Partner's Depression and Break Up

I'm in my late 20's and I have been battling depression for over a decade. Between going to therapy and being on various medications, I have been fairly successful in triumphing over this debilitating disease.

However, this past Fall I noticed I was falling into a minor slump and had been taking action to deal with this. I had alerted my boyfriend of six months to the issue, so he would be aware and supportive, but also wanted him to understand that this was not something he could solve.

Out of the blue a couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend broke up with me citing that he was unsure if I was "the one." He explained all of these conflicting feelings he was having and that he was going through a tough time himself. I was so taken by surprise and devastated that not much came in the way of discussion, and the next day he said he didn't want to break up. Through the subsequent weeks (with us both being out of town) we only saw each other a couple of times but spoke continually. Through our discussions, he realized that he was in the midst of a fairly significant depressive phase, to which he has never really experienced. He immediately went to the doctor to try and get on some medication, is trying some homeopathic methods and is supposedly going to therapy (as of now he has yet to go or make an appointment). While we had talked about taking things slowly and day by day (especially in regards to "our future") he decided that he needed to break up and work on this himself.

Needless to say I'm having such a difficult time with this because I sympathize with his situation and know I can be of great support to him. However, he has seemingly convinced himself that we needed to end. I explained that due to his decision in this matter, I would refrain from contacting him and he would perhaps ("I want to, but don't hold your breath") contact me at some point in the future.

I know how depression leads you to see things not as they necessarily are, but are distorted by this condition. I am incredibly saddened and depressed over this situation. I am mourning the loss of him in my life. However, I really don't want to lose him.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I am respectfully trying to find comfort and a way of not losing someone I love who I know is suffering from depression. Any wisdom or thoughts would be greatly appreciated and perhaps comforting.

Realgirl,

This situation is all too recent for me! Yes, I was in a similar situation. No, my ex and I don't speak anymore and it's one of the best things that could have happened to me. She entered a depressive phase back in June, but didn't address the situation until a breakdown in early September. After months of not knowing what her cause her behavior changes, it was somewhat of a relief it was depression. You know, depression can be worked through, so I was hopeful. She sought out medication & therapy, but after two weeks, decided that she needed to cut off communication because she was only "hurting me more".

It went on for 2 more months like that. Not hearing from her, but hearing from others that she missed and loved me; she constantly led me on to believe things would be ok. She went out of her way to inform my friends, relatives, old college professors... I'm telling you... EVERYONE. Yet still, she didn't talk to me. We met up one time and I saw again for myself what a mess she was. It was horrible to see her in that condition... and then to find out she quit meds & therapy. Wait a minute, what was going on?? I thought she was working on herself so she could again treat me well?? PSYCHE.

A lot of people would keep telling me to take care of myself. I joined the forum so I had others to talk to about this, hopeful that I would find someone to tell me everything would be ok. Everyone DID tell me that I would be ok & to focus on myself. I didn't even know where to start! I have always put others before myself and I found that I didn't even know what made me happy anymore. That was even more horrible... I was so upset that someone I dated for two years was depressed that for about 6 months, I really neglected what I needed. I started therapy again in September (when she first left) but I don't think I even started talking about myself until December. Of course, I talked about how hurt I was in the relationship... I was so overwhelmed it seemed like nothing would be ok. I sent her cards, letters, inspirational quotes... how could she continue to be so cruel to me?? It wasn't until I found out she was dating a new girl that she works with that I really saw the situation for what it was-- A BREAKUP. I'm not saying that is what your situation is, because yes, depressed people really struggle with just getting through the basic actions of the day, much less making sound decisions. I am only 22 (as is my ex), nearly 23. Her new girlfriend just turned 19!!! yowza. I have two degrees, completed an undergrad thesis, and have a sound job. This girl barely graduated highschool, was kicked out of her house, and waits tables. Now, at 19, I was doing the same thing... waiting tables. But it was to get me to a better place. My point is that I realized a lot and although the situation really really sucked, I'm so much better off. I'm not interested in women in the first place, yet I dated one for 2 years.

Needless to say, I have discovered a lot about myself and I think I'm only about 30% through my journey. I JUST started having fun, but I still have some traumatic events to get straight in my head.

I'd really like to stay updated on your situation. If you'd like, you can e-mail me. It may seem like you are lost and won't ever make it through, but trust me... you WILL. It gets better, so much better than you ever knew! For both of you, this will build who you are as a person. You never know what the future holds for either of you, but know that it is good and we care.

Courtney

Hi there,

It sounds like you have a very healthy attitude with this situation. You have things under control and feelings in check. So you will make it. Depression is hard, whether it is us or somebody that we love. But taking care of us is top priority.

I am glad you seem to be seeing the situation objectively, it gets you somewhere faster. Keep on keeping on. One day at a time.

Hugs, Karen