Trying to remain optomistic

Hey everyone,

Have been a tad quiet lately. Things haven't been going especially

well. Alot of recent stress...too much really. Stress and anxiety

wreck havoc on my body. Have been having alot of shakiness

and heart racing. Fighting very hard to control it and not go into

a full blown panic attack. Trying deep breathing and coping skills

I've learned. It's just hard because this time I can't turn to

pills to calm me down. Have a history of abusing benzo's and

will never go down that path again. So now I have to manage it

by sheer will and mind. Hard to do.

Was supposed to have my first therapy appointment today but it

was cancelled due to the snow. Oddly, I was a bit relieved.

Have been very nervous that maybe she will probe too far and

send me into a complete break-down. Am going back into therapy

very causiously but I know I need it.

Relationship with my Mother is fractured beyond repair. She has

also been contributing to much of my anxiety lately. Have made

the decision and this time I will stick with it, that I cannot have

her in my life anymore. She is too detrimental to me.

She is very unwell and off her meds again (this will be about the

50th time in 30 yrs)

She always thinks it's a miracle and she's been healed.

My two brothers and I suffered through the consequences of this

one too many times. I have reached the end of my rope with her.

This time I'm sure I mean it. Guilt has been the overiding factor

each time but I just can't do it anymore.

I'm up to my eyeballs in as much as I can take and my health is

suffering as a result.

I don't normally share so much. I'm a private person. Guess I

just had nowhere to put all of these feelings.

Spirits are suprisingly pretty good still, feel that I am coping

fairly well, just this feeling of constant tension and unease that

won't leave my body.

Thanks for reading.

Hope everyone is doing well or at least better than me at the

moment lol :)

thank you for being brave in sharing. the therapy route is a very important one-remember that you are in control of the session. we are here for you daisy76. one day at a time my friend. take care of you. slow and steady is the way to go. keep being strong, we care. with much healing compassion, jamie

Thank you Jamie!!
I'll remember what you said and keep taking it one day at a time.
Thank you for your support!

Thank you Karen,
Sorry you had to go through that too.
Almost every therapist I've seen has told me that I might have to do this for my own sanity. Problem is, neither of my brothers have anything to do with her and I've always felt like I had to or she would mostly have noone.
But when she stops her meds, it just brings back all the stress and feelings of helplessness I had as a child. I was powerless and had no voice. I waited for my step-father to step in, for her sake and on our behalf because we were children and were helpless. But no, he was afraid of her anger, afraid of her leaving and him being alone (co-dependant) and he did nothing. Acted as if it were all normal. I've grown to hate him. Maybe I don't really mean it and I'm just so angry I can't see strait, but I blame him for how bad she got, how much her illness progressed because of her erratic behavior with taking meds.
We had a screaming battle on the phone last week over this. As usual, he said she's fine, she doesn't need them. Wouldn't listen to a word I was saying, I began to tell him I held him responsible as the "sound minded" adult in the situation, that he didn't step in on her behalf as she clearly is not capable of making these decisions on her own. He told me that was
baloney, wouldn't listen. I was a child again-voiceless and totally powerless.
Told him I'd have nothing further to do with either of them until she was back on her meds and hung up the phone.
But then I thought about it. I'll just go through this in another year or two again anyway. And that's when I decided I was done.
Anyway, thanks for listening. Didn't expect to ramble on like this. Have just been holding it all in so long now.
One question though, it hasn't yet, but when it does creep back in, what do I do about the feelings of guilt?
See, just writing all this I'm shaking again and on the verge of tears.
Guess I'll go do some deep breathing and relaxation. Thanks for listening and responding.

Thank you Karen,
You're right. I will get stronger as time goes by.
One day at a time is my new mantra :)
Thank you for your support. Hope you are doing well.

Thank you Karen :)
Hugs to you too!!