Hey guys I keep flopping back forth between the anxiety/depression forums because I keep believing that I'm suffering from one or the other stronger at that moment in time. I feel like it goes up and down, and they both seriously take a toll on me. I'm just getting very frustrated with the fact that I still feel sort of the same way that I felt 2 years ago. I shouldn't be that negative I guess, I have gotten a little better....but I still am far from what I would call ok. I get no enjoyment from doing anything and honestly I just want to be alone all the time. That's kind of a lie though as well, I'd honestly love to be able to be back around friends and family and feel great. The problem is I can't do that anymore. I get depersonalization really bad, I've suffered with it for the last 2 years and it's the primary reason why I sought out treatment 2 years back. I knew before that I had suffered with depression from pre-existing conditions and from just dwelling on life experiences. It was so bad that I wouldn't even be able to read an article in the paper, watch a tv show and retain any information, watch a sporting event (which I used to be SOOO into sports). Now thank god I am actually able to focus and pay attention and retain some of this information. But while doing any task, whether it be working out, watching tv, at work, out with friends, I just feel empty inside. Just no desire, no drive, nothing. For the most part I just sit home during the week at nights on nights where I'm not at night class for my college classses. I go out like one night on the weekend just to force myself to go out and do something, but it's mostly awkward and I feel like I'm torturing myself by doing it until I get a little buzz on from drinking and then I'm ok and feel calm.
I've tried therapy for 2 years off and on and I just am not seeing much results with it. I'm currently seeing my psychiatrist on a once a month basis. When I was seeing a psychologist about 6 months ago (switched docs fora little bit), he wanted to see me once a week because he felt I needed that much treatment to get myself better. I guess I figured it's easier to pop a xanax twice a day and just see my psychiatrist once a month as opposed to going to therapy once a week? It's a lot cheaper this way too. But I am far from a happy guy.
My main worries? That I'm slowly going to drift deeper and deeper into a depression and so something stupid. When I'm really down I'm extremely irritable and mix in some alcohol on the weekends with that and I get concerned that that could be bad. I worry about that I'm a schizophrenic and that i'm going totally lose control of my sanity and wind up in permanent intreatment somewhere. I think a lot about life and death lately. What's it all about, how I got where I am, how I let things get so bad. I try to spin these thoughts around and make them positive. I am going back to college now and knock on wood, for the first time in college I'm getting good grades. Hopefully if I can get my degree and land a good paying and respected job hopefully that will help me think more of myself. It's going to be a rough road though, I haven't had much confidence since probably freshman year of high school. I feel like with every year that goes by that my dreams are just going out the freaking window.
I do take some positives away from some things in my life though. First I realize my weakness and my problem and I really truly want to get better. I just don't know how....secondly I left my old job I hated with family business and have established myself at a steady job with a good company. The pay isn't that great but I'm doing pretty well there and hopefully will get a nice promotion within the next month. I'm totally devoted to not letting how I feel stop me from doing the things I NEED to do.
Am I wrong for just wanting to feel ok though? I know that I'm functioning and I should be thankful for that. I know there's people who are homeless who suffer with REAL depression, I know there's people who are starving and deal with real worries. And when I compare my stupid idiotic worries to those of people like that I get mad about how I let this affect me so much. It's just so hard to just go through everyday not really caring or feeling like you're achieving something. I just feel like I'm getting by, I'm tired of just getting by. I want to be better darnit. I want to be able to go a day without ever thinking of anxiety or depression. Is this goal even one thats attainable or am I in living in a fantasy world? Am I just destined to be this grumpy/lonely/depressed guy forever?