depressed and hate myself

Hi, Im new to this posting, but I thought it might help get this out here, since Ive been depressed for almost two months, because of the breakup of a great relationship that I took for granted. I was with this girl for years, but I treated her horribly. I cheated on her almost the entire time together with my ex; I think I did it because me and my ex had such great sexual chemistry, but really nothing else. God, it just tears me up to even say it, I sound like such an evil person. The girl who finally got smart and dumped me was amazing; we were best friends and she was my rock, my support, pretty much my life revolved around her, and yet I kept hurting her. I feel like a criminal, because I only stopped hurting her when she would find out; then I would start up again. I have such feelings of self loathing I cannot sleep, have thought about suicide (but I really dont think I would ever take such a drastic step), and am on 3 meds (for anxiety, sleeplessness, and depression). I know its only been two months, but it has totally messed up my schooling, Im 25 and was doing great in law school before this happened. I absolutely hate myself for how I treated her, and how I gave into lust and being such a liar. I just feel undeserving of ever having someone love me again, because of my actions..I am not the victim here of someone else's actions, I am the scumbag cheater who every woman would probably want to avoid. I try not to ruminate, but every day I think about how rediculous I was. I guess I just wanted to get that out there...

I wish I could confess to her and receive some sort of forgiveness or even some acknowledgement, but I fear that may be impossible as she has told me not to contact her and to stay out of her life.

Its hard to not feel like a criminal; I committed the classic mistake of doing things just because I could, and karma is real; It came right back around, and justice I feel was served in that I am now suffering for what I did. But I know I will change because of this, its just sunk me into such a state of depression and disgust with myself. I have been seeing a therapist for a couple weeks now, so i feel Im doing everything medically and psychologically that I can. I just need to give myself time to get over this; I know I will never forget how I acted to bring such hurt to myself and another, but I think since it happened I have gradually tried to realize there is hope for me still.

 Glad you found us. Depression is a real illness and without support, even professional or group, you can flip-flop alone for a long time. You can't heal alone. It is very hard to come to terms with depression alone.

 

One thing you have already recognized is that you have a problem and came to terms with them and are reaching out for support. As for the sexual encounters with your X, that is a tough blow to take. (we are honest) I am a very firm beliver in keeping marriage vows. I am also a firm believer that the Lord is there for me and He glide me every day. He also gives me a "flea-flicker" when I need it. I would have to question whether you were 100% dedicated to your friend and lover. As you described, she sounds like a wonderful person and remember you hurt her. Lets not mistake actions and reactions. It was probably time for her to learn of your infedility, hence the sleeplessness and the loathing. That tells me that you do have a conscience. See, you are not a hopeless case. There is hope. As for suicide, we don't like to talk about that. We are more interested in positive advice rather than negative. Suicide is a terrible thing and isn't fair to anyone who knows the victim.The End!

 

Does she (your girl) know how you feel? Did you ask for forgivness or did it go too far for her to forgive, (once is too much for me). It's is good you made your feelings clear and now it's time to "dump" them and get on with your life.

 

This is the real deal. You can't change what you did. You did it and you hurt someone. You can't go back in time and fix it. The thing you can learn is that you can't hurt someone without the ramifications. You should concentrate on your studies and get your career taken care of. Perhaps you will be ready for a serious commitment to someone. Please don't think you are a hopeless case. You have to face the music, trim your sails and keep on going! You will have friends here!

 

"Lefty"

  

Hi darkcloud.

What you've got to remember is that everone makes mistakes, but the best people learn from them. I can tell that you love her alot, and she is the best thing in your world. The question is WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?
The girl you love will probably be quite surprised if you try an contact her now after two months, she thinks you like your ex.
You should try to contact her, what have you got to lose? How long had you been going out? How serious was yhe relationship?

Love is a very annoying thing, you've obviously been hurt by it. Its clear that you are changing yourself and because you are in class with this girl everyday i think she might start noticing it. After a while she may even start talking to you again, you never know.
I think you're doing the right thing by trying to concentrate on your work, it will help take your mind off things.
Good luck with everything!!!!!