Don't know how to help myself

I think when you said you "seemed to deal with it" says it all. Given your depression, anger towards your boyfriend, the PTSD, and so forth it would indicate that you haven't really dealt with the horrors you suffered when you were raped.

Being a man I am not going to even try to pretend to know what it was like for you. What I do understand though is that it is a lot more than a violation of your body. It is also a violation of your very soul and who you are as a person.

What you really need is help putting the pieces back together again. You really need to talk with someone who truly understands what you went through and what you are going through now as a result. I don't know what kind of resources are available in Ecuador in regards to rape counseling but if they are there I suggest you use them. If that is not possible then make contact with someone from the UK or the USA who is willing to provide you with that over the phone and/or through emails, instant messaging, etc.

Here is a site that may get you started. It has both online messaging as well as listing phone numbers you can call.

apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/

Hi Billie,

Sounds like it may be time to deal with it and then put it behind you if you can. I wish for you the best. Keep posting, you have come to a good place.

Hugs, Karen

therapy helps me immensly. with healing compassion, jamie

Hi Billie . I just said this to someone else on here and then I saw your posts so I thought id say to you too

when I used to see a therapist she told me to think or remember a time when I felt safe and strong .. .. then she said any time you feel scared think of that feeling and sqeeze your thumb and finger together .

then when I have to leave the house I think of this and do this and it reminds me of when I feel strong .. the thumb and finger thing is a way of telling the mind that that feeling means that thought of safety .. so you learn to accept this way as a way of feeling stronger.

for example if you feel really good when you are teaching .. you can remind your self of that feeling in this way again when you feel bad.

Hey

Thanks for the helpful replies. I have tried doing the finger and thumb thing but I think that maybe my mind isn't that disciplined right now. It just flies about and I can't focus. I'm going to keep trying though so thank you for the advice.

Dave, keeping it to yourself for so long sounds like hell. I'm just trying to hold on until Christmas. Thanks for the advice too but I think I'm just going to wait until I get home as my Spanish isn't good either.

Actually I had a bit of a bad day today. I wanted to see what you think about it.As you know I live in Ecuador in Quito. I had to go to the bank and my boyfriend went with me. Just around the corner we met a South African lady who said she was travelling and had been mugged in the park by 6 guys with a gun. She had lost her passport, all her money and said that the nearest SA embassy was in Peru. She looked pretty tired and dirty so I invited her back to my house and we made her sandwiches and she had a shower. She went to sleep for a little while so we went into another room to leave her in peace.
She was probably in her late 40s early 50s and was very overweight. I just felt so sorry for her because she'd told us that she had had to sleep rough and Quito is so dangerous. When we were leaving the house to put her on the bus (I gave her $40 to get the bus to Peru) I noticed my camera was missing. I couldn't see it anywhere but she was in a hurry so we just left. I got kind of suspicious and wanted to ask her but I didn't know what to say.
Now I can't find my camera anywhere and the only explanation is that she took it. Maybe it was a big scam.
My boyfriend said I was stupid for taking her back to the house even though he didn't raise the alarm or tell me that it was a bad idea. I was just acting out of sympathy for this woman. I'd hope that someone would do the same for me in the same situation. Also, I have problems trusting people so I felt that I should just try to put my trust into people.
Now my boyfriend is mad at me and says he is leaving Ecuador. is this an extreme reaction? Am I stupid? I just don't know what to think anymore.

I am hoping that if I were in that predicament someone would help me too. I think what you did was extremely nice and shows that you are a caring person. Perhaps her tale was true. People are opportunists. Maybe she thought that was a way to get more money down the road. You did what was in your heart to do. That experience just messes up for the next person that crosses your path in need. You may be a little reluctant to offer assistance. Makes us second guess our decisions. Hopefully the camera will turn up.

Now my boyfriend is leaving me because of it. He said he will go before the end of the month. I just feel so numb. I don't want to be here without him.

Oh my! That is no real reason to leave. Reminds me a little of how my breakup started. We had a trip scheduled. The departure date was the same as my niece's bday party. When my sister told meshe was going to have a princess party with a horse drawn cinderella carriage I said there has been a change in plans. What about changing the departure day to the next day or catching a later flight that day. Well that was it. However, later on more came out. So I agree that there is more to it than your helping someone in distress.

Hey,

Thanks for all your supportive replies. I haven't had internet access lately. Yes, of course I knew there was other stuff contributing to this but I was shocked that he used this incident as his excuse to leave. Right now he's still here and actually I don't much care what he does now. He's not very supportive (like the people on this forum)!

I've been feeling a little bit better lately. I've been doing this thing called moodgym on line and it's been helping a little. I don't know if any of you have done it?

Hope you all have nice days :) Thanks again for the support