Need Advice - Girlfriend Has Depression And Has Just Ended Our Relationship For No Reason

I'll try and be as thorough as I can. Apologies for the length but I need to cover everything as I really don't know what to do.

My girlfriend has depression. This has been caused by a number of reasons, including not grieving for a dead relative years ago and suffering for months at the hands of a physically abusive relationship. We met in september and had an instant connection. We started hanging out quite regularly. This in itself was a massive thing, her friends tell me that since being diagnosed she lost most of her friends and I'm the first person she really let into her life in nearly a year. Anyway we got on really well and by the end of October she decided the time was right to become a proper couple. We have been taking it slowly and it is slightly different from other relationships in that she struggles with intimacy of any kind, especially when she is down, which recently has been most of the time.

November was great for us, she was so happy with me and generally everything. December was a little harder as Christmas was a tough time of year for her as that's when she was diagnosed the previous year. Despite this we were making progress, she decided to come round my house to meet my parents which was a very hard thing for her to do. It took a while for her to let me in properly but by Christmas eve she invited me over (which isn't new, it's just that particular day was the day she was diagnosed), which was huge because that was the hardest day of the year for her. Since Christmas things began to get better, she decided to come around more often and I began to see her more during the week. Her friends started to tell me that she's been the happiest they've ever seen her since she's been with me, even her mum says she thinks so highly of me.

The past couple of weeks were really tough. 2 weeks ago she thought she was going to lose her cat, which she took very badly. She didn't, but the worry was enough, then last week we had a couple of small arguments. We were messing around and I put a dog toy in her face. Her mood changed instantly. I thought it was me so I apologised for it. It wasn't me, but like an idiot, despite her telling me this, I apologised again and made her feel a lot worse. I know when she gets down it isn't me that's the problem, but this time it was just the timing that made me think it. Anyway, I don't think she's got over that yet. 2 days later I mentioned I had a little surprise for her for valentines day and she shot me down saying how she didn't like it. I have a feeling it's because of something that happened with her ex last year, but she won't say what it is. I was in kind of an awkward position because I didn't know she had this problem and just thought it'd be a nice thing to do. She then told me I made her feel guilty for getting her the gift because now she feels like she has to get me something. She revealed that every time I get her a present she feels very guilty. Up until that point I would get her a little chocolate as something to cheer her up when she's down. I didn't realise it was making her feel guilty every time I did this, I thought it would cheer her up. Anyway, I now know and will hold off in future. Guilt is a big part of her depression.

One other thing is that her therapy ended on friday.

This brings us to saturday night. We were out with some friends, generally having a good time and she had a few drinks. Normally she has a few drinks, gets very happy, then gets to a point and gets very depressed. She's her own worst enemy there. This didn't seem to happen though, in fact she said for the first time in weeks she had felt happy (the only other time she said that recently was our first date). I thought it was a good night, but got a text from her saying that I a made her feel like a joke and so small. I have no idea what she was on about.  She gets extremely sensitive after drinking so it could be the most insignificant thing, problem is I can't remember everything that happened that night (I wasn't drinking btw, I just can't remember it minute by minute). She mentioned the fact that I spent a lot of time talking to her cousin, but we've done that before, I know them, we're all friends. Besides she spends most of our nights off talking to friends of her own. I apologised for it anyway, but she persisted with the argument that it didn't look like I wanted to be with her that night. I kept apologising for it from every angle I can think of but every time I tried she'd text back getting more and more p*ssed off saying I just don't get it. It got to the point yesterday (she refused to speak to me, only by text, saying I really made her feel awful on saturday) where she said I obviously don't understand her and that we got on better as friends.

I am not confused and upset about this as you can imagine. Not so long ago she was the happiest she's ever been with me. Before last week when we had a couple of arguments, we only ever had good times together, now all of a sudden I don't understand her. We got together precisely because I was one of the few people who does. I knew about her issues from the day we met. Only a few weeks ago she told me she loves me. Now every time I contact her I say something wrong and upset her more, on convince her that I don't understand her. It makes me think there's a bigger issue here and she's looking for a reason to push me away. I know she has a self destruct mode. It's like she's just flipped out. She told me not so long ago that she was afraid her issues would push me away and I assured her this wouldn't happen. Now she is pushing me away I really want to stand by her but don't want to seem like I'm being a nuisance. I don't know what to do, any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm not going to walk away from this and just let her bring it to an end. She won't even give me an explanation which makes me wonder if there even is one. She wants me to tell her exactly what I did and how I affected her but everything I can think of fails. I'm considering ringing her mum and getting her to meet me in confidence to talk about her. Me and her have spoken about my girlfriend's depression before so I'm (fairly) certain she'll agree to meet me without telling her. Her family do all like me and think I'm good for her so I'm hoping that credit counts for something here, but it's the only thing I can think of doing.

I've seen her depression mixed with alcohol make her lash out like this to other people fairly often before but never towards me, this is the first time I've been the target and I don't know what's happened. 

She's 18 by the way.

Post Edited (ash86) : 1/24/2012 7:03:40 AM (GMT-7)

Sorry I missed out the fact she is on meds, and she's been talking about increasing the dose for a while but hasn't done it yet. She's been seeing a therapist for over a year but it came to an end on friday. I think it's had much more of an effect than she'll admit. I know that when we got together she consulted her mum and therapist quite a lot, I'm not sure if now the crutch as gone she feels like she can't cope. I just really want to fix it because she's so important to me but I don't know what to do.  If it is something I've done on saturday that acted as a trigger for all this I would apologise for it but I've gone over everything of significance that actually happened and I'm at a complete loss. That's what she wants me to do.  She won't accept any answer other than what I specifically did and how it affected her because that's the only was she'll accept I understand her.  Unless she's asking it knowing it's an impossible question, in which case I don't know.  I'm going crazy, I haven't really slept in 3 days because I keep going over it and over it in my mind.  I own the pub this happened in so this afternoon I'm going to go over our CCTV so see my own movements all night.  It's going to take me ages but it's worth it

Post Edited (ash86) : 1/24/2012 7:12:55 AM (GMT-7)

Ash...Welcome to HW forum....I am so sorry for what you are going through, it is not easy be depressed and it is not easy to be involved with someone wh is depressed. I think it is a good idea to talk with her mom and have some sort of plan to make sure she gets the proper help. That is if you want to repair this relationship or not, I would give her space let her come to you. You can let her know you will be there if she is willing to commit to some extensive treatment for both alcohol and depression then you would be willing to have some sort of relationship. Try not to take any of this to personalable.....this is from alcohol and depression.

All the best to you, Amy

It sounds like she is forussing on the wrong things. Even though she is sensitive, she is dwelling on this one thing. Even if she is only drinking once a week, the alcohol is still going to leave her depressed. It is a depressant and that is that. I really think coaxing her to go to counseling would be a good start. She would learn her own self worth and get confidence. You can't fix her, but you can be there for her. It is as simple as that. She needs professional help. And counseling for you might help you to cope and deal with her. Think about it.

You have gotten some wonderful advice from members. I am happy for that. Keep posting and know that we care.

Hugs, Karen

Based on what you have said..."Doing nothing" is probably the best option at this point. She needs time to get things straight and/or to get over it and if you keep going after her with reminders about what happened it is just going to refuel her "anger".

I think the best course of action is to leave things alone for several days...maybe even a week and then call or text her with an invitation to go out on a date....maybe like dinner and a movie...anything except drinking. Make no mention of what has happened, just move forward.

If she refuses to go out with you then leave it at that and give her a little more time and try it again.

The bottom line here though is that you need to take careful note of her triggers and accept them and learn to deal with her moods. Really it is no different than if you were involved with someone who was not suffering from depression. Everyone has certain "buttons" that if they are pushed will upset them really fast and really deeply.

Just an update: well I spoke to her mum, she couldn't help me very much but we did have a good talk. She managed to convince her to finally speak to me so we met up last night. It was a bit awkward at first but it wasn't acrimonious. She says that what happened on Saturday made her feel awful, I never found out what it was but I wasn't about to go over the details with her again because we would just have argued over it and that would have made it worse because she wouldn't have accepted anything I'd say and I didn't want to anger her even more. She says though that she's ended the relationship so she can sort herself out. She can't cope with being in a relationship at the moment. That in itself is understandable however some of the things she was coming out with have taken me aback.



She says that things were great at the beginning but for 2 of the last 3 months it was making her unhappy. She came out with some really random things which I didn't think were issues. Apparently she wanted to go out a lot more with her friends but we stopped going out so much because I wasn't up for it. I don't know where she got this from because the reason we stopped going out was because of her. The week before Christmas she took the decision not to stay out and drink herself, then the next 2 weekends were Christmas and New years which she spent with her family. The following weekend we just didn't mention it and she was feeling low anyway, and the one after that we were going to but she suggested staying in because her best friend pulled out.



Also randomly apparently we didn't want the same things from the relationship. According to her I wanted marriage and to settle down and she just wanted to have fun and enjoy things at the moment. This was a surprise to me, at no point have I ever mentioned anything about the direction of the relationship.



There was also the stuff about the presents which annoyed her but as soon as I found out it was an issue I resolved to reign myself in when I found out it wasn't helping, and she knew that.


Also apparently we got on better as friends, but we get on exactly the same.


There were a couple of other things but I'm not going to go into the details of our relationship any more than I have already. It feels like she's creating reasons to justify ending it. The things that were apparently issues are things we've just never talked about before.



What has upset me is that she blames the relationship for her regressing back. I don't think this is the case at all, but after everything I've done for her and all the times I've been there that's hard to deal with when I hear her say that. The reasons she's picked out are bordering on the made up, or at the very least really small issues that you get in any relationship. I think she picks up on really insignificant things that may have been said in passing at some point and turns them into reasons to make things bad.


I think she's gone backwards anyway because of the time of year and the relationship is an easy target. Something her mum said strikes me as probably right, and that is she's probably just not ready to be in a relationship. Personally I think she feels smothered by someone being nice to her and after her previous relationships doesn't know how to deal with someone treating her well like I do. I realise that sounds like I'm blowing my own trumpet and I don't mean to, but I've made every effort to do right by her and deal with her illness too, something that her parents have noticed. They've told me personally that they think I'm good for her and that I treat her really well, which is always nice to hear someone say.


Now I just feel slightly hard done by. After all I've done she effectively dumped me without talking to me or explaining it for nearly a week, and then blamed what we had for her condition worstening. On top of that, she tells me that the break up has upset her so much that she's stopped eating and now goes to be again hoping she doesn't wake up in the morning. The arguments by text haven't helped, I normally bend over backwards to make sure I don't speak to her in a way that upsets her but I was quite harsh in a couple of the messages I sent. I regret a couple of the things I said but by that point I'd just been dumped without explanation and was quite emotional myself. I'd felt hung out to dry a bit. It makes me feel incredibly guilty that I've contributed in making her feel like this and now I'm really worried about her. It feels like I've made a mess of things this week and I've been so stressed over it. Unfortunately the only thing I can do is leave her alone for a while because she says she still wants to be with me and any contact makes it too hard for her, at least for the next couple of weeks or so.


Ironically it seems the relationship broke down not because I couldn't handle her illness, but because she couldn't handle the relationship. I'm willing to stand by her through it all. I was probably the only person outside her family who knows the extent of what really goes on with her and she's put up the defences and pushed me away.


I don't even really know what I want anyone to say, I'm just venting and this is somewhere I can do it. I feel stressed out, guilty over the possibility I may have contributed to her illness and upset that everything in the relationship seemed fine to me but apparently wasn't all this time. I don't really know what to believe at the moment.

I agree that you need to give her the space that she needs right now. But don't feel guilty for her depression. One person can't cause another to be depressed, they just are... Evidently she has some things to work though. I am glad that you come here for support. Keep trying. Take a break and make sure that you are feeling okay. Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen

It's been over a week now since it all blew up so I thought I'd just update things, as it's still bothering me.

I now know from talking to people that all of these issues she had with our relationship are almost completely from things other people have said, or joked about or mentioned in passing and for some reason she's projected it all onto me and got it into her head that it's all coming from me.

I really need to understand why in her mind they have all come from me? How have things other people have said about our relationship transferred themselves onto me? She won't accept that she's wrong or that none of it has come from me. I just want to try and understand how someone thinks like that. I hear she's done this before to friends. As soon as she gets close to someone, something really obscure upsets her, mostly something that she thinks came from them but didn't actually, and then she shuts them out for ages. Why would she think like this? I just don't understand that.

That brings me onto last night. I hadn't spoken to her in a week. Sent her a text yesterday and just said that I still care about her and that I'm still here if she needs me, and that I hope she's coping and that I still believe she'll get through it. Bumped into her today, as she works next door to my own business and I get accused of trying to make her feel guilty. Not so long ago those sorts of messages made her love me for being so supportive but now everything I do is because I'm trying to make her feel guilty. I can't win, so I guess I'll just try and do nothing for a while, as hard as that'll be. I think about things too much at the worst of times and as much as I try I can't stop thinking about all of it.

Everything else I do just makes it worse so I'm stuck whatever I do. While I understand that as she gets worse she feels guilty about a lot of things I can't get my head around how someone can feel guilty about absolutely everything, and that how all the nice things I've done for her has turned me into the enemy all of a sudden. That's something I'm struggling with and it's driving me mad even now.

I feel your confusion, my wife of 13yrs was recently diagnosed with depression and it's like you said the littlest things cause this great uproar and everything you did to help means nothing. Stay strong and take care.

Hey Ash,

I think there may be one aspect of your "relationship" with your girlfriend (OR ex-girlfriend as the case may be).  Dude, I've read through all your posts, mainly cuz I was really bored and I like to help, and one thing about your "relationship" is really just screaming at me.  You seem to be WAY TOO OBSESSED over this girl for the short time(4 months) you've been "dating" each other.  It's very admirable to be supportive of her problems with depression, but I'll give you a little clue...a lot of girls her age(18) feel awkward and depressed for a varity of reasons, including those that you listed, and are at that age where it's easy to smooth over the rough patches with alcohol.  I don't really think she's out of line with a lot of her peers.  The fact that she sought help and completed treatment puts her way ahead of the game.  She may not be that depressed anymore.

However, there's a classic line that keeps screaming to me inside my head.  It's that "SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU."  She has possibly pushed you away by saying another standard, "IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME," so you won't feel guilty and will leave her alone.  Don't get me wrong, you seem like a really sensitive guy, but I think you've probably come on a bit too strong and you really need to take a careful at look how YOU have conducted yourself in the relationship, especially in light of her history.

I get the feeling that there may be a bit of an age difference, as your posts don't sound like someone close to an 18 years old, and I sure don't know any 18 year old pub owners.  University-aged guys, 18-24, are far more likely to be interested in drinking, sports, video games, and casual dating or the occasional pick-up as opposed to a committed relationship.  Granted, most women look forward to the time that guys grow out of those juvenile behaviours, but swinging completely 180 degrees in the opposite direction isn't real healthy either.  With her history of being in an abusive relationship, I have the feeling that the more you did for your girlfriend, the gift giving, and the more time you wanted to spend with her, she probably was starting to feel somewhat pressured, which possibly reminded her of her previous bad relationship.  Once she started pushing back, all your texting, and questioning of her family and friends about what was going on probably started to feel vary invasive.  I'm not surprise to hear that this relationship didn't work out.

Ash...I think it might actually be a good idea if you found a professional person to discuss this relationship with and how you had difficulty coping with the negative outcome.  behaviours like not sleeping for days, excessive texting, reviewing every word of every conversation you could remember for clues...especially talking about reviewing hours of closed circuit TV footage worries me that your behaviour was a bit beyond what was reasonable for what happened in this circumstance.  Just a suggestion.  I truly do hope you can put this peacefully behind you.

Leigh Ann

One day at a time...

Hugs, Karen

Hi Ash86

Sorry to hear you have been having a tough time.

I don't think you're obsessive at all. But I think you're looking for answers you won't find because there could be so many reasons for the way she has been towards you. The only thing I am sure of is that it was nothing you did and that if it hadn't happened after that Saturday it would have happened the next week or the week after.

Depression is so complicated and the person (talking from experience) often can't fully understand why they feel things until a later date.

Hey Ash,

I really didn't mean to come across as judgemental, but I agree in hindsight some of my phrasing could be taken that way, and for that

I apologize.  From your last explanation, it's much more clear that you clocked in a lot more hours with this chick than it originally sounded, and that it went from zero to mega-crisis on a fairly regular basis.  I'm sure that's not what you signed up for, but when you allow yourself to get emotionally invested in someone like that, I know what it's like to feel like if you give the relationship everything you've got, somehow it's bound to fix the other person.  Unfortunately, there are some people that are just beyond that kind of devotion.  No matter how much love, attention, and understanding you give them, it's just never right or enough for them. 

I'm one of those people who finds it really hard to throw in the towel on a relationship myself, but the older I get, the more I recognize that we are responsible for our own happiness, and that can't be dependent on any other single person.  A year ago, I myself was out trolling the bars with my friends, looking for "Mr. Right."  I was bouncing from one needy guy with emotional baggage to another, with nobody ready for(or wanting) a real "relationship."  I ended up meeting a guy, Steve, who informed me after two weeks of hot and heavy dating, that he was on the "rebound," so I shouldn't expect anything serious from him.  I backed off and just took a "we'll hang out when and if you want to" approach, and March 17th we will have been together exclusively for a whole year.  I have to admit I've treated him EXTREMELY WELL, done the occasional little surprise thing, but have been very conscious of not having to be constant communication with him or making demands on his time.  The result has been that been that we no longer go hang out drinking in bars, but he spends the three days a week he's not working essentially living at my place.  He even has a drawer to keep his clothes in...so I guess I've made it past being the "rebound" chick.

Mind you, it hasn't been a cakewalk...I had to overcome the damage from the witch that created the "rebound" situation, not to mention, a fiance that bailed on him while he was in the ARMY in Afghanistan, and an ex-wife that left him with two babies in diapers when he was deployed as a chef in the NAVY.  He has some lingering PTSD and is retired from the military on a partial disability, so I realized that there were several cans of worms that I would probably be best being there to lend an ear or shoulder to cry on if called for, but most likely, I was better off just letting sleeping dogs lie if at all possible.  If he's down and wants to talk, great...but I think that just being available and open makes all the difference in the world.  I don't have to make things all better for him, just provide a positive alternative for him to put his energy. 

I've heard it put this way...women like to have someone simply to listen to their problems, whereas men listen with the expectation that they are being given the information in order for them to actually do something about it...two very different things.  Ash...I think you may very well have been an unknowing recipient of this kind of thing.  You probably spent unknown hours searching for ways to help your girl deal with her problems, when you had no real chance for successfully doing so from the very beginning.  Personally, I would cut your losses and walk away knowing that you went above and beyond the call of duty.  It's a hard thing to do, but remind yourself that it could have been worse...you could have had years invested in this relationship.  My first fiance' dumped me out of the blue, with no warning at all, after eight years of harmony.  We never even had a fight, but one day he just ended it, with no rhyme or reason, and no amount of discussion or analysis made any difference.  He was just "done", and it took me close to eleven years to completely get past it.  Needless to say, love isn't easy, and it sure isn't quick and clean like we would want it to be sometimes.  Best of luck and keep us updated.  Sorry again if I sounded too harsh previously.

Leigh Ann