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wondering how people dealt with break-ups

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Posted 4/2/2005 2:19 AM (GMT 0)
Im just wondering if anyone out there has some personal experiences with post break-up depression stemming from something they themselves did (cheated, lied, other hurtful things). I have seen my ex move on and I still cant. Ive tried to date, but it seems like no one I meet really clicks with me. Im just lookin for some stories to see how people dealt with this situation, especially those who still have had to see their ex after the break up on a regular basis.
Posted 4/2/2005 3:38 AM (GMT 0)
Why have you had to see her? Do you work or go to school together? It might be easier for both of you if you can keep your distance until you've both moved on.
Posted 4/2/2005 2:53 PM (GMT 0)
confused  Well. D.C.,

I think it's safe to say that most os us have lost someone that we really cared about and loved. Everyone's experience is different. Case in point. My X husband and I split over 25 yrs ago. It was over something stupid. We had a family vacation planned and my mom asked us to take my baby sister and a friend of her's. Even though they have their own cottage, my X was very upset as he was looking forward to this trip and bringing us closer together. While on this vacation, I left him a few times to do some things with my sister and my girls, then ages 7 and 9. He drank a lot and needless to say, he beat me like he often did when he was drunk. Then he kicked me whe I was down, all in front of my girls. That still is in their head, at ages 32 and 34. It was a bad break-up as all he wanted to do was "scare me" into being a better wife or I should say lover. It is very hard to physically love someone that is drunk It is rather disgusting. Hence, a divorce and a mess. I have been remarried for 23 yrs now and when he learned I was dating, he came to my apartment, wrecked it and beat me one final time. Then my now husband threatened to kill him if he layed another hand on me. He listened. What can I say. It wasn't pretty. If it was a stronger relationship. I think it could have been fixed. My girls still resent us for that. That's the part that hurts the most.

 

"Lefty"  

Posted 4/2/2005 6:45 PM (GMT 0)
yea we both go to the same school, and right now are in the same class. She acts as though I dont even exist, which, after how I treated our relationship, I dont blame her. She has certainly moved on, shes got a new man, and probably will never talk to me again. I loved her, but I was too immature to handle a fully committed relationship and hence acted in ways that people who are in love shouldnt (cheated, lied, told her i didnt deserve her). I think there has always been self esteem issues with me and some sort of psychological imbalance where I push away people who love me. Im working on it, but Id love to be able to move on and show someone else I can be a loving caring person..cause I still beat myself up for treating my ex the way I did and want a chance to prove to myself and another I am not an evil person. I will always carry that stigma that I was a cheater and a liar, and that will never go away. I almost wish I could just erase my memory of her cause some days it just hurts too much to bear; physically, I have anxiety and heartburn from this emotional hurt. I take meds, they help somewhat, but Im still struggling.
Posted 4/2/2005 7:51 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Darkcloud22,I'am sorry that you are going through this,but remember you are not alone.I was married a little over two years to my ex.He beat me up mentaley all the time.He would tell me that He would never have any thing because I was sick.I heard this constantley.He was very controlling.I had to ask him for every little thing if I wanted a can coke I had to ask him if I could hacve it.I have Crohns,RA,OA and depression do to my illeness.He came home three days before my Birthday and said that he wanted out.He said that he wanted someone that was not sick and that could work.My ex left me with no way to.I called my parents and they came and got me.In all off this time trying to aid so I could get my meds he told my parents that he did't feel that he should not have to put out any more money on my medical bills and basicaly told me he did't care if I got my meds.Well he is in another state and I'am glade it's not been easy but I'am getting on with my life.I see a Theraphist and she has been a tremendist help to me.Have you thought about seeing a theraphist?I highly recomend it.I hope that you start to feeling better.


Curley.......
a.k.a.Mela..............
Posted 4/2/2005 8:39 PM (GMT 0)
Darkcloud, The fact that you are feeling remorse for your past behavior says a lot. You know you did wrong, and knowing this, you will recognize if you're tempted to do these things again in your next relationship. I know the wound is still open; but know everything happens for a reason. Whether or not we like it. Maybe you weren't ready for a commited relationship, and that's ok, but you have a learned so much about how your actions affected someone else and YOU. I understand how you're feeling b/c I've been there before. And like you, I feel that I push wonderful guys out of my life -- I fear getting close and other things too. I am sorting it out. I know I have control issues. Anyway, your ex is doing what she needs to do to move on b/c she's probably still hurting, and ignoring you is her way of disconnecting herself. My advice to you. Stop beating yourself up. I know it's easier said then done. But you did things you weren't proud of...who hasn't. Try to recognize that you are not perfect and accept what you did. I think the only person you need to forgive is yourself here. Our behavior is a reflection of what's going on inside of us..and many of us put up concrete barriers to avoid pain. You did what you did and you can't do anything about it. Maybe you can try to write down why you think you did these things. Focus on what a good person you are, and how much you have learned from this relationship. Remember, God doesn't give us anything we can't handle. Hang in there. Carlita
Posted 4/8/2005 9:20 AM (GMT 0)
Darkcloud22:
I understand what you're going through. It's really hard to see your ex with another person and to see her at school. I just recently broke up with someone I have a class with. He hasn't moved on or anything yet. But picturing him with another girl just kills me. To me, our relationship seems so right. We have so much in common, we both understand what's it like having depression, we care so much about each other, etc. It was the perfect relationship that made anyone around us felt so jealous. Unfortunately, after 3 months he said to me, "we don't click". It just didn't make sense at all. I was lucky that I wasn't in love with him. A couple of months later we got back together to work things out. Everything seems right again. The same situation happened, "we don't click". About the 4th or 5th time we got back together, I have already fell in love with him. It has been like this for 1 year...on and off. I just feel like dying. Crying for days now. I'm hoping both you and I would get over this soon. And things will get better, hopefully.

CURLEY:
I was married to someone 2 years ago...We have a 2 year old and it was an unplanned pregnancy that's why we had to get married. he was abusive and disrespectful. When I asked for a divorce, he said he wanted full custody of our son because I have a serious mental illness. He's afraid for our kid. I'm not crazy. I have clinical depression, I have history of self-injury, and suicide attempt. I have a problem to myself but never once I beat up my child. The ugliest part was he tried to get me back, apologizing by touching me and trying to get me to sleep with him. I can't believe it. I pushed him away and he got mad.
Posted 4/8/2005 4:07 PM (GMT 0)
Well folks . . .

I wish I had some good advice . . . but I don't. I just want to wish you well and say that I think it is a huge step being able to identify and admit an action(s) that hurt someone else. Then being able to sincerely apolgize (when possible) and move on is huge step. I have to focus my energy on things that I DO have control over and move on . . . or else I use up my limited emotional energy trying to change something that is now out of my control. In other words . . . you learn from your mistakes, make appropriate changes in your behavior, and move on.

If that isn't working then counseling (or a respected friend to talk to) can be a great help to get a better perspective.

Blessings!
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