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I dont know what to do anymore

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Posted 7/9/2011 4:00 AM (GMT 0)
Im new to therapy and i feel like at the moment i need someone to talk to. so i thought that i would start here. the reason i feel like i need someone to talk to is because i give my boyfriend alot of crap for going out to the bars with his friends. hes lied to me in the past and i dont know if its just a grude im holding along with not having trust but its becoming a big issue in our relationship. he is 29 and i am 20. i am not old enough to go out with him and even though i want to i dont. sometimes i feel like he doesnt want me there and other times i feel like just laying in bed and crying and not doing anything. i also dont like the one friend that he hangs out with. hes got a girlfriend and three kids at home and is out at bars scoping girls to bring somewhere for the night. i dont want my boyfriend to do that and im always wondering and worrying that hes cheating on me. i guess im just wondering how to get over the feeling that he does want me there and that hes not going to cheat on me.
Posted 7/9/2011 1:14 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Sweetgal22491,

Welcome to the forum. I am glad that you have joined us. Soon you will be able to go to the bars with your boyfriend. Not that it is fun, to me it is depressing at times because it is so dark. But I have spent my fair share of time there in the past. It mostly brought me trouble. But I could be an angry drunk too. lol... I don't drink anymore, but that was over 30 years ago. I am sure it hasn't changed much though.

I am sure this is depressing you, especially if you aren't sure if you trust him or not. It is hard to say what he is doing when you aren't there. And I guess it all has to do with how much trust you have in him while he is at the bar. We do do things we don't normally do when we drink, but that doesn't mean he is doing anything wrong. And until you have some evidence, don't accuse him of anything.

I feel bad about the other guys girlfriend. He could bring her home an std or something. But try to trust him as much as you can. Do keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/9/2011 3:29 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks that does help z little but he does get dumb when he drinks and it's upsetting me. Like last night he came home and a girl I've never met but hear about texted him and said goodnight with a smiley and said I just got home. It makes me feel like he lied and met her out. And he always says she married. She has kids. But to me that doesn't matter cuz he used to talk to this girl that had a boyfriend. So I always think back to that when I see he's talking to a girl. He thinks it's unfair but I think it's still hurting me because he's lied to me in the past recently and I bring it up when we argue. And I don't like when he goes out because I have to deal with him when he gets home and he's a mean person when he's drunk. But never apologizes for the things he's said. I think theres a lot of hurt from my past I'm holding on to and it's making it tough but his actions aren't helping either. The other reason I say that they went out together is because when he got that message he wouldn't check his messages. And he has a lock on his phone so I finally got him to open it and found that. I just think he's doing more than what shows.
Posted 7/9/2011 4:35 PM (GMT 0)
It sounds like you have a reason not to trust. And I would be suspiscious too. I don't want to put doubt in your mind. But if he is hiding the text message, that doesn't sound too good. I hope that things work out for you and that you have a friend that you can talk to about this also. It is hard to keep it all in when it is bothering you. Feel free to post more. I know how it is to have somebody coming home drunk too, it isn't any fun.

Take care my friend.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/10/2011 12:55 AM (GMT 0)
Yes I do and he fails to see why I don't trust him even though he should. Just the secrecy and lies makes it hard to trust and the lock on his phone doesn't help either..at this point idk what to do anymore. Like days like today cry all day and some of I dont even know why. But it's so draining.
Posted 7/10/2011 1:04 AM (GMT 0)
Maybe you need some "me" time just to think. If you two can't talk about these things, there isn't openness in your relationship. He shouldn't be hiding things from you. How does he act when you bring it up? Have you met this girl? Just curious...

I hope that things work out for you. I hope that he isn't cheating on you. Let us know what is going on.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/10/2011 1:35 AM (GMT 0)
I try to have my own time..I go home which is about an hr away to see my mom. And your right we don't have openness and it bothers me. He says he feels like he shouldn't have to tell me everything that goes on. Or who he's texting all the time cuz I ask every time. Last night he was drunk and very mean when I brought it up but we talked today and he said he sees how it looks bad but that there really was nothing going on. And no I have not met this girl. He says she knows about me cuz of him and I believe that but she's friends with a girl he met from the fish store that I don't trust. That's a whole nother story. The one girl from the fish store is friends with the girl that texted him last night. Idk how he met the girl that was texting him tho. And the first time he lied to me was with the other girl from the fish store. She had a boyfriend but she always texted him inappropriate things and he would back to her. So I don't trust either one of these girls..
Posted 7/10/2011 2:59 PM (GMT 0)
If he is going to keep all this from you, I would rethink this relationship. He shouldn't have secrets. If it is innocent, then he should have nothing to hide. Maybe he just likes all the attention, I don't know, but it sounds like he puts you on the back burner. And that shouldn't be. Do you ever go to the bar with him and just drink coke? Or do you even like bars, I don't myself. They are depressing to me.

I hope that you get this sorted out. I just don't like what is going on with this secret texts. But you have to decide whether or not you are going to persue this matter. Is it worth it? That is the question.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/10/2011 7:47 PM (GMT 0)
That's the thing. I tell him that I'm not doing it anymore and that he needs to stop if he wants me to be with him. We've been together for 2 yrs now and I told him we shouldn't have secrets. Ik he really loves me and wouldn't cheatvbut at the same time just to have him feeling like he's hiding things hurts. I don't want to break up but i don't know how to handle it anymore. And I ask him if he's cheating and he says he can't take all the assuming and me wondering all the time.
Posted 7/10/2011 10:51 PM (GMT 0)
I went through that with my first husband. And to look back on it now, I see my assumptions were right. But at the time he made me feel like I was crazy. So I told myself this. If it is meant to be it will. And I quit being jealous and I quit assuming he was cheating. And just went on like things were normal. And I did that for 23 years. Do I have any regrets? No. I loved him no matter what. But I did end up having surgery on my cervix from std's, twice. And had another std after that. And I still stuck with him. So it is really your choice. You can choose to over look the texts. And the bars. But maybe when you turn 21 you will go with him. And you can choose not to be jealous. Jealousy will eat you alive. It is a horrible feeling. And it can cause rage within you. So like I say, it is up to you. It all depends on whether you love him enough to over look the things that make you question him.

My first husband would never let me see his wallet. But he would go through my purse. I hated that. He didn't trust me because he was guilty of cheating. My husband now has no secrets (that I know of) and he is open and honest with me. We have a wonderful relationship.

I hope that it works out for you. Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/11/2011 12:26 AM (GMT 0)
He never goes theough my stuff and says he doesn't cuz he trusts me. I got hpv from my first boyfriend and stillvhave toffee checked for it. I also got Chlamydia while dating him and I still to this day don't know if it's from him or a previous person that I was with because he had broken up for 8 months and was with someone else. I haven't gotten anything else tho while I've been with the guy I am with now. I try not to be jelous but it doesn't work sometimes. Especially when he talks to other girls. And I try to look over them but like you said I just feel like if I do then the stuff I've been nagging about is actually true. So I don't know. When things are good their great. When I or we get into arguments it goes for weeks at a time. Not even about the same thing. Just everything.
Posted 7/11/2011 1:46 AM (GMT 0)
Just keep telling yourself that you don't care if he talks to girls and stuff. You will get a grip on your feelings. It just takes practice. It doesn't happen over night. Before you know it you wont be bothered by it. Know that you are his girlfriend, nobody else. Some girls like to make other girls feel insecure especially if they have a boyfriend. This could be a part of it. They like to break them up. Just keep your relationship strong. I believe that you will get through this. Keep trying to keep your cool. And don't let these things bother you. You will know if something is going on. It is women's intuition. We all have it.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/11/2011 2:06 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you. I'm going to try. It's just hard with the LCMs on his phone. I
Don't know how to get passed that. We have a strong relationship if I'm not upset or asking if he's cheating.
Posted 7/11/2011 2:40 AM (GMT 0)
The locks I meant*
Posted 7/11/2011 3:02 AM (GMT 0)
What do you expect to find if there were no locks on the phone? Why is it so important for you to know who he has talked to or texted? Is there anyway that you can get past that? Because if you don't, it will be a constant battle with the two of you. Do you think that seeing them is going to find the truth? Because it may just bring more questions or heartache. Or nothing at all. Some things we just have to let float by us. If you are meant to know, you will...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/11/2011 3:32 AM (GMT 0)
I really don't know if I'm looking for anything. I think if I'm watching or asking who he's talking to and texting I can monitor that he's not cheating or doing anything wrong. Or if I do find something I guess just evidence that somethings going on. But that would hurt too. That happened once before when he was talking to the girl from the fish store. Ever since then ive watched his every move. Even tho they don't talk anymore. How should I get myself to stop this if you think it is unnecessary to check out everything he does on his phone?
Posted 7/11/2011 3:36 PM (GMT 0)
I guess you just stop yourself. Ignore it. That is what I did. I always gave the benifit of a doubt to him. But often (I found out later) I was right in suspecting. It just depends how much you are going to put up with in the relationship. If you want to over look the phone, that is what you do. but if it is bothering you, it is going to be hard to overlook. It tiakes practice, but I feel like I am telling you to play dumb. That was my coping method of staying with the man I loved at that time. I really don't have that much regrets, but the husband I have now treats me much better. My first husband died of lung cancer. So in the end, I had the control of our relationship. The shoe was on the other foot. But that is just how it worked out. I was good to him. I took care of him while he was sick. And I held his hand when he died. So I fullfilled my duties in my mind. How much do you want this relationship? You will find a way. I played the naive wife part for many years. Now I am free from that. Is it worth it? I can't tell you how to cope. That is up to you. I know you love this guy. Don't let him hurt you though...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/13/2011 1:32 AM (GMT 0)
I guess it's just gonna take some practice to ignore it. I'm trying. Am I wrong to ask who he's testing or where he is all the time? I work from 930 am to 6 or 7 pm everyday but sunday. So I'm never with him unless I have the day off. Is it wrong I ask where he is? Also he feels like living with me should show he wants to be with me. But I don't agree cuz I've lived with someone before and he still managed to cheat. So is it my past making me this way? I don't think that is so much to ask for do you? How do I make him see that I'm really not crazy because I don't believe I'm asking for too much..
Posted 7/13/2011 1:17 PM (GMT 0)
Make it go your way. Take control of the situation. Tell him that if he moves in with you, no secrets. Is he working? Or do you pay all the bills? It is okay to ask where he is and who he is texting, but he is probably going to say that you are nagging him. And yes, your past can cause you to not trust. I feel for you though because I know how it feels to feel cheated on and not to be able to trust your partner. You need open communication or else it isn't going to keep you happy.

You don't have to prove that you aren't crazy. Just make it your rule, or he doesn't move in. Tell him straight out that you aren't going to put up with lies and secrets. Take control if you can. It is your life and you don't have to put up with lies and deceipt if you don't want to.

Best of luck with this situation. IF he isn't working, I wouldn't move him in. Are you supporting him? I hope not.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/13/2011 5:34 PM (GMT 0)
We already live together. And yes he works. But that's why I'm so annoyed with the texting all the time. Cuz when I'm not working and he gets home from work it's not asking me how I'm doing or spending time with me it's straight to the phone till we go to bed...it's annoying.
Posted 7/13/2011 8:32 PM (GMT 0)
To me that is childish, though I know everybody does it. But in my opinion, he should be communicating with you some. Not every moment, but not just at bedtime either. It is annoying and it is rude. But nobody is perfect. I guess. I know you love him, but you are tolerating a lot. Especially if he is texting a woman. But at least he isn't spending time in person with her. IDK... But I keep myself pretty busy and when my husband is doing other things, I really don't miss him. But we are older too. I am just so used to being by myself. Doing my own thing I guess. I know I am no help because I don't have the answers. I guess it is all in how much you are going to put up with. When you turn 21, things are going to change. So maybe you should hang on until then. Then see what happens. I imagine that you may go out with him then.

I hope that things work out for you. You seem like such a nice person. And you are very kind and understanding. Keep posting. Let us know how things go.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/13/2011 10:36 PM (GMT 0)
It hurts because I work with people all day and sometimes we know how that can get. I have a lot to talk about but he never wants to listen. And I do feel like I'm putting up with a lot and the question I keep coming to is why? Why am I doing this and making myself miserable? Sometimes I don't get it. And this to me doesn't feel like love all the time. Perfect example of why I hate when he goes out too. Tonight. I just worked from 930 am to 6 pm. We don't do enough out of the house together so we agreed on dinner and possibly a movie tonight. I call him to feed the dogs and he's out with a guy friend. Ok. Fine. I don't mind but I was like I will be home at 6:10. Please be there so we can go. It is now 6:42 and he still isn't home. So much for a night out together. And this is the only reason I hate when he goes out. Because he can never keep his word on when he will be home. Of course he agreed to be here at 6:10 but never ends up being on time. This is why I feel like I'm on the back burner and why I'm so hurt.
Posted 7/13/2011 11:14 PM (GMT 0)
I would just make plans with yourself if that is the way he is going to be. He has no respect for your feelings. I would be disappointed too. It is up to you how much you are going to tolerate. He is acting selfish. Maybe that is his nature. I guess he just isn't showing you that he cares. I am sorry to hear this. Men are men though. And when somebody is drinking with his buddies, they don't think about the woman at home. They thing about themselves. Get talking and are out all night. I hope that he shows up at a decent time. Until then I would enjoy the movie and dinner by myself, but that is me. I guess I just don't care. But I am a lot older than you probably and I am content with just me. My husband does his thing and I do mine. You do later on in life.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 7/13/2011 11:34 PM (GMT 0)
I would but I dont feel like crying out in public alone. I'm just so sad. I feel like leaving him but at the same time I don't know if I can. I just don't get how to show hi. That he's hurting me and that he really doesn't care even though he thinks he does. I don't see it and neither sickened people. I just really don't know what to anymore.
Posted 7/14/2011 1:55 AM (GMT 0)
It sounds like this is really getting to you. I wish you could take a step back and see this objectively. I really think you would benefit from seeing a counselor to help you sort these things out. Get your feelings straight.

I take it that he hasn't come home yet. If not, I am sorry. I know that this hurts you. But with counseling you would learn to be happy with or without him. You would learn to be happy by yourself. Do you have any girlfriends that you could talk to? I think it would do you good. You don't have to necessarily talk about what is going on, maybe something else to get this off of your mind.

I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen
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