Hey, this is Blake from Austin. It's my first time here. I don't really know if what I have is typical of
depression, but I've been feeling a really overpowering sadness throughout every inch of my body for the past month or so, and though I do know why this is happening, I am not sure how to stop it or if I even want it to stop.
I mean it when I say "my body," because it feels like ... you know the feeling you get in your stomach when you're a kid, recital night and someone's playing jump rope down there ("butterflies" never quite did it for me; they're such gentle creatures, though perhaps the fluttering of wings ...) and it's almost pleasant because it's new and kind of sticks your body in place like a paralysis? comforting in the way getting tucked in is, at a friend's house, or a hug from a close cousin ...
Well I guess that's what my whole body feels like, from head to toe; as though I'm being shaken like a martini and there's all this tension building up that can't go anywhere except back inside me. It's poison, but it's addictive, because it makes me feel special and alone (left alone?) in a way that nothing else can. Embraced by a sadness all my own, like a diary tattooed on my insides.
Maybe I'm not familiar with what depression is anymore, but I think it can feel this way. What I mean is, is there part of you that's supposed to "like" the feeling of being trapped and trampled from the inside by skipping ghosts? Isn't that a bit ... weird?
I like the feeling, but I also want it to be gone gone gone; not because the martini's making my mouth dry (i like it) and not because of the confining feeling under the covers of my own body (I like that, too) ... but because I know that it will get worse and worse, and penetrate my limbs to the point of immobility -- don't even wanna think about
it -- all because I'm recovering from the loss of someone who I never knew except in my own head. She's moved to St. Croix, believe it or not. Didn't even know where that was until I checked my sister's globe :) No lie.
Incidentally, the other St. who's been of use to me in the past is named John. Though I want to keep this feeling for a while -- it's my healing time -- maybe it'll be of use to some others out there who have gone past the point of painful/pleasant sadness: If you're like me, you trust flowers, plants and trees more than you trust old Doogie ;)
Sorry for the rambling; I will be more coherent in a later post. Thanks for listening, y'all :)
I removed your link because it is selling something.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 8/4/2011 6:19:05 PM (GMT-6)