Totally unmotivated

Hey guys it's been awhile since I posted, probably like a week or so and that's a long time for me to not vent lately.  I started taking lexapro last week.  My current psychologist that I went back to would only accept me back if I agreed to speak with a psychiatrist that he works with.  In the past he told me that I needed medication to get better, something that I have always resisted against..(tried cymbalta and that did nothing for me so I wanted to try no meds).  It's my 5th or 6th day on lexapro and I just generally feel disinterested in everything.  The holidays made everything a lot worse for me too.

Seeing my family and friends all being happy together and joking around, confident, and just enjoying life.  And here I am dreading every minute of it.  Feeling totally lost, a shell of my former self, and not much strength left in me.  I've been fighting this for 2-3 years now.  I've tried the toughen it up and just keep going about your business method and it doesn't seem to work.  I'm currently in a job that I have no idea why I'm even there.  I went into a major depression/manic depression/severe anxiety mode 2 years ago while working in my fathers business.  I blamed everything on that and decided to leave in hopes of fixing how I was feeling.  It didn't work.

I don't want to do anything, I don't want to talk to anybody, I just want to feel better and be left alone.  Is that normal?  Am I slipping just further into depression?  My friends call me to hang out or to go and do something and I am really not interested at all.  I feel bad, but I can't handle the guilt o fhanging out with them.  Whenever I do I don't feel anything, I feel like I don't even know them, I feel like everything is fake and not really happening, I'm very confused and lost a lot.  So I just basically sit in my room and trying to wait this out and have the medicine start taking effect.  It's been a week and I guess they say it takes about 3-4 weeks to really get in your system.  In the meantime I'm just trying to hang onto my job for the benefits.  I'm extremely upset and struggle to just get through work everyday.

And sleep?  ha....I don't know what that is anymore.  I take a xanax at night to try and sleep and I maybe get 5-6 hours of sleep total a day and even if I do get tha tmuch, it's completely broken up.  2 hours here, wake up, 2 hours there, wake up.  When this all first started 2 years ago I didn't sleep for 6-7 days.  Really don't know what else to do anymore or where to turn.  I'm just trying to trust my doctor and do what he says because that seems to be my only option left.  On thanksgiving I struggled through just sitting at the dinner table for a half an hour and attempting to talk to my family.  After dinner we were going to go to my cousins house to go play poker, a tradition that we always do and something I used to love prior to all these issues.  I didn't even go.  I felt so out of it and confused and tired, I just stayed home by myself while my family went.  I'm 26 and although I try to be optomistic, I don't really see this getting much better.  What the hell is this?  I keep thinking the 6-7 days of never sleeping could possibly make me bipolar?  I brought it up to my doc but they never really gave me their opinion on it, they keep telling me it's just anxiety/depression.  Time to go lay down and watch some  more pointless TV because there's really nothing else I want to do at the moment.

You are not alone Mike. I have been severely depressed for 3 years now. Fifteen years total. I know what it is like to not want to do anything, and feel miserable every day. Try handling that while raising 2 small children. Having to put on a happy face while you feel like you are dying inside. I finally decided to go into the hospital. The structure will help. I found just meeting others with similar problems very helpful. Noone Wants to go into the hospital. But we always feel better when we get out. Just something to think about.

PLease give the meds some more time...and I would try to be a little more assertive w/ therapist...ask for testing, they have MMPI and other tests that will really narrow down your diagnosis and give you some answers.

The apathy, the numness, avoidance and insomnia are classic depression symptoms. The meds may creep up slowly and you'll notice 1 day you feel just a little better.

I just started cymbalta and am anxiously waiting too...let us know

Take care and hang in
Maggie

Thanks guys for the kind words. It is always reassuring to know that others either are in the same boat, or have once been in the same boat as you. I just am feeling completely lost and in a daydream. It's almost like deja vu really. But instead of feeling like this happened before, everything feels new and strange. That feeling is almost impossible to shake without adding anxiety and fear to the equation for me. I try taking care of myself by staying away from destructive things. I used to enjoy going out with friends on the weekends for a couple of drinks and it's something I have limited A LOT lately, actually this past weekend I didn't even go out at all in fear of having a drink. I knew how bad/low I was feeling and I knew that a couple of drinks wouldn't help the situation at all. It would probably only make it worse, or that was my fear anyway.

I just feel like it's hard to explain to my doc how it is I exactly feel? He asks what do I want to do? And I tell him all the stuff I would like to be able to do. I'd like to be able to feel "normal" again, to go and hang out with my friends without feeling strange/fake, to hang out with my family and actually enjoy it. To be able to gather up the strength to get back into a workout regiment, to muster up the courage to go back to the gym 4-5x a week. To be able to sleep. My god, sleep is the ONE thing I miss the most. I used to love my afternoon naps or just being able to go to bed at 8 or 9 pm sometimes and sleep straight through til the morning. I haven't done that in 2 years....

I really don't know how else to describe it besides that strange deja vu feeling all the time. Feeling as if I'm not actually in control of what's happening. And even though I want all these things and want to return to feeling good again, I just feel so out of it that I don't allow myself to act on any of my ideas. So I just lie in bed and watch pointless TV in hopes that the medicine will start working and I'll feel better. Still waiting. Thank you all for the support though and I'll keep you posted. I see my therapist tomorrow and I'll let you know how it goes. Although lately I don't really feel like I accomplish much there, I just wind up saying the same crap over and over and it doesn't really seem to get anywhere.