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My Life, By Beagleman... continued...

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Depression
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Posted 1/15/2012 2:05 PM (GMT 0)
I think people will be interested in how things progress Stephen.  I imagine a lot read but don't post, so let's continue this at least one more time.  I am so happy for you.  I see that you are already staying true to Flora.  That is awesome, but if for some reason things don't work out between the two of you, you know now that there are options in life.  And chances.  You have put yourself out there and got good results.  That is fantastic, because it doesn't always happen that way.  You made a go with your first few tries.  I hope you and Flora have some wonderful times together.  One day at a time still...  Keep posting...

Hugs, Karen

Posted 1/15/2012 2:55 PM (GMT 0)
Stephen,
I am so happy for you for all of your recent accomplishments!!
I wish you the best with Flora, she sounds like a wonderful person. Keep us posted.
So happy to hear that you're meeting friends also :)
Keep up the great work!
Posted 1/15/2012 6:56 PM (GMT 0)
I have been following your progress Stephen and you are certainly making progress. Your posts are quite uplifting. Keep on keeping on and you will be going places, that is for sure.

Suzane
Posted 1/16/2012 8:28 PM (GMT 0)
Hello all, for those who dont know me I am Stephen, I am 49, single and last week for the first time in my life I had a date with a wonderful woman. A lot of my posts were about lonliness, depression, zero self esteem, I am slowly getting better.

My sister asked me last me yesterday the question about how long I think I have been posting on this site. I guessed 12 months or more. When she told me 2 to 3 months I could not believe it, it has felt so long. My depression has been so intense it seems like it has been forever, I am starting to see a light at the end of a tunnel, I deserve this, I have done so much work and tried so hard, I am ready to accept hapiness.

You know, I didnt think constructing my self esteem would be so hard, trying so hard I would reject any positive no matter what I did. Last year was a year of action, the same again this year plus so much more, hapiness, love, hope. Remember, never give up, thoughts can change, when you feel down know also there will be a time when you feel happy and be inspired by me, any one who has read my old posts would know I was very distressed and total despair. Thanks everyone, i will keep posting and let everyone know how I go with Flora, and also how I go with getting new friends in my church.
Posted 1/16/2012 10:30 PM (GMT 0)
Awesome Stephen!! Keep up the great work you are doing!!

Suzane
Posted 1/16/2012 11:44 PM (GMT 0)
We are all so proud of you Stephen. Remember, one day at a time. You have come a long ways.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/17/2012 9:24 PM (GMT 0)
Hello karen, feeling uncertainty, I rang Flora last night and there was no answer. In the past I have been let down by woman who simply dont answer me on the phone, instead of having the decency to say they are no longer interested. If my intuition is correct I think Flora would tell me staight out she is no longer interested so I will try and ring again tonight.

I am looking forward, and each day trying to keep my self esteem moving up. What is certain i am making more friends through my church Hillsong, I intend to treasure and nurture this. I know I have been lacking nurturing and love very much in my adult life, this is why I desire so much a partner. I know I will be sucessful as I have so much to offer, my love for others is very strong, Flora could see this and if others are like me and want to get love and give love they will be very happy with me.

Also with each day I feel stronger with god, I am starting to eliminate negative thoughts, I guess I still am rejecting positives. When my psychologist says well done I cringe, I still have much to learn. I will keep posting, I still have bad days, but I know I am getting much better. Thanks so much to all for believing in me.
Posted 1/17/2012 10:41 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Stephen,

I think you are thinking very wisely. And I am sure that Flora was out or something. Did you leave her a message? I am sure you will get ahold of her next time. Things like that happen. It does sound like if there was a problem, she would be the type of person to tell you. I hope the two of you continue the friendship.

I think we all have issues with accepting positive thoughts at times. It is so hard with depression. We all strive to feel better than we do. And there are always going to be a not so good day here and there. But we want mostly good days.

Keep up the fantastic work. You have come a long ways. I am very happy for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/17/2012 10:54 PM (GMT 0)
I am too Stephen. It's been incredible to watch your journey through this and you've come really far!
I know it's not easy, but try not to think the worst. I think if she weren't interested, she would be strait forward about it. Keep us posted. I love seeing your progress.
Posted 1/18/2012 9:34 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Everyone, thanks to all for your continued encouragement. I did get in contact with flora tonight. She has been busy and was unable to answer my call. Ok she is happy to go out with me on Friday and we are seeing a movie friday night. I am really happy about this but I know I am having issues with my low self esteem thinking I will be rejected all the time. I must say when I am around flora, I feel much more relaxed and confident. I know I still have issues with my self esteem and depression, but I guess when I get more friends and more confidence hopefully I will feel more worthwhile.

So today I was feeling very depressed. I know I cannot rely on Flora or anyone else to boost my confidence but I do know that I was very much lacking love which Flora was able to give me. I know I feel strong love for Flora but I am not ssssure what feelings she has for me. Anyway I am going to enjoy the time with her and thank god for the gift to me.
Posted 1/18/2012 12:48 PM (GMT 0)
Move slow with this relationship. don't rush anything. I truly hope you two enjoy the movie. That sounds fun... You have really come a long way Stephen. I am so happy for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/19/2012 10:10 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Karen, hello all, I do feel I have come a long way in a short time. I am going to take things slowly with Flora. She is in a position of change, she is unhappy with her work and i believe she is looking for another job. her work role is a case manager for an employment provider and unfortunately she is required to breach people on unemployment and she tells me she is more empathetic and caring person and it goes against her nature.

about myself I still have alot of swing in my moods, but I feel i am much better and more positive. Most importantly I am proactive and taking action. Here is something that happened to me yesterday, when i was leaving the court a lady approached me and said could I help her. She told me she left her bag in one of the courts. I asked her to wait and when the other staff came up from the basement I asked if we could help. To my surprise one of the staff said we could not help her, she was distressed as her house keys and bag and valuables were locked in the court room.

Today i spoke with one of the senior officers about this and i said that we should assist people in this situation and show some decency and common respect. I said I was dissappointed by other staff and I am sure they would not treat other staff like this. I said next time if this occurs i will not accept this and if i get no assistance I will ring the boss on her mobile number. The senior officer agreed with me. Sorry this post is long but I am just illustrating that I am getting better and will not accept poor attitiude anymore, this type of behaviour in the past has reduced my self esteem and made me feel sad.
Posted 1/19/2012 11:04 AM (GMT 0)
good on you stephen. jamie
Posted 1/19/2012 2:34 PM (GMT 0)
Yes, good on you Stephen. I feel bad for the lady and her purse. Did she get it back? I sure do hopeso. I am glad that you are being proactive at work. That is a great thing. You have a lot of common sense.

I hope that you are having a good day today.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/20/2012 3:03 PM (GMT 0)
Hello all, I went to the movies with flora tonight, I enjoyed her company alot. Flora can see through me and said to me tonight you are very shy and i said yes. We talked abit and held hands.

In the long term it may not work out, I will take it slow. Flora said to me tonight she has experience with many men, does it bother me and I said no. I think she enjoys my company alot. Anyway I will call her tomorrow and thank her for a good night.

Looking forward to church on Sunday to catch up with my friends there and just learn more about god. Thanks everyone,

stephen
Posted 1/20/2012 4:45 PM (GMT 0)
Flora sounds like she has a good heart. Take it slow and try to be in the moment and not project into the future, it will be what it is....we so often live in the past or worry about the future when we should all be living in the moment (which I am NOT doing right now)

You are a great teacher to us all Stephen, you have encouraged me with your courage. Keep it up and thank you for your support.

Maggie
Posted 1/20/2012 8:15 PM (GMT 0)
Stephen...I am so happy that things with Flora is going nicely for you just remember like Karen and Maggie have take it slowly. What is meant to be will be.

I think you have inspired us all.....

Bless you, Amy
Posted 1/20/2012 8:42 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Stephen,

I am so happy that you and Flora are enjoying eachothers company. I would savor this and take it one day at a time. Stay in the moment. You are doing great. Keep it up... Enjoy life!!!

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/20/2012 9:10 PM (GMT 0)
me inspired too. more than you know. jamie
Posted 1/20/2012 10:35 PM (GMT 0)
Yes jamie, maybe there is someon out there for us too!!

Love maggie
Posted 1/21/2012 12:10 PM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone, thanking you all for your kind words of support. Ok, I had very much an up and down day today. This morning I was again feeling depressed and down thinking the worst and was getting quite distressed. I guess I was thinking I was not good enough for flora, and i know I still have self esteem issues, but I am getting better.

I rang Flora tonight and she said hello, things seemed good and then she asked me if i was doing anything tonight and I said i have no plans, so we decided to go out to the beach. It was another good night, intimate, and we seem to be getting closer. i am looking forward to another date with flora on thursday. Things are going well despite a few obstacles, she lives about 50 minutes away by car, but this is not a problem for me. Flora is very nice and perceptive, she knows im a bit shy and i think she is patient with me.

Ok, here is something funny tonight. Flora and I met outside a hotel, she looked me up and down. I was wearing, grey t-shirt, fawn shorts, black runners and blue socks. She said stephen your socks dont match and then she took me to woolworths to get some socks. I must admit I have no colour sence. Thanking everyone here again, I look forward to next thursday and also my church tomorrow.
Posted 1/21/2012 3:08 PM (GMT 0)
Sounds like things are going great Stephen, tell Flora hi from all of us if you tell her about the forum. I am so happy for you. Yeah, the correct socks do help. Great thing she has a sense of style, eh???

Keep up the fantastic work Stephen. I am so happy for you...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 1/23/2012 9:14 AM (GMT 0)
hello all, hello Karen, and everyone who has supported me. I have decided to write a thankyou card to my diversional therapists while i was in hospital only a fews months ago, her name is tracey. For me it feels like years ago, I seemed to lose all perspective of time.

I have some guilt also I have been extremely needy to my sister for about 6 months, and i have been really unreasonable with my depression, she is so loving but I need to do something, I think I will visit her on sunday and just tell her I really appreciate her help with my depression, and just tell her I really care for her a lot. When I had total despair I would beg for help and I was totally selfish.

Ok, another thing I have just discovered, I have so many bad thoughts. It is good now that I am aware of them. Typical thoughts are: you want to hurt someone, others could be racists, other thoughts sex. I guess I am not hard on myself about these thoughts as most are just fleeting thoughts, but I dont know why I was not aware of them. Anyway I am starting to get rid of these thoughts as a lot of them are negative. I am going to church, reading the bible and praying, I feel alot stronger in my mind and more relaxed.
Posted 1/23/2012 9:38 AM (GMT 0)
good for you. with healing compassion, jamie
Posted 1/23/2012 10:22 AM (GMT 0)
Good for you Stephen. We can learn to control these thoughts. And I think as we get happier, these thoughts are less. You have come a long ways. I (and everybody else) am so proud of you.

HOw is Flora? Good I hope. I hope you two are still seeing eachother.

Don't feel guilty about your sister helping you. One day you will help somebody else, or her and that is kind of like paying it forward. Cool!!!

Take care Stephen, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
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