I've Lost Everything

The letter I've written, with names changed.

"John",

This is how I'm feeling and I wanted to write it instead of sit and talk about it because I get so upset and it's hard to talk. Some things are going to have to be done. So I am writing this to tell you as simply as I can what I feel has to be done to make it work. You are always NICE to me but that's not enough anymore and I can no longer afford to overlook these things because you are NICE, because I have lost everything, and you're going to have to show some effort into responsibility for your money and family. I shouldn't have overlooked them for so long. I have to concentrate on trying, somehow, to get my body and mind in a better state, which seems so hard to do when I don't know what will happen tomorrow and have no confidence that I will even have a place to live 6 months from now.

Most of the time I am very angry and/or sad about how my life is turning out. I don't feel like it's a partnership anymore, if it ever was. What I feel is PLUNDERED, that I've lost everything: My health, job, house, insurance, car, credit and future, even my meager retirement money. The house was refinanced twice mostly to soak up a lot of your huge bills. When we refinanced the 2nd time I felt sick to my stomach not wanting to do it, knowing I couldn't afford that huge mortgage, but you knew it and promised to help. I remember that one day later, breaking down crying, while I talked to you and the kids about me needing to pick up extra work on the weekends at my job and how you all would have to help more. That's what gets me the most is that for years you kept promising to help more, while every week overdraft notices arrived in the mail from your account, so I knew you would not. It was all false promises while your debt built back up and the money went to places I have no idea where.

Before this past year when I finally had the nervous breakdown or whatever it is, I always paid the mortgage, my car, house insurance, kids' needs, groceries, utlities, phone, provided health insurance, pretty much everything. I paid off the huge sewer repair, replaced the furniture, paid the biannual house taxes, etc. You paid your truck, Dish, and the car insurances when they rolled around. That was it. You had your salary plus even "Jack's" (my son's) child support was still going into your account. Yet every week, pink slip after pink slip from the bank, not just for a couple weeks but for years. I knew I was responsible for making sure we still had a home and food and that you wouldn't take care of it. I got my own bank account so that at least I would know I could buy food and pay the bills without the money vanishing.

The first refinancing I think you had $26,000 in credit bills, and I think about the same the second time. After the second refinancing and money got so tight, I was even stupidly charging groceries, Christmas, and took that stupid $5000 loan from the bank, still the desperate panicky feeling when I couldn't keep up and still seeing those pink slips come in the mail from your account. Pretty soon my own debt kept going and I was $10,000 in debt. I've never been that much in debt and it was scary and humiliating. But the whole time I was sending half my salary to mortgage and still trying to pay almost everything else, you were going back into deep debt. I don't remember how much at the bankruptcy, since the papers are now lost, but I'm sure it was over $20,000 again.

I don't understand where your money goes, and what you buy with those huge amounts of debt. I can't even imagine having that much debt, to me what I had was horrible enough. The bankruptcy was the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me.

Where does your money go? "I don't know" is not an answer I can live with anymore. For instance right now..we have almost no bills..no mortgage and you haven't had truck payments until the court judgment, yet yesterday a pink slip again and you're $230 in the hole just this week. Is it a secret gambling problem? Internet stuff? Overpaying the ex? Something else? What has been going on all these years? I have the right to know. All you have to pay right now is the phone, utilities and Dish, car insurance every couple months on one car instead of 3. My parents bought our groceries and household expenses for months while I wasn't working and I've been doing it since then. Where does it all go?? Even if it's something bad I think you should tell me. I don't think you understand what it means to me to have my car and house taken away from me.

It's only a matter of time before we get a letter telling us we have to move out of this house I've lived in for 16 years in 30 days. I don't care if it took years to happen for some people, it could happen any day. We have no savings and now my retirement, my last possible source, is gone. With his disabilities, "Jack" will be dependent on me for many years to come, the poor kid.

I'd like to say it would be easy for me to work more, but it's a lie. Between my depression and anxiety and the terrible feet and back pain, I can't even imagine keeping down a full time job again right now. I know everyone gets tired of hearing me complain about my pain, but it's bad. Walking is often like stepping on little knives and my lower back has a deep, horrible ache if I do more than 10 minutes housework or even just dishes at a time. Then I have to rest. Sometimes I have headaches for days at a time. I cry every day and I'm always exhausted. I know it's been working up to this a long time, I've been depressed for years now. I never did pay off that hospital trip for the heart pain and arrhythmias which turned out to be anxiety related, I think that went through the bankruptcy.

My memory might be bad but sometimes I do remember things word-for-word. I remember after we first met and you were telling me about what your ex said as to why the marriage hadn't worked. You said, "She said I didn't take care of her." I didn't understand that at all, but it somehow bothered me. Now, I get it. You don't take care of people and family. You say you care, but you don't show it through actions that are important, like making sure your people feel secure and safe. You are a nice man with a good sense of humor and a great way with the kids. "Jack" absolutely adores you. But whatever sense of responsibility for family that a man needs to have is missing from you. I don't think that, in your mind, your intentions are cruel or to deliberately to hurt someone, but it winds up hurting badly just the same.

So, anyway, my last-ditch idea is to give this one year from today 8/12/2012 and hope for some big changes, that is, if you even want to.

There needs to be an end to the pink slips and some savings. I need to see effort and proof that I can rely on you in the future. I want you to get some counseling with financial counseling too. Every time the bank sends you an overdraft with fees..the hundreds of times it's happened..my stomach drops a little more.

I don't agree that there's no money to save. Even if we guess low and say you're bringing home after taxes $2000 a month:

Truck payment $400/month x 6 months (starting this month?)
Utilities $150-300/month
DISH $? ($75?)
Phone/Internet: $75/month
Car Insurance: $100 a month?

I might be forgetting something but that still leaves over $1000 or half your salary. We will need money to move. I'm spending a majority of mine on groceries and household needs which averages about $400-500 a month. I'm bringing home about $800 a month at least until I get more hours. I am not going to give you any of the retirement money left over, for your truck or anything else, which probably won't be much after buying myself a car. I'm going to hang onto whatever is left in my account. I don't even know if "Jack" still receives child support but I am also having that moved into my account, it's ridiculous that I have allowed you to go through that money every month for years. I just left it there because I thought maybe that extra cushion would help but that was just wrong of me, that's "Jack's" money. It didn't help anyway. If you think any of this is unfair, that I'm dumping all the responsibility on you, think about all the years that I shouldered it all while you spent money on unknown sources and I am now sitting here with these fears.

We would have to have some marriage counseling too, from my perspective I am so angry and I'm not going to apologize for that, because anyone in my shoes would be angry. I want to start personal counseling for me again too once I get some insurance. Someone who works in insurance said I should qualify to get on your insurance plan regardless of time because of having lost my insurance is a "qualifying event" and that should allow me to be put on at anytime. So I would appreciate that being looked into, I know I am not healthy. I fully expect not to live to be old unless I can get feeling better, the human body does not do well with this level of uncontrolled stress.

We have to be able to swing a monthly rent of around $600-800, plus utilities. We'll need a couple thousand dollars for the move--truck rental and the security deposits and crap. With no savings now..what do we do if that letter comes tomorrow? And it legally could! It's foolish to assume it will be years.

If you really don't care, then don't bother with any of that. I can't support you financially, now or ever again. At some point I intend to start working more, but it's for "Jack's" sake, not to support you, and only when I think I can mentally and physically handle it. Right now I'm just treading water because I'm so stressed out over this impending foreclosure and lack of confidence that I can ever rely on you and I am working more on myself and dealing with these day-to-day stresses. Even if you decided to walk, you'd still be ahead, and now debt-free, and I'm totally at the mercy of the world and responsible for "Jack". All my resources are gone now, but I would be able to find a way. So I guess this is just the point where you need to decide how much you do care and want it. I will leave that decision to you. If you do care, then prove me wrong. It's definitely going to be hard for me to "get over" all these losses, my faith and desire is pretty low. I want a real marriage and partnership if I'm going to have one at all, and not just me supporting you and to wherever/whomever all the money goes. If that is still the case I'd be better off being a single mother on government assistance. I can't even make any promises right now due to my lack of confidence but feel at least an effort should be made with this letter. If you have a response you can write it back to me. If you will really try and prove it, I promise to try too.

"Mary"

So I will see what happens with that, you're right that I have already thought in my mind he won't change. I do realize that. I think it's worth a shot for my son's sake to give it a last-ditch effort. He loves his stepfather so much. We'll see. Thanks for the help, I'll keep reading the forums.

Sounds like your husband takes but does not give. Have you actually called his work to verify what he is telling you is the truth about the insurance? Given he has lied/hid his spending I wouldn't doubt if he lied about this too - among other things. Why do you stay w/him? You said yourself you are the one doing all the work, worrying and yet, losing everything. Evidently he has a pattern of this and his first wife was also a victim of his selfish and irresponsible ways. I am not trying to be mean - I am trying to save you from yourself but mainly him and a future full of more pain, misery and loss. I have been exactly where you are and would've given ANYTHING for someone to "tell me straight" - I al stil trying to recover from the stuipdity of staying w/someone who care more about themselves and their own pleasure than me, their family, their creditors. Do yourself a favor - cut your losses and get out. You will be depressed, yes, but relieved and able to get your life back on track w/some hard lessons learned. I feel for you and hope you will do the only thing you can which is help yourself!