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Posted 8/9/2011 11:18 AM (GMT 0)
Hi,
25th Aug 2010 I went to the hospital for my first scan of my baby. I was told there was no heartbeat. I had to have the most heartbreaking operation the next day.
After I came off the painkillers and sleeping tablets a couple of week later I went back to work and got on with day to day like 'normal' The docs offered me anti-deps and counselling but i refused telling everyone that i was ok.

A few months ago I erupted.

I have not slept properly in months, i'm tense when i leave the house, i cry a lot and more. But the worse thing i that i reply the 25th and 26th August 2010 in my head over and over and over. It's the first thing i think of when i wake up and i fall to sleep thinking about it too.

I now see a counsellor and take meds but life is still crap, i've even thought about .
My counsellor is going on holiday for 2 weeks and i don't know what im going to do without our sessions.

I hate myself and will forever blame myself for what happened.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 8/9/2011 3:30:58 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/9/2011 12:31 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome to the forum x_babe-x, I understand your grief completely and have great compassion for you; I ask you, though, genuinely to try to realize that you are not responsible for a failure in nature. One in every 10 pregnancies ends in miscarriage and it is not the fault of the parents in any way.

I was a distant acquaintance of a lady who gave birth to her little daughter who was beautiful, but the child had no conscious brain; still she continued to mature as an almost angelic figure simply lying on the couch unaware of everything in life. Her mother was desparately trying to insure that she was groomed and dressed in a lovely small print dress for greeting company.

You must try somehow to remember that in all things that we try to endure it is always possible that things could have been worse. I know that it doesn't help your grief now, but as time goes on, your pain will assuage and you will assimilate all of this into your life. Your love will be full again, believe me, and you may go on the next time to have an adorable little one in your arms.

The drive to have a child is innate in most women, so please try again if you wish to have fulfillment in your life. Take this one day at a time until things begin to turn around for you.

My love to you,

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 8/13/2011 8:06:03 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/9/2011 12:52 PM (GMT 0)
It's Genetic,

im sure you mean well but i hate to tell you that you have actually made me feel worse.
So what you're saying is that for me to have fulfilment in my life i need to try for another baby. Or maybe i should just stop being upset as clearly i have no right because there is always someone worse off than me.
I don't want another baby, i want the one i should have had. i feel cheated. i see other women who smoke and drink throughout pregnancy who have children and yet when i do everything right mine gets taken away from me.
Posted 8/9/2011 1:02 PM (GMT 0)
It's the depression, I think, x_acebab-x. I hope you understand that I meant in no way to make your depression worse; I have lived through it and know how painful it is. I lost a child myself years ago. I really hope you feel better soon with the help of your good psychiatrist and proper medications to help you through this.  In time you will be able to sublimate this tragedy in your life; the grief is so intense right now that it would be extraordinarily difficult to do that, but you will in time and go on to have

a happy life.  Please try to direct your thinking toward a future of peace

which will come with the care of your good psychiatrist and medications.

Keep posting, please; others will be along to assist you with your feelings very soon, I feel sure.

Take care.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 8/9/2011 8:06:04 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/9/2011 9:39 PM (GMT 0)
Did you seek out any grief counseling after the loss of your child? It might still help you. These guys are right, you have to deal with this and then try to go on. I know you want your child back. But that isn't possible. And I am sorry for that. Nobody should have to go through what you went through. And you have to stop blaming yourself. You did nothing wrong. Sometimes these things just happen. It is unfair. But there is a reason for everything and one day you will find it. Do keep posting, it is good to get these things off of your chest. It makes us feel better in some small way.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/10/2011 6:17 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks everyone for your replies.
Had another session with my counsellor today and even though I knew he was going on holiday, I didn't realise how long he would be away for. He won't be able to see me until 8th September! I need him before then, I need someone for the anniversary of it all on 25th August. Even my doctor is on holiday for that week.

Why am I being abandoned like this? I know i can post on here and there are helplines I can call but my doctor and my counsellor know everything from the start and i'd I hate to have to explain it all over again every time I spoke to someone.

:-(
Posted 8/10/2011 6:57 PM (GMT 0)
I am sure that they aren't intentionally abandoning you. Know that you have us to fall back on. You will get through this and we will help you. Try to take it one day at a time. Try not to project how you are going to feel on any particular day. Good things could happen that might even surprise you for the best.

It sounds like you have a little anxiety too. I wonder if you should be taking something for that. Or are you already?

Know that we will be here for you on the 25th and that we will help you through this. I am going to give you a couple of free sites that might help you some.

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

http://ecouch.anu.edu.au/welcome

A lot of them members really like moodgym. I have never used it but I heard that both of these sites have been useful. I hope that you check them out and I hope that they help you.

Again, I am truly sorry for your loss. And I hope we can help you through this difficult time. Try to think positive and come and visit us when you feel the need. Or even just to talk.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/10/2011 10:34 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks again for the support. I just wish i had someone i could talk to, someone who would be there when my counsellor isn't. Is there anything available on skype or msn or something? i'm in the uk and don't feel comfortable leaving the house unless it's urgent at the min

Thank you
Posted 8/10/2011 10:42 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry you're having such difficulty. I understand that some people
find journalling helpful to get out the pain.

Are you eating or drinking anything that has caffeine in it? That will
make depression worse.

We will try to help repeatedly as we can.

It's Genetic
Posted 8/10/2011 11:19 PM (GMT 0)
Hi It's Genetic
I have the odd cup of tea but it's easier for me to have a large bottle of water next me as i can't be bothered to keep going to the kitchen. I'm not really eating much, my appetite has gone completely and if i do feel hungry i can't eat a lot as it makes me feel sick. I tried writing down my feelings but couldn't concentrate on it, it even takes me a long time to post replies on here and i end up getting angry and frustrated with myself.
Please don't tell me to eat more, i am trying but i'm just so tense all of the time that it really does make me feel ill. My doctor want to increase the dosage of my anti-depressants the next time we meet i just have to finish the ones i'm on now.

Ace
Posted 8/11/2011 4:46 AM (GMT 0)
Good to hear you are able to manage a little better; you sound much better. I hope it
continues and that you get in to see a psychiatrist when he gets back from vacation.

Please keep updating everyone here when
you feel you need to.

I.G.
Posted 8/11/2011 6:33 PM (GMT 0)
WHAT A DAY!!! honestly why on earth do i bother!

The mental health team phoned me today but my mobile lost signal as i answered so i phoned them straight back and they told me the guy that had tried to phone me, one of the managers, had now left the building and he wouldn't pick up the message to phone me again until tomorrow!

I had phoned him straight back! how could he have left so quickly???

I need to know now what is going to be happening, i have spent the day feeling so tense and full of panic. I even phoned the NHS and they were dismissive of my situation telling me "but you should feel positive, they did phone you after all" The whole thing is pushing me towards breakdown, i can feel it. I practically shake.
I'm just here crying, scared of feeling things i don't want to feel again why won't they listen/
Posted 8/11/2011 7:00 PM (GMT 0)
Try to have faith that you will reach him tomorrow. I hate when things like that happen. Sounds like he was in a hurry to leave... Maybe it was at the end of his day and he was going somewhere. But he should have tried to reach you again if you were cut off. But he didn't so you learn to deal with what you got. And that is a phone call tomorrow.

Try to relax. I know it is hard. Do you do any meditation? That would calm you right now. Or a nice brisk walk. That clears our minds and is good for our bodies too. Do whatever you can to try and relax and take this one day at a time. I truly hope that you feel better soon.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/11/2011 7:36 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen.

I do take medication, I take Citalopram, 20mg, but my doctor wants to increase the amount to 40mg the next time we meet. They are not working, they don't calm me or take the edge off. I can't go for a walk as I panic too much when I'm out. I'm also finding that the more i get worked up the harder I find it to catch my breath, i've read that this could be the start of a panic attack but i don't know. It only lasts for a few minutes so i'm not sure. It's still pretty scary though.
When I panic though, usually about the 25th/26th Aug, I don't know how to calm myself down I can be like that for ages and not know what to do. Do you have any suggestions, i'm so desperate that i'm open to anything

From Vicky
Posted 8/11/2011 8:04 PM (GMT 0)
It is all in the breathing. In through the nose and out through the mouth. They call it smelling the roses and blowing out the candles. I didn't say medication, I said meditation. I suggest you try it. If you are having panic attacks it will help you. Look it up on the internet and see what information you can get on it. It calms the mind and body. It will help you to practice. And when you feel a panic attack coming on put up a mental stop sign. Tell youself it is just panic and I can overcome this. It can be scarey. If you are having a lot of trouble with it, visit our anxiety and panic forum. They have a lot of good information over there.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/11/2011 9:00 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry Karen, must be getting tired can't even read correctly now :-s

I will have a look at breathing techniques on the internet, thanks for suggesting it. Also thank you to you and I.G for replying to me, i think it is helping me a bit.
Have got such a massive headache but i'm scared to take paracetamol, the last time I felt this bad I was thinking about suicide and i don't feel strong enough to only take one tablet, what else gets rid of a headache?

Vicky
Posted 8/11/2011 10:06 PM (GMT 0)
Try massaging the area that hurts. Sometimes the blood circulating can help. I hate headaches. I don't get them often. Have you eaten? Sometimes if you haven't eaten you can get a headache from blood sugar dropping.

I hope that you feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/12/2011 12:44 PM (GMT 0)
I can't take this any more, I really can't.
the mental health team phoned me this morning to inform me that there will be NO sessions for me over the next two weeks. The only advice that they could give me was phone them or the samaritans for a 'chat'
As soon as he spoke the words "no sessions" I broke down, i couldn't get my breath again couldn't speak and he just carried on talking. All in all he was on the phone for about 6 minutes, I didn't even get chance to ask him about panic attacks I was still finding it difficult to speak/breath/not cry when he finished the conversation, said bye and put the phone down.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 8/12/2011 7:18:18 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/12/2011 6:22 PM (GMT 0)
I'm sorry about that experience. I would think he would have tried to talk to you until you calmed down. Especially since he said you could call them to chat.

Last week I was very frustrated when trying to find help. However the crisis line people did talk to me. Did you schedule the sessions after the next two weeks. I went ahead and scheduled for september. At the time I didn't think I could make it. Continue reading and posting here. It is really helping me.
Posted 8/12/2011 8:12 PM (GMT 0)
I am sorry that you are having such a hard time getting the help that you need. Is there somebody more understanding that you could contact? It is so difficult when we need help and it feels like nobody is listening. But we care, remember that.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/12/2011 8:32 PM (GMT 0)
My counsellor phoned me as a colleague of his mentioned that they'd spoke to me (the one that left me in tears struggling to breath on the phone) I told him what had been said to me and that how i felt about being left waiting by phone as i kept being told they would phone me back and never did. He was furious about me being left in that state and promised to do something about it.

We had a long chat and he did make me feel a bit better, I even managed a quick dash to the shop without panicking, but it was only a quick dash in.

He wants me to think about doing something meaningful on the anniversary and i thought about going back to the hospital where i was told that my precious baby had no heartbeat, i haven't been back there since last year. They have a chapel and a Chaplin on site so there will be someone there i could talk to openly. I was also wondering, do you think that there would be someone there that could fully explain my scan picture to me? i carry it with me all the time but i don't fully understand it.

Thanks for your replies,
Posted 8/12/2011 9:16 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Acebabe,

I am so happy that you were able to talk to your counselor. And it sounds like it did you a lot of good.

What you are planning to do for the anniversary could be rather hard. It would be for me. But I fully support your decision. If you want to see a chaplin on that day, maybe you could call them and make sure one will be there. You could also ask if there would be somebody on hand that could explain the scan to you. Did you run this idea by your counselor when you were there? You are very brave Acebabe, I applaud you for what you are doing. And I hope that this brings you peace. And that afterwards you will be able to move forward with your life. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/12/2011 9:34 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Karen,
I know it's going to be hard but I need to do something. I don't have long left until the day and I suppose being at the hospital is the closest I'm ever going to be to my baby in this lifetime.

When I turned up to the hospital on the 25th Aug last year I was full of hope, i was excited and loved every minute of it. When I left the hospital on 26th my heart had been ripped from my chest, stabbed repeatedly for an eternity then put back in, I was empty, hollow, lost and frightened. I'm hoping the trip there will have some kind of calming effect, like i'll feel close to my baby or something, i'm not sure but i know I have to try. As long as I don't come away feeling worse then the day will have been a success.

I have run the idea by my counsellor and he is very supportive of it, he thinks that because i have managed to make the decision myself it is a big positive.

Regarding the Chaplin, there is a phone number on my hospitals website so I will contact them next week, I'm not a deeply religious person but I have always believed in life after death so maybe they will be able to offer something in the way of comfort by talking to me about that, I don't know whats going to happen really. I'm up for it now but who knows what i'll be feeling like on the day. I want to be strong and I want to see this through.
Posted 8/12/2011 9:55 PM (GMT 0)
Acebabe,


Just know that you have all of our support right now. We will always be here for you. I hope that you come through this feeling stronger than ever and at peace with things. I have high hopes for you. I think that the chaplin will be supportive and compassionate and that is what you need right now. Keep us posted on what is going on for you. Think of this as a healing journey. And you have taken some huge steps. I think that the rest will fall into place. Try to relax with it. Let things flow. All the calming energy. Feel it. It is there.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/14/2011 3:06 AM (GMT 0)
I think that sounds like a positive step to go to the hospital. I hope it is a forward step in your healing process. I was wondering if you have a friend that may be able to go with you? I am so sorry about your loss. I do not have any children and can only imagine how difficult it would be to have one pass away after I had begun to love and look forward it.
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