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i cant cope with my new engagement,

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Posted 8/4/2011 3:53 PM (GMT 0)
I got engaged about 3 weeks ago. Things arent going so great. I feel like i walk on eggshells with her all the time. She is mean, rude, and generally treats me poorly, there is soo much more to this, but, im feeling  because of it. Im at work, and just dont really want to function at all. I found out she has an alcohol problem, which explains why she blacks out after like one drink, she always calls me a liar for telling her what she did when she drank and it hurts me alot. A woman i love and have given my life to, the first woman i have ever told i love.. my thoughts are fleeting right now, i recognize that, but im finding hard to want to exist.

I am sorry, but we can't discuss suicide on this forum, so I had to edit your post.  Hugs, Karen

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 8/4/2011 5:36:54 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/4/2011 4:24 PM (GMT 0)
i dont think i mentioned, she has blacked out, thrown money at me, and her phone... i dont know how to deal :(
Posted 8/4/2011 5:40 PM (GMT 0)
David, I am not the moderator of this forum but I do know that thoughts of suicide are not allowed here. So please do not make such comments. I have read you post several times. This girl is treating you terribly and I assume she has for some time. My question is why do you want to be with a person who behaves this way? In addition to all the bad things she does to you, you are saying that she has problems with alcohol. Blacking out from drinking is extremely serious and one does not black out from one drink. Is it possible she takes meds or drugs in addition to the drinking? A person who blacks out would be considered an alcoholic.  You just got engaged to her, why?

She is going to need some intensive help if she is going to get better and become a kind and loving person that you would want to marry. Marriage is not going to change her so don't think that once you are married things will be different. They will only get worse.

You may love her but right now she is toxic for you. Why do you put up with such behavior? How did she manage to get you to put a ring on her? You have a lot of questions to ask yourself. Don't consider marriage at this point. You need to find out why she behaves the way she does. This is an abusive relationship. I would run the other way. Love is not going to help you and if she loves you why would she treat you so badly?

Also, I wonder how old both of you are. Don't do anything in haste that you will have to regret for years. It is easier to break an engagement than to get out of a marriage. I know this probably sounds harsh to you but I am seeing your situation from a neutral point of view.

Please write more and give us more information. We may be able to help you in a better way if you tell everything that is going on.

Aurora

Posted 8/4/2011 5:50 PM (GMT 0)
she was a domestice violence victim about 5 years ago. He would hit her, kick her, emotionally abuse her. she also has a 15 yr old daughter. I am 30, she is 31. She used alcohol to deal with her problems. Her homelife when she was younger, she was exposed to a mother who would bring many different men arond her and her sisters.
me, a dv victim as well, two times, once when i was 18 and another when i was 27. She doesnt take meds, at least that i know. she is a masters of social work therapist, meaning she has people come and talk to her about there problems.

Everything happened soo fast, the first woman i told i love... she is insecure, jealous and seems to take joy out of pointing out faults in other people. why i love her?, she has a good heart, but there is only so much i can do till i feel like i cant just walk away. I feel like she is toxic to me but i dont have the strength to deal with that
Posted 8/4/2011 7:09 PM (GMT 0)
Hi David,

I understand now what is going on in your relationship. Domestic violence can wreak havoc on people's lives. But what she is doing to you is not right. It is not the way to treat a person you love and want to marry. I am assuming she wants to get married too. Not only do you have yourself to worry about there is a 15 yr old daughter to worry about. Teens are very impressionable. What must she think about her mother's behavior? I think you have a lot to work out before you can make a full committment to this woman. I see a therapist myself and I would be mortified if I new my therapist was an alcoholic, blacking out and treating her fiance with disdain and rudeness.  I have trouble understanding how she can cousel others when she herself needs help.

You say she is the first woman you have loved. You are only 30 yrs. old. She may not be the one for you. I think you both need counseling to deal with the domestic violence and other issues you both have. Jealousy should not be a factor when two people truly love each other. I believe your thinking is clouded by so much you say is happening so fast. I would suggest you find a counselor to talk to without her and get some perspective on what is going on. You are in a very toxic situation and it is not going to get better. And please understand without help your lives will only get worse. You need to take a step back, look seriously at where you are and find someone who can rationally talk to you about all of this. And you need to confess to all that is happening between the two of you.

This should be a happy time in your life not one of such stress and discord.

Please write again. Get some couseling and look at this as a neutral person would. I don't want to see you so distraught, not knowing where to turn.

Aurora

Posted 8/4/2011 11:46 PM (GMT 0)
Hi David,

I am sorry that I had to edit your post but we aren't allowed to discuss suicide on this forum. You know, Aurora took the words right out of my mouth. I was going to suggest that you step back from this situation and take a breather. The two of you do sound toxic to eachother. And yes, counseling would be the best thing for both of you, as a couple or individual.

She really is in a bad place right now. And the blacking out is bad, as Aurora stated. It does sound like she may be mixing medications with the alcohol or else she is at a really bad stage of alcoholism. She is not well David, and if you continue to stay engaged or get married, it is going to be difficult for you. Coming here shows that you care and are really trying hard, but there are some things, we as humans just can't fix. She has to do this herself. Encourage her if you can. But take care of you. I think counseling would give you another perspective on this and you will see how truly much this is hurting you. Take care of you.

Hugs, Karen
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