A little bit about myself

To Kaleighah82

Thank you for your reply, unfortunately there is no one to go with me, my friends/family have not been part of my support network. I have only had my counsellor really. Each time I have tried to speak to friends/family they always manage to turn the conversation onto themselves. Without my counsellor I don't know what I would have done, which is why i have been finding it very difficult to cope knowing that I will not be able to see him until 8th september.

Going to the hospital is probably going to the hardest thing i have done this year but hopefully I will get something positive out of it, if not then at least I tried. I will never forget my baby or what i have been through but if I don't find some kind of closure then i fear that i will go mad with grief.

It is hard, even getting up in the morning. I have spent days on end in my PJ's doing nothing all day but crying. I am lucky that i don't have to go to work until the 5th september, i work in a school so i have the summer off.

Thank you again for replying, it has really helped me having people on here to talk to whilst my counsellor is away.

Vicky

Vicky-
I am really sorry that your counselor is away; though I am glad you were able to talk to him again before he left. my counselor went on maternity leave for a month awhile ago and I remember how worried I was about not having that support while she was gone. I know that it is totally different for people; but for me the anticipation of her being gone was a lot worse than her actually being gone. Each day that went past was one day closer to seeing her again and it was OK. Do you have stuff for school that you can work on to give you something to do? I was also wondering if there was something you could do for your baby to remember her (him). Like plant a tree, frame the scan picture, plant a rose bush, write a baby book...I really don't know you or your situation, but I wonder if some of your sadness is out of a fear that you may forget your baby if you allow yourself to continue living. So I wonder if you do something to commemorate your baby; knowing that whenever you see that item or do that thing you will always remember your child; if that may help you begin to move on knowing that you will never forget her (him). Does that make sense? I'm sorry if this seems uncaring or unhelpful; it was just a random idea I thought may be helpful. I'm sorry if it's not.

These things do happen. It was just bad timing, I think. I am glad that you had people that were there to help you and console you. And I am glad that you made it home okay. Try to cheer up if you can. I iknow this is hard for you. But you will get through this. It takes time. Know that we are all here for you at this time. And will continue to be.

Hugs, Karen

Thanks again Karen for your support

@purplesky46
I am not familiar with the brands of medication you mentioned. I am on Citalopram 20mg but my doctor wants to increase this to 40mg at my next appointment on 22nd Aug.

@awty
Yes, on reflection the people there were very kind to me even though at the time i just wanted them to leave me alone.
The advice you give about going home and trying the next day is good but I'm worried because I've hardly been anywhere and yet i'm back in work in a couple of weeks. I don't want to take any time off because I don't want people to talk about me.
I can't avoid anyone there and just get on with my own job because part of my job in the school is to liaise between children, parents and staff and most of the parents seem to be pregnant at the minute. The thought of going back to work terrifies me, I just need to find a way through it, to keep calm and not panic.

Vicky

Hi everyone. Quick update
The Chaplain did not phone me back, I had to phone the on call Chaplain to try and sort something out for next week. Luckily it seems that someone will be there. All I wanted was a little prayer, some kind words to help me through and I would have thought it would have been a lot easier to arrange than this. It feels like i'm begging and pleading people to support me when personally I feel that the support should be made readily available.

I feel quite sad really because what if I didn't keep phoning places to find what I need, what if i didn't post on here or email the Samaritans?? What would I be going through then? How many times have the services let people down but the people didn't know what to do or who else to phone. The only advice I was given from the services that I use was to phone the Samaritans. No one suggested joining a support forum, speaking to a chaplain. Doing something special. These are the things i have had to find out the hard way but would I have bothered if I had felt even worse (if thats possible) than I do?
Interesting isn't? My life could be going in totally the opposite direction now, never finding a way out, never seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks for 'listening'

Vicky

I feel your frustration. Like you said, we are practically begging for help but for some reason that help is just out of our reach. We know we need the help and have reached out. We want to get through it, but since the help we desire is not easily accessed, the light at the end of that tunnel seems so dim. For me sometimes there is no light at all. However, we come here and these wonderful people provide us with a flashlight to help us make it a little further on this journey. It is rough but together we will all get through. Each one pulling the other when we think there is no way we can make it.

I am glad someone took the time to console you. There are good people in this world.

I work in a school too. I also dreaded going back to work because I don't think I can be effective feeling like this. Several times this week someone has asked are you ok. Normally I would lie and say yes. But I've been feeling so bad I said no I'm not. I just left it there. Continue to work at your healing and know that you are in my thoughts.

We will be thinking of you tomorrow. Just try to go with the flow of things. You will be okay. I know that this means a lot to you. So know I am thinking about you.

Hugs, Karen

PS I will be gone tomorrow afternoon, but there will most likely be somebody esle on.

Hugs, Karen

Hi Everyone.

Well as you know last Thursday was the one year anniversary of my baby's death.
I just thought I'd let you all know how I got on.
First of all I was a nervous wreck and I'm not kidding when I tell you that nearly didn't make it through the hospital doors. I took everything I had to do with the baby, little socks, my scan photo, some mittens I had knitted and so on. After having a cup of tea with the Chaplain and giving her some background information about me she took me into the Chapel and we laid my items on the alter. She spoke some lovely words and a prayer and gave me some time on my own to say good bye properly like what other people get to do at funerals. I'm not joking but it has done me the world of good and although I still think about it I can honestly say that I have not cried since.

I really does feel like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders and because I have not been feeling so weighed down I have been able to do more around the house/for myself - I even managed to wax my eyebrows before!


I really am glad that I did this and I know that I have somewhere where I can go, like a grave, to say a little prayer, light a candle or just to feel close to my baby and I would like to thank all the people on here for replying when I needed my voice to be heard and also to thank the people who didn't reply but still read and followed my journey from the dark into the light for I truly can see and feel a brighter future.

XxXxX

I am so glad u are feeling better. I was a little worried when we hadn't heard from you. Do continue to come here and share. Your positive experience provides a light for all of us. Big smiles and hugs to you.