what to do? what to do? advice, long post

I've been married for almost 4 years (March 15, 2008). No the irony was not lost on us and please don't choose that date. Beware the Ides of March, for real. No, the actual day was wonderful and I was filled with so much love and joy I was sure it was forever.

Now, after 5 years of being together (yes, we had a short relationship before we got married-I know the ramifications of it, thank you), I feel so distant from him intimately. We haven't had sex in almost 2 years. Actually, right around the anniversary makes 2.

He is truly a wonderful man. But sadly, he is not for me. We are best friends. He does EVERYTHING for me. He washes my clothes. He cleans the house. He has been there and taken care of me after several surgeries and procedures. He goes beyond what I believe any man would. And definitely more than I deserve considering I haven given him anything in return in a sexual or truly intimate way. He hasn't complained once about us not having sex. At first, I didn't want to so soon after my brother died then I just didn't want to. Not with him.

I've told him more than once that I don't feel the way for him that a wife does or should for her husband. I've told him I feel as if he's my best friend. He replied with "I thought married couples were supposed to be best friends.." I replied that yes, they are. But that was all I felt for him and asked him if he had not felt the distance between us. He said he had, but we were married and he took vows "for better or worse." It tugged my heart and made me sad. He doesn't understand that not only do I not feel that way for him, but I don't even want to. Yes, I love him. Yes, I would love to be able to be happy with him. I know he'd be a good father. I know he'd remain a good husband. But I'm a very passionate person. In every aspect and he's not.

Excuse my frankness and free expression of a such personal matter, but he is a square in bed. I once tried to speak to him (no not regular conversation, but not expletives and s&m) and he told me I sounded like a wh***. "Really?" I said. "I'm your wife." "Yes but you sound like a wh***."

I was blown away. If he couldnt take me asking him a question, not even using vulgar language, well , what in the heck did this guy want?! I asked him what be liked. What he wanted me to do. He said he didn't know. I assumed, at first, that he was embarrassed to admit what he liked. So I.explained that I was his wife and I would not judge him and at least try whatever he liked. I wanted to please him. He was/is my husband, after all. Still, he said no I just don't know.

I know this may sound horrible, but I cannot live the rest of my life with a wonderful, caring, loving man who cannot satisfy me, in "that' way. I've tried and there is no compromise with him.

Ive already told him how I feel and he continues to make plans for us as if I'll be living here for at least several more years. How do you tell a man you love that you're leaving? How can I do this without making him feel like he's done something wrong? He hasn't. We just don't click on that level. We make the best of friends, but that's all. I know this has been extremely long but everyone, I need advice!!!!

Being alone is no fun, but being with a man you've tried, with no success, to love as a husband, isn't so fun either. I go to counseling. He doesn't want to go.

Well I will be going actual counseling by an.LCSW by January. I go to a psychologist right now. He asked me "so, how does it make you feel to think that you will be married to this man in..5 years?" My answer: sad. "10 years?" Really sad. "20 years?" Mortified.

I really don't think you understand, Karen. I know, I know. This sounds like a rash decision that I've put no effort into my marriage. I knew it wasnt always going to be easy. But for 3 years I've felt like my dreams have been dashed from me. Replaced by a life I don't want. He isn't controlling, as I said, he's a good man. But had influenced me to stay out of school and though he supported my final decision to go back, I know he fully believes in me failing.

My psychologist suggested I try this, that and the other thing. Which I've done. Talk, listen, tell him exactly how I feel. To no avail. So, he said that I should do a trial separation. That's what I'm trying to leave for. But he doesn't even talk about that.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, however, I have a friend who has been in almost an identical one. Him and his girlfriend of seven years had started dating when they were in college and moved in together immediately after school ended. They were each other's firsts sexually. They also were only having sex perhaps once every two to three months and neither were happy or satisfied.

They sought out couples counseling to discuss their sexual issues. Similar to what you have articulated, they really came to the conclusion that they were best friends. Both of them were devastated by the loss of their relationship, but having a healthy, functional, sexual relationship is par for the course (especially early within long term relationships).

I know both have experienced different sexual partners since their break up, which were partially more fulfilling (sexually yes, intimacy with your partner not so much).

If you already feel so bleak about your future, you are doing the right thing by taking steps to enlighten yourself to finding what you want. Perhaps couples counseling is worth a try? Perhaps after seeing the social worker for a bit you may also gain more clarity as to what you want. However, your feelings are appropriately normal. And especially in the area of sexuality, opening yourself up is so intimate and personal. I'm sorry that your husband has not supported you in this area. But you are doing the right thing.