Aaaargh!!!

It has been a long time since i have been on here. I am currently on school holidays and have been since the 7th of December. I am back on the 2nd of Feb. Now, ALOT has happened in a short space of time and i am sick to death of EVERYTHING and im ready to jump off a blimin cliff so here it all goes.. (Sorry, its going to be long!)

Just before xmas at the start of Dec, i went down to Wellington because everything was getting too much for me in Auckland and i needed a break. It wasn't much of a break though. Nana was going through a very very bad patch and she was in hospital as she was vommtiitng, falling over, feeling dizzy and was not keeping up with her fluids. I was going back and forth from the hospital and it was really hard seeing nana in such a state. She was very very happy to see me as i was for her, although, it broke my heart! She got discharged after a couple of weeks and had weekly visits as well as daily home visits to her house. She was and still is getting injections every day and ever week she goes into hospital to get poison into her. She has a bag and looks awful. Christmas was especially hard because it will be her last. Its only a matter of time now and im always worried when the phone rings that its "the" phonecall.

I have been getting into ALOT of arguments with the family. Mostly mum, my brother and his girlfriend. I have made up with my brother and his girlfriend after months of abusive txts, phonecalls and emails but am still at war with mum. My nephew was born on 07.01.2012 at 2:13am and his full name is Lucas Francine Read. I have only seen him in photos which breaks my heart because already i have sooo much love for that child and i cannot hold him in my arms and tell him that. I want to see him but at the same time, i cannot be too pushy and all that.

My aunty came up a week ago to talk to me about HIM and things like taht as she too was abused as a child. During our talk, i told her alot of things i had never ever told anyone and i thought at the time it was good for me and i felt alot better for doing so. However, that night, i couldnt sleep and i just cried. I had bought alot more things up thats i had blocked out before and i was just more upset and it gave me more to think about. She only stayed for one night before she left again becaus eshe has two kids. That was not good for me cuz i was left with no on to talk to and all these feelings and thoughts but i had no who i felt comfortable sharing them with. For the next 3 days after that, i stayed in my room and cried. I came out for meals which was about 2 and a bit hours in total. My aunty was texting me and asking me if i was ok and i blurteed out things that i shouldnt have like, "no, im crap. I cant sleep, ive got headaches, sore stomachs, my mussles are achey and i feel like jumping off a bridge". Of course, that got her very worried so she phoned my dad and told him. He left it for that night the the next morning he went to work and my stepmum came into my rooma nd had a go at me and told me to not be soo mopey and that i have to stop expecting things to get better overnight because realistically, they aren't. She then started to cry and told me that i need to start talking about things more because im closing myself up and im gettoing everyone more and more worried that because of past things i have done, they are afraid that if im left to shut myself out from everyone for too longm i will end up taking my own life. That got me really upset seeing how sad she and my dad were so i put on my "happy mask" and now they think everything is allgood. I have put on weight, then lost it, then put it on and so forth.

I feel like absolute crap and i want to go and jump off a bridge or something like that. Im over everything and i feel sooo sad and upset. I feel more and more guilt every day for everything especiially the end result of HIM!!! I feel guilty for the pain and heartbreak my dad and stepmum feel because they feel helpless towards me because they dont know how to make me better. I feel guilty for everything that has gone down. I just want to get away from everything, but i hhave no where to go. No one wants me. Im worthless. Im a nobody and im stupid and pathetic. I feel so empty and numb. Things aren't going to get any better. If they were going to, it wouldve happened by now. No one understands me and im sick of being so alone in this screwed up world. I hate life, i dont see the point in it. Call me selfish for wanting to end mine, but what are the options? I have tried so much. There is nothing out there for me. Like my mother said, im a waste if space and a liar. Im sick of all this crap. 1 step foward, 100 backwards. Whats the point!? Everyone keeps telling me how much i have changed and they are saying they dont really know me anymore. The truth is, i dont know myself anymore.

Me.

This is Kitt and I am here to tell you that you cannot change the past,  telling someone sooner may not have changed the final outcome so please do know that you are not alone as many of us here in the forum have gone through what you have. Do not heap any more blame on yourself - in fact start changing your thinking.

So many precious lives have been ruined or tragically shortened by unfounded or hideously distorted feelings of guilt and worthlessness.  An obvious factor in self-blame is that hindsight allows you to see things you might have been able to do to avoid the horrible experience. The key point, however, is that only the offender knew where this was leading.

To be healed and freed from the oppressive burden of blame, I feel you  need to stop blaming yourself and work through your problems with the help of the people who love you as well as a therapist .  Do not deny your family the opportunity to help you and trust that we here care for you and want to help you to.

We want you to be well Jess and I believe you want to be well.  Remember we know where you are coming from and what you are going through so reach out my young friend to the people who want to help.

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt

Hey Kiddo,

I can see what you are trying to do, you are trying to push us away but it's not working as we care about you.  I have told you many times, I want you to learn from my mistakes.  Do you know how much one session is with a counseller when you have to pay for it as an adult?  It can range up to $400 for an hour and who has that kind of money each week.  That's the mistake I made, I didn't accept the help when I was your age, but I wish I did.  Now I can't afford that kind of expense, so I carry my issues within me.

When I told you you are sensitive and feel things deeply, you have demonstrated that.  Remember, feelings are unreliable.

As for this being your fault, consider this.  If you had a neice, and she was 5, and she was being interferred with by an adult male, would you want to beat up the five year old, or the adult that betrayed her?  You were once that five year old Jess.  And if that five year old found the guts to tell her Mother, and the Mother didn't believe her, who would you be angry with?  You were that five year old Jess.  And as the neice grows, and is able to find the words and the courage to speak out as a Teen, and everyone beleived her except for the Mum, who would you be angry at Jess, the neice or the Mum?  So answer me this, who's fault is it?  That five year old girl that went through so much and lived in fear for many years until she could get away, or the adults that betrayed and didn't protect her?  Drop the guilt party Jess, see it for what it is. 

Do you remember I told you once you were in a safe enviroment, strong emotions that you have had to keep down all those years you were living at home would come up?  This is what is happening, and the emotions are huge and overwhelmning to deal with.  I will be really proud if you keep that Monday appointment Jess, perhaps print off this thread and take it with you, so you have a good starting base and the person helping you has a very clear picture as to where you are at.

Jess, I am really proud of the fact that you have not sugar coated things with us, you have been truthful and honest in how you feel, even though you thought we would all turn away from you.  No-one did kiddo cause you are worth sticking by, we all see your value.  You will eventually be able to take this owful time in your life and use it to help other kids once you have matured, remember the dream kiddo, you told us about it once.

Mscrow, I can't yet read your post, I skimmed it and will go back to it, but I deeply thankyou for bravely sharing your experiences, I am humbled and honoured, you are in the warrior women club.

Jess, I know you are likely to be in bed now as it is 2330 in NZ, I always seem to miss your day posts as I work nights, but you have a good day kiddo, hope you find some clarity through the fog.

Hey, I will be in Aucks in five weeks, but late at night, arrive at 10pm, and next flight out is 0130hrs, ask Dad if he can bring you into the airport, 16th Feb.  I will be with another firend that is terminal, but we can all grab a coffee together with Dad as well, whatcha reckon Kiddo?