Is it situational or something deeper?

 I have been battling this feeling for a long time.  I relate to the tv commercial about winding yourself up to start the day.  I live in a remote, rural area.  We moved from a large city because of finances.  My mother-in-law moved with us as she needs someone with her in case she falls.  This is not how I wanted to spend my retirement.  I am supposed to be doing the things I love.  I take care of the house, cleaning, laundry, cooking etc.  I also take care of the animals.  My husband works. Constantly.  He complains that there is no time for him to do what he wants yet he picks up open shifts when they are available.  When he is home he is too tired to do much of anything.  In my spare time I play computer games.  He hates this.  I think he is happy we moved because I am away from my family and friends, malls and the like.  I am isolated and alone most of the time with my 80+ year old mother-in-law.  She is unhappy being here but saw no alternative.  My husband constantly reminded her that her money would only last a few years in a nursing home.  I really want to feel good and happy but it is a constant battle.  I have ballooned up to over 200 pounds.  We don't have insurance yet and haven't for almost a year so seeing a counselor is out of the question right now.  I have asked my husband to go to counseling with me as our relationship is just a shell but he says it won't do any good.  I just need to be more physical with him and everything will be fine.  I'm in a hole and it just keeps getting deeper.

hi ldyblu, jamie here. welcome to the forum.

i agree with maggie about getting some counselling and support for just you. look to see what support services are in your area, as maggie has stated your local mental health clinic should be able to arrange for you to see somebody on a sliding fee. i am sending you much healing compassionate thoughts your way. keep strong we are here for you. jamie.

Wow! Thank you all for the support! I have visited other sites and was immediately jumped on for my part in the whole thing. Yes, I have to be accountable for some of this and I know that but it is so refreshing and wonderful to feel sympathy and empathy and some semblance of understanding.

Maggie... I am so sorry you were caught in Katrina. Love and light to you and yours. Yes, I agree that I need to get involved in some manor but I also know that I will be held responsible if my m-i-l would get hurt while I was gone. Without question she is depressed. She takes two kinds of depression medication but my hubby says that they are being used for pain.

Jamie....thank you for the strength. I have been to counseling off and on before. Unfortunately when its been through insurance you only get so many visits and then its done. Hubby just got a full time position so insurance is coming again soon and I will be sure to check out the benefits.

Karen....thanks for listening. Yes, we know that the state would take over the cost of her care but my husband absolutely refuses to put her in a home. He is a paramedic and knows the level of care is not the best. He means well and wants the best for her but has blinders on and ear plugs in when it comes to nursing homes. I try to talk to him about her but he thinks that she just needs time to adjust. He never asks how I'm doing and if I hinted that I was struggling he would not be pleasant to live with.

I have good days and bad days and going half mad days. I would quote that but don't know who to give props to. I know that I need something but am not sure just what it is. I wish he would be more sympathetic and empathetic but I don't think he knows how. He is a terrific when he is on duty but lousy when at home. I know I should stand up for myself more but I hate the confrontation. It just helps to have someone who understands to talk to.

Thanks Jim. There is a "retirement" home in town that has activities and my husband has said we will look into those. My m-i-l doesn't like us having to drive so far for her. She "doesn't want to be a burden" etc etc. Change is difficult for her. Almost impossible for her to deal with. She likes things to be "just so" and any deviation from that causes great distress. The only time my husband would entertain a CNA is if she became bed bound. She gets around the house and most outings with a walker and we do have a wheelchair for longer jaunts. As long as she is ambulatory I will be her main caretaker. My husband will have it no other way.