My Personal Tale of Woe

I'm a new member and I just want to politely bid everyone hello.

A plethora of issues has been smoldering inside of me for a long time, now. I was seeking a simple Google search about bliss and how it is NOT happiness and stumbled upon this inspiring community. I hope I can garner some helpful advice through my tale.

Firstly, I don't want to sound like a whiner or someone who makes a whole lot of fuss over very little. I'm not on medication, either. I don't see a point in it. But in my 21 years, I've never been able to tolerate much stress. Bearing that in mind, perhaps one could see how easily I lose my composure in life.

To provide the complete portrait of my suffering, I hope to trudge along the forum guidelines as best I can.

I'm not a conventional religious person. I like to believe in a higher power. It helps me justify my suffering. Often I feel as though life is meaningless and that, were it not part of some ultimate design, it is only a mere state of purgatory.

I'm 21, as I said, but I feel like many of my young years were stripped away from me. I come from a broken home. Never had a father. My mother's suffering tops my own if you ask me. Abusive husbands, death in the family, the works. I like to think of my life as a splinter-- the jagged and agonizing chip of wood that you claw at, tooth and nail, to free it from your skin. I feel like I'm walking on glass most days. And when there is bliss in my life, it is short-lived by definition and it is only a matter of time before I sink back down into negative thoughts, nihilistic views and overall a great state of sadness and unanswered yearning.

I may know who my father is. I was never told until I was 15 or so. But even if it is accurate, that person is gone from this world. As is my Aunt due to a sicko's murderous taste. My other Aunt and Uncle are also grieving alcoholics, just like my mother, and despite my wishes, their drinking will continue until the day they die. I owe a lot of my survival to my grandmother. She's the kindest and most caring person I've ever known but even our relationship feels severed due to my inner turmoil.

I have two sisters, both of which side with their abusive father over my battered mother. Clearly, if they were devoured by a conflagration, I wouldn't lament over their passing. One is kinder than the other, but they have never made any attempt to repair the broken wings of our family situation. Neither have I. They've moved on. They are wives, now. So, whatever, really.

I also have a skin condition known as Vitiligo. It has scarred my psyche since I first learned what a psyche was. School was not particularly enjoyable. I liked learning. You could say I was a smart kid filled with aptitude once upon a time. But due to a lacking staff and overall school system, I was left to bullies like some kind of snack. People always say violence wounds more severely than simple harsh words, but they're wrong. Words last forever. In literature, in life and in my memory. And it hurts.

The bullying was part of my reasoning for transferring to home school in 8th Grade. However, this failed to work as well. I lost focus and became lethargic. In that time, all I cared about was myself. And the survival of my own self. Nothing else. I never realized how much I loved my family until it was too late. Now, they're hollow shells just like me. No matter what I do, it never changes.

I've always wanted to be a writer. I love movies. Art. All of that jazz. But effort isn't on my speed dial; I'm a slacker.

I dropped out of school in the 10th Grade. I regret it greatly because I still don't have a high school education. I'm horrid at mathematics and keep shying away from the GED because of this poor intelligence. Instead, I dabble in role-playing and watching movies, video games... the works. Anything that helps me escape from this world. I love reading as well.

For a handful of years, I became a recluse. An angel came into my life and rescued me. She's currently my fiancee. But our relationship is tiring. I care for her very much and I want us to excel as a couple in the future. We have a wedding date set and it all sounds wonderful on the surface, but inside I'm suffering, shuffling along like a broken chain drowned in the heart of the ocean. I also have terrible anxiety. Though I'm more comfortable around people than I used to be, I shy away from chit-chat and social events because, due to my poor experiences in the past, I've developed a raw scorn for humanity and couldn't care less about what a person is majoring in and any other punch & chips conversation you could imagine.

Due to my lack of a father, I've developed an ease around women instead of men. I detest men in most cases. I can't stand my fiancee's father. Basically, I look down upon most people and would rather remain reserved in my manner than actually find a bond with another 'dude' because in the end, I see little if any value in such a friendship. I'm my own person and I don't like company, yet I love being around my family and my fiancee. Clearly, one can see how I'm a walking contradiction, jumbled and stagnant. Though I'm not one to sell myself short. At least not subjectively. I am a good cleaner. I can undo bolts and fix cars. And I think I'm a fairly decent writer. I have a hobby of making videos. I like photography. And most of all, I love eating.

Since my relationship with my fiancee is the first true commitment I've ever made to another person, I find it hard (imagine that) to not accept temptation. I have a lustful eye and it has gotten me in trouble. The girl I crushed on through my school years wanted to hang out one night and I wound up on the wrong side of infidelity. My fiancee is as delicate as I am when it comes to depression, so you could imagine how we can manage to keep each other afloat but also so easily tear each other down. That wasn't a bright time in my life, either. It seems nothing is these days. My family situation is tearing away, day in and day out. I have no car, no driver's license, no job either. I currently live to and fro with my mother and fiancee, spending most of my time with the latter which makes the former an equally saddened mess as well.

Basically, my ultimate desire would be for my family to become healthy. Stop drinking, for everyone in it to become a bit happy for once. I love them all so much. And frankly, I would love to become a man. But I have so much rage! I get so angry sometimes. So lonely, too. There is so much sadness inside of me. I keep telling myself that it'll all work out and that by the time of the wedding, I'll have a job (maybe be in college) and be ready to move on with my own life. But I suffer horribly from the thought of leaving my mother behind. All she's done is suffer her entire adult life. I wish she could be happy, but most days she simply resents me for being gone. What am I to do? There are so many things I haven't done and so many things I'll never become.

I just want them all to be happy, for myself to be happy, for my fiancee to be happy, to actually... find meaning in this life. I know I'm a good person. I do. I want to achieve. I don't want to keep reading about the success of others. I want to write novels and make movies and be a father to my fiancee's children. I want so much to happen. But at the same time... I'm exhausted.

In conclusion, bliss is my vice and I intend to keep it that way. Silly brief fun has its perks after all. But it is simply insufficient. If you could bear this pathetic rant of mine, I thank you for the attention. If anyone has some useful advice, I'd definitely appreciate it.

- John

John,

Welcome to the depression forum. I am sure you will find much comfort here as everybody is si kind and compassionate. Very supportive.

Do keep posting, you have an interesting story.

Hugs, Karen

Hi again John,

I broke my response up to make it a little easier to follow.

As much as many of us would like to change the world for the better, or at least our own little corner of it, the truth is we often can't. The only thing we can reasonably expect to control is ourselves and what we send out into the world. If you have never heard of Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" I suggest you look it up and either listen to it if you can find a free copy or at the very least look up and read the lyrics. In short it talks about how if we want to make the world a better place we have to start with the person looking back at us when we look into a mirror.

This is where you need to start. Get the pieces of your life in order, make yourself into the type of man you want to be. Then when you have yourself on solid ground you will in a better position to help those around you in some way. That help may or may not be to help them change their self destructive ways, it may only be to love them and be there to support them because you can not help those who do not want it as much as we might wish to otherwise.

The Serenity Prayer says this better than I ever could:

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.