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Posted 1/10/2012 8:55 PM (GMT 0)
It sounds like what you need most is to hear from other people who have been through it and how they came to terms with it. Have you ever been to a support group of other people who have been through this experience? Forcing you to talk to a psychologist, in my opinion, will only add to your stress since you do not want to talk. But attending a support group is different - even if you don't want to talk, you can sit and just listen to others tell their stories and how they got through it. It would provide you with some hope that you CAN get through it. But no one will lie to you - it will be very hard and take time to heal. You are too young to say you will be this way forever. As you age and gain more independence over your life and decisions, things will get better. But you need to spend time working on your emotional needs now so you can be better when that time comes.

7/8 is still very, very young and you should not have known at that age what to do or what was happening. You were too young and no young child will know what to do in that kind of situation. Blaming yourself is not helping anyone - not you, your father, your family or friends. There is no need to blame anyone anymore because it is in the past. What you need to do now is look at your present and future and do what you need to in order to overcome this.
Posted 1/10/2012 9:19 PM (GMT 0)
We are still here and will be as long as you inssist you had some responsibility in this terrible tragedy. You were 7!!! You are completely at the mercy of authority figures at that age...you do not know how to say no, you do not know it is wrong...you cannot possibly be to blame honey

We want soo much for you to be you, the beautiful, strong funny girl enjoying these crazy teen years...all I can say is you will be in my special prayers tonite...a mother's prayers for a very special child

maggie
Posted 1/10/2012 10:37 PM (GMT 0)
I had to urgently get off the laptop so i didnt get to finish my reply.

Jim1969:
I am not telling a lie. I am facing the truth. And its getting harder day by day especially still having contact with HIS son and niece. I dont see how im even living with myself knowing all the stress and stuff i have put many through. Sure, HE was the adult and i was the child. BUT i could have still spoke up, even at that age. We had people come into our school to do talks about that sort of stuff. I could have told someone then. I knew what i shouldve done, even though i was young. Truth is, i just kept telling myself i'll do it by the end of the term, i'll do it by the ned of the year and so forth. I never got around to doing it and what happened? The abuse got worse and worse. And what did i do about it? NOTHING! If i had told early on, then the abuse would not have got to the extent that it did.

Mscrowbar:
I am so terribly sorry for what your mother did. That is horrible and she should have said something about it. I am sorry about her passing too. You are so kind and caring and strong and brave. You are a survivor and an inspiration. Thank you.
Posted 1/10/2012 10:43 PM (GMT 0)
Alaskah:
I dont want to go to any support group. I am not a victim. I dont deserve to be treated like one. I have done many wrongs. More wrongs than rights. I have done soooo much crap in the 14 years i have lived and if i had one wish. Just one. It would be that i die and that everyone forget me.

Maggie:
I did know what to do. I dont know why i didnt do what was right. But i know that it has not only cost me, but many others alot. Including ones life. All due to me not opening up. I am not beautiful. I cant even stand to look in the mirror anymore. I hate what is see. Im not strong. Im weak. And i continue to get weaker by the day.

Im being all "happy happy joy joy" around dad and my stepmum. I dont want to screw them up too. Dont think thats going to last long AT ALL! :'(
Posted 1/10/2012 11:09 PM (GMT 0)
Jess honey,

Can't you see how many people care about you? The only fair thing for you to do is try to care about yourself. We see you as a young innocent human being. Don't refuse the help that is being provided to you. Talk to the lady, it will do you good. You have to get it out and the sooner the better. Even sharing the little that you do here helps you. You will see that soon. Know that we love and do care...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/10/2012 11:10 PM (GMT 0)
If you truly believe you have done so many wrongs, it is never too late to start correcting them and make a new life for yourself. Forgive people from your past, make things right with people you've wronged, and start doing good. Volunteering in your community would be a great way to give back to other people and make yourself feel good. You have a long life ahead of you, which means you have a long time to change and be the person you want to be. But only you can decide to do that. What do you want for your life? Are you willing to work to achieve that goal? Who do you need in your life to help you achieve that goal? What actions must you take? We are here to help you with some of these questions, as are your family, friends, and counselors.
Posted 1/10/2012 11:42 PM (GMT 0)
I dont want a new life.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 1/10/2012 4:48:42 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/10/2012 11:54 PM (GMT 0)
Jess,

You are not a liar, however many abuse victims feel shame because they feel they could have prevented the crime against themselves. When an adult harms a child it is always the adults fault.  I do bleieve that the wonderful members of this forum want you to heal from this horrific ordeal.  Many of us are parents so if you are right about being a liar that makes all of us wrong.  And sweetie I don't think all of us could be so far off base. 

You need a therapist because she is an expert in her field. When you become sick, you also see a doctor who identifies your illness and prescribes you pills. The medication does your healing. Healing from intrafamilial sexual abuse is different in two important aspects. The right "pills" are in your mind, and your mind is not working right. This is why you need a therapist. She will lead you through your treatment, explain things to you, and help you resolve your traumatic experience. She is not there to judge.  She is there to help you know matter what your feeling.

 

It sounds like your Dad is very concerned about you so please talk to the therapist like you do to us. You may think you are able to fool your Dad and stepmom about how your feeling but I suspect they have picked up on telltale signs. I have maintained a happy face for so long that I can recognize when someone else is doing the same thing. 

 

Sending you many gentle hugs,

 

Kitt



Posted 1/11/2012 12:10 AM (GMT 0)
I am not a victim. I am horrible. I am a liar. I have screwed so many peoples lives. I have broken so many hearts. I am a loser. I am ugly. I am pathetic. I am stupid. I am weak. I am a b*@#h. I am guilty. I feel like crap. I dont want to live. There is only one thing keeping me alive. One thing. That one thing is a life. That one thing is my nephew. Born 07.01.2012. Lucas Francine Read. That one thing i havent seen yet and wont be able to. I am hurting. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate what ive done. I hate seeing others hurt. But thats all i can seem to do. I want to run. I have no where to go. I have no one who understands. I have no reason. I have no purpose. Im here. But im not alive. I dont feel it anyway. I feel llike im just awake. I dont call this living though. I do nothing. I dont feel motivated to do anything. Im all alone. I cry. And cry. And cry. Nothing gets solved. Ive lost everything. I've lost my brother, my sister, my best friend, my stepfather, my mother and my nephew. Im going to loose me grandmother and great nana soon. I have no faith. I have no hope. I dont see tthe point. I just wake up and breathe. Thats my life. Im lost. Im angry. Im upset. Im sad. Im hurt. Im unhappy. No one can see that. All they see is what i portray. A happy person. But im not. I dont need help. I dont want help. I want to be left. I want to be normal. I dont want to be hurt anymore. I am hurt enough and have been hurt too much in my life. :'(
Posted 1/11/2012 12:59 AM (GMT 0)
Sweet Jess,

You are feeling this way because you are depressed. And for what you have been through, it is no wonder. I know you are angry and you have every right to be. And same with being upset. Of course you are sad and hurt. You are seeing others that have gotten hurt and that bothers you. It is hard to put on that face everyday. Let it out. Let your psychologist lady know how you feel.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/11/2012 1:09 AM (GMT 0)
Sadly it is very rare for young children to come forth and report abuse they are suffering. It is even more rare when that abuse is being inflicted on them by someone they are living with.

Most of the cases you hear about in the news of young kids being rescued from their abuser are not because the kid spoke up but because some sharp eyed adult noticed something was wrong and was able to get the right people in to find out just what really was going on. It is only after a lot of very gentle support that the kids are finally able to talk about what is/was being done to them.

When a person is born they know only what their instincts tell them. They have no abilities beyond the instinctual. They can not reason. It is only as a person grows that their instincts are supplemented and to an extent replaced by the ability to reason, but this is a long process that really lasts well into adulthood. At 7 years old, and even at 10 or 12, a child is still operating mainly on instinct. Yes they can reason to an extent but for the most part they will go with their instincts.

One of the strongest instincts for a child, especially a young child, is to be part of some kind of a family unit. A child who has one will do what s/he can to protect that unit out of fear of losing it. This can mean not telling anyone about the bad things that are going on at home even if they know what is happening is wrong. Also when the abuse starts early enough, is regular enough that to a certain point it becomes normal. Yes they see how other people's families are and wish theirs is like that and they may know on some level that what is going on in their own family is not really normal, but because it has happened for so long it is their "normal".

Right now you are looking back on the 7 year old you were with a more mature set of eyes. You have a more defined sense of right and wrong now and your overall needs, views, etc are a lot different now than they were and you are thinking that the 7 year old you were had or should have had the same mental and emotional abilities you have now.

If you were to meet a 12 year old and learned that she had been abused since she was 6 or 7 but never spoke up about it would you honestly tell her that it was all her fault? Would you tell her that she was not the victim but a willing participant?
Posted 1/11/2012 4:05 AM (GMT 0)
OK! I get it now. I get that i was young and all that. Its just that my whole life, i have been blamed for everything and i have grown up believing that everything is my fault. I HATE putting all blame on everyone else because i know how it feels. And i hate it. But i would rather have me suffer than watch others around me fall. I still feel guilty, but i understand where you guys are coming from. Its just hard for me. I thought everything was meant to be getting easier, but it isn't. I just want everything to be "normal", but its not going to be for a while. They say time is a healer. I disagree. I believe time is a killer. It's the whole "waiting" game that i hate. I just feel so much pain and sadness, yet i feel so numb. But then again, i really dont know anymore. Ive just got to a point where nothing else matters. :'(
Posted 1/11/2012 10:57 AM (GMT 0)
Time is a healer, it is just so gradual you don't see it until it happens. But this is such a delicate situation and it is going to take time. But in the meantime, you have us to be there for you and make it a little easier. You will get through this Jess, and it will make you strong. Don't give up hon. Know that so many of us love and care about you. We want to see you happy again.

Take care sweetie,

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 1/11/2012 1:03 PM (GMT 0)
Well done Jess, Looks like you have had a break through on a few issues.   It is all new learning for you, and I am pleased you have listen to what other people have said.   With guilt, it is one off those feelings that can be mis-guided.   Sometimes people do feel guilty for a wrong they have caused, and other times, people can regret the consequences even though they did the right thing.   Many people use a feeling of misguided guilt or worthlessness as weapons against themselves without even realizing it.   I think Jess this is what is going on for you at the moment; it is the consequences that you are struggling to deal with.   You know you did the right thing in speaking out, but what has happened for the people around you is what you are regretting.     How ever a person chooses to react to any situation, is completely out of your control, there is nothing you can do about how they process things.   All you really have any control over is yourself.     Can you let us know how you get on after Mondays appointment.   It would be helpful to know what strategies the physiologist gives you, so we can support you which will give you continuity of feedback
Posted 1/11/2012 2:29 PM (GMT 0)
Dear Jess,

It is not about blame.  It is about healing.  In order to be happy, healthy, and have peace of mind in life you need to not only live one day at a time…you need to learn to stay in the moment.

It’s easy to get stuck in a loop of old memories. You may want to move away from them but there is a feeling there that brings them back over and over. So you need to decrease the power that feeling has over you. And you don’t do it by fighting it. You do it by surrendering to it.

You will learn how to do this through therapy and many hours of hard work.  Please know you have my support and prayers always.

Gentle Hugs,

Kitt
Posted 1/11/2012 4:08 PM (GMT 0)
Jess, I could have told before I did too. But I did not. Why? Because I loved my father and his "distorted, sickened" love was all I knew. I wanted his love. I needed his love. To me, at my young age, this love was better than no love. I couldn't stand the thought that if I didn't let him do these things to me he would not want me and leave me. Jess the only reason I felt this way is because HE made me believe it. He would tell me he loved me and this was his special way to show it and that it was a secret love. It was a secret love that no one else would understand. And on so many levels this was very true. It will take a long time for everyone involved to come to terms with this malicious act.
Jess, would it have made any difference if you had come forward with this at 7 or even 10? at any age really? Probably not. He still would have taken the cowards way out and there would still be people that may not believe you. Its the crime and the unbelievibility of it that is hard for some. After all things like this cannot happen in their family, right. This stuff only happens to other people.
But, Jess, this did happen and its terrible. You have to lean on those around you that love you and support you. Trust those that believe you and want to help you. Learn how to cope with this awful knowledge. Learn how to get past it. Find a way to become a new and better you. Let others involved fight their own deamons, you cannot do it for them.
Posted 1/11/2012 5:51 PM (GMT 0)
Dearest Jess,

I don't know you but have been reading your posts. I could no longer keep my mouth shut. So here goes....

Honey you have been through a great deal of abuse in your young life and I can relate to you. I myself was abused by my own father when I was very young until the age of 13. It began as I can recall around the age of 2-3 years old. I am very proud of you ! You had the courage to tell someone, that is something that I could never do. I was afraid of what it might do to the rest of my family. I am now 45 years old and just now dealing with all of the bottled up feelings that I have lived with all my life ( not easy ). I lost my mother 2 years ago and I just recently lost my dad the end of october. Now I have very guilty feelings , and have many unanswered questions. I think about things like , did he also abuse my brothers, was he abused himself, did somebody else suffer the abuse of my father and could I have stopped it if I had had the courage to tell someone ? These are all questions that I will probably never know. You have made several comments like you have no hope, no faith, you are hurt , you are angry and that nobody can see that. I CAN !!! You also have said that you don't need help and you don't want help! That honey is the biggest untruth. You are in fact crying out for help, and that is what you need. I have a 10 year old daughter jess and it breaks my heart to hear you go back and fourth with your feelings. Honey, you need to talk to somebody because none of this is your fault!!!! You need to make the decision to be HAPPY !!! You are very young and still innocent, despite what you might think. You cannot let what has happened to you rule your life and define who you are . You MUST believe that you are worthy of a great and fullfiling life. You need help to get there, but I know you can!! If you give up and don't seek help, I'm sorry to tell you this, but he wins. Don't let him win. With that said Jess, you keep your chin up and make the decision to be HAPPY !!!! Here for you honey !!

Blessings, Michelle
Posted 1/11/2012 6:46 PM (GMT 0)
Jess,

There is only one person that you really need to admit the real total truth too and make understand whose fault it really was and that is yourself. Yes it would be nice to have some validation and vindication from those "closest" to you, but at the end of the day it is what we tell ourselves that truly makes all the difference.

Yes time can heal all wounds, but emotional wounds, like physical ones won't heal as long as you pick at them and keep them open and raw, and also like physical wounds if they are severe enough they are not going to heal right without the help of someone who knows how to treat them.

Sadly my friend what you have been through is like, in the sense of a physical wound, being bit by a shark or other huge animal with really sharp teeth. You have survived the attack and now it is time to get put back together.

It won't be easy and quite honestly there will be times it will be painful, but what you have been through and are going through right now isn't easy either and we all can see the pain you are in. The good news though is that if you seek out help and really work at it the pain will go away and you will be able to happy and normal and enjoy all the things a happy and normal life has to offer.

Jess, I know that people who have had the same trauma you have endured can truly heal. I have seen it happen. When I was 16 I knew a girl who was 15 at that time and she could have written your story. She was molested by not only her step-father but by 2 uncles as well from the time she was 5 until she was 13. The only reason it stopped is that all 3 went hunting one day and stopped off at a bar on the way home and got drunk and then proceeded to run off the road, hit a tree and all 3 were killed. For some reason she trusted me enough to tell me what had happened to her and I was able to convince her to go and get help. Today she is married, just celebrated her 19th anniversary a couple of months ago, and has 3 kids ranging in age from 9-15.

I think you have already taken a good first step towards healing by seeking out some understanding and support here. Please do not stop at this. Take that next step and any and all steps after that no matter how hard they may seem. You have already been through the worst and you do deserve an honest chance to be anything and everything you truly want to be.
Posted 1/11/2012 7:45 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you. Im all better now. No more yuk feelings. All happy. Dont need to worry about me now guys.
Posted 1/11/2012 8:50 PM (GMT 0)
Jess, I'm not buying your last comment, nor are you getting rid of us !!!!
We are here if you need us !!!

Blessings, Michelle
Posted 1/11/2012 8:58 PM (GMT 0)
It's true. Im almost back to normal noow. I will never be totally normal, but this is the best i will get and i love it. I love life!
Posted 1/11/2012 9:06 PM (GMT 0)
Jess, did you notice some common denominators here?

1) did you notice that just about every story starts with a young girl between the ages of 3-7?

2) did you notice that just about every story ends with a girl near or about 13?

Do you know why? Because child molesters like "little" girls. They like the innocence, the flawless skin, and the ability to control the situation. Statistically most molestations stop when the girl reaches pubertyy. Why? Because its around this time that girls develop into young women. Its also about this age that we come to understand the difference between love and
Posted 1/11/2012 9:16 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry, writing by phone

Its at this age when we learn the difference between love and wrongful sex. So you see, he would have sought out a new victim. You were not that little girl anymore. You saved another young girl from enduring what you did. You did a good and brave thing. You, and others involved just don't know it yet. Just as it is taking you time to come to terms with it, it will for them too.

An jess, this does not happen over night or over a few posts. It will take time. Right now you have to work out the guilt and then the anger. Write in a journal. Keep notes of your feelings, the good and the bad. Concentrate on the good. Keep posting. We are great listeners. And Jess, we care. I care.
Posted 1/11/2012 9:19 PM (GMT 0)
Ok, i haven't told anyone this. But in this case, he wasn't going too let me "growing up" affect what he did to me. There was more coming. I saw it. One of the many reason i moved out of that house. The abuse dropped alot, then all of a sudde, it started to escalate more. He would have kept going. Thats all im going to say.
Posted 1/11/2012 10:21 PM (GMT 0)
See Jess, you did the right thing. There was more to come. This recognition is good. You should be seeing your therapist soon. Let her help you to deal with this and then move on. You are a bright person. You have a lot to offer the world. You have compassion, experience. You could (and probably already did) help other young girls your age are otherwise.

What you went through is horrific. But you are going to get stronger and you really will have a happy life. Right now it is hard. We all know that. Many of us have experience what you are going though and we know it takes time to get better. It certainly doesn't happen over night. But it will happen. And we are here to help you along if you need us.

Take care sweet Jess,

Hugs, Karen
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