapy until now, for my mom knew what had happened to me . Fast forward to 5 years later, I had discovered through my doctor that I might suffer from panic attacks. not knowing what that was, I searched it up on the computer for the causes of it . All of the possible effects were not my case except for sexual abuse. i quickly scanned through my past and realized that what my uncle did to me was in fact sexual abuse. that was two years ago , and now I am in college, have lost a bit of weight, have a little more confidence, but still feel as though my life is as empty and meaningless as dirt. My aunt and grandmother suffer from depression, and now it got me thinking , do I suffer from depression? I seem to show all the symptoms. Looking at them , one can say that I am just a woman , and women tend to be insecure and very down on themselves. But what is it? I honestly dont know what other women have, if the number of people with depression is very high and I am just overreacting. I know image is very important to women more so than to men ( generalizing of course) and I realize that it is flaw in society about how a woman should be in order to feel loved. Yet, I still feel the pressure. I know I must lose weight because of my health, but I cant help but imagine the more friends I will get after I lose weight or the happier i will be. Anyways, my life is a mess, I am very confused and don't know what to think. I must also add that I have ADD that I got from father , and often my thoughts go all around the place. I don't know what to think because I am thinking about various things at the same time. One good note to me though is that, while I have an unhealthy relationship with food, I never use alcohol or drugs. I am very proud of that. I know am able to socialize better , but I wish I could better skills at gatherings. I am known to be very funny when with friends, and am constantly making fun of myself to make others laugh. But deep inside, I don't know if I am that giggly .People tell me I have a beautiful smile but in pictures it always comes out fake as if I didnt want to be there. I am always thinking about what others are saying about me , that is my worst fear, judgment. I get umcomfortable, distracted , angry when I feel someone is talking about me and automatically shut off. I am horrible at comfrontations. My mom always told me to stick up for myself but I never know what to say to the person. Back when I was bullied I used to bend over backwards to please others, thinking that would make a good friend. On the outside, i put on a facade that I am strong , funny and don't care , but on the inside it hurts . I also don't have a good relationship with my father. He is a wonderful man, hardworking, nice, responsible, but like me, is very much a closed book. I thought he was just a man's man but my mom told me recently he was also sexually abused as a child by his cousin. I dont remember him during my childhood, because he was always working and always very distracted. I have seen him cry only once or twice. Though he is a nice man, he is also very angry and impatient with my mom and I , always angry when my mom tries to discuss business with him. I must also say that from may 2010 until november of 2010 I was in therapy and we were able to discuss about the abuse a little bit , but not enough. TO be honest, I know that therapists are under oath when they swear, but my trust issues get on the way of me trusting the person to tell someone else. I apologize in advance for the length of this and how confusing it may be. Heck its confusing to me imagine to you . Any thoughts or questions i would be glad to answer. Thank you so much for reading this and I sincerely hope that this site will be beneficial to me and to all others who seek help.