Overcoming sexual abuse as a child

That book sounds so familiar. I read "feeling good" by Dr. David Burns. It really helped me.

Dear Just.....I love your book choices, I have also read How to stop worrying and start living(just gave it to my daughter)and What women fear. I really enjoyed both books and I hope my daughter gets something out of the stop worrying book. She is such a worry wart.

Do you like kinds of books or more of the self help books? I am going to give it some thought as with my fibro brain it has gone blank.

Bless you, Amy

I will definitely start looking at those. I have a kindle and I'm not afraid to use it!

Kelsrox,

I marvel at the courage you have shown here as well, I am pleased you have found this board and have found support for you, I am always proud when people are trying to work through what has been done to them by another. I am so sorry that you are faced with trying to process what has happened, but something tells me you are a fighter and have a strong head on you.

Justwanna,

I wanted to clarify a point for you from page one as I understand it very well. I am not confused by the fact that you feel you had an happy childhood. There is nothing wrong with feeling you had a happy home, the difference is, even though you felt happy as a child, you had things happen to you that caused some damage.

I think your outlook is very healthy, and is far better than someone who may feel revengeful and bitter about something another person inflicted upon them when they were defenceless to fight back. It is ok to say that you felt environmentally secure and supported, but things occurred that caused you damage.

A lot of people will misinterpret and presume that you need to forgive in order to move on. It can be difficult for others to understand that you hold no malice towards the perpetrator, but what they did caused you to have to resort to coping mechanisms and that’s not your fault. I for one had the opportunity to have my Parents charged, but I didn’t want them sent to prison, I only wanted to hear them admit what they had done and say sorry. Five years later my Mother died of cancer, I don’t believe anyone was praying harder for her Soul than I was in her final months, I prayed with everything in me for God not to hold her to account for what she had done. In saying that, I know, what she and my Stepfather did caused me so much damage.

When you say you feel like a child sometimes, this is common as well. Often people stop developing at the age that the abuse occurred, or at least, when the abuse is more than they can comprehend and process. As we mature into adulthood, we learn to compensate for this, but at times we realize that we are visiting the child within at the age that the atrocity happened. I do this regularly and I don’t fight to remain the adult any more, I just let it be.

Learning is great; I have never had counselling, so all my learning was from books. (I can’t recommend any at this stage as they are all packed, but I read more biographies than self help books, as I need the validation more than self help) One of the traps I warn you to avoid is trying to understand why your Dad did what he did. It will do your head in, you can not comprehend what he did, as you are not like him. You can’t make sense out of non sense.

Kelsrox, this post is as much for you as well, as both of you understand the same emotions and are on the same page so to speak. I will try to keep my post here, but if it disappears, it is only because it leaves me feeling vulnerable. Just know I am very proud of both of you for not giving up and seeking help and support, keep shining.

Awty, thanks so much. I'm trying to do what I can to remain positive, though it isn't always easy! I'm.trying to cope with different feelings. Since my brother's death, its been harder to deal with than it was previously. But his death pitched me into a spiral of which I haven't been able to come out of. I know I'll be okay, I just have to take it one day at a time. And I understand the vulnerability part. It's hard to share our most intimate details. The more we think we've put things behind us, the more they seem to come back in full force.

Karen, I love my Kindle! I don't have the Fire, I have the older original one with the keyboard. It has wifi and you can get on the net. It's super easy to download books. I was thinking about getting a nook after I dropped my Kindle(and cried as if I lost my BFF) but amazon ended up replacing it for free. It's definitely worth the money we spent on it (this one is around $80 now, I think). And the books are cheaper than in store.

just saying hi michelle. hoping your doing well. with healing compassion, jamie

to Ijustwanttobemeagain:

I so fell your pain mine is very similar just not my dad, but he was to drunk to protect me and doesnt even know what happened and im scared to death i will regret not telling him before he dies and i have never been super close to him cause of his alcohol abuse and my hatered because i blame him for not protecting me, I am going to look in to the peri menopause or whatever you said, for quit a while i have had perioeds when my body wants to 1 twice three times a year totally random and i have recently noticed i sweat like crazy then im cold and for about 36 hours before i bleed i am so physco depressed and crazy its causing marriage trouble is being physco crazy before period part of that?  Iam so out of control i hate myself so much i dont even know how i function each day. would love to chat back and forth maybe alot in common and could help each other.

Hi Ihatelife,

Welcome to the HW forum. I have only been a member since last month and I can honestly tell you that this is a great place to find support and advice. I have made many friends here already!! Anyway, I'm glad that you found us. Sorry to hear about what you have been through. First of all I'd like to ask you your age (if you don't mind). I can tell you that I haven't had a period since april and have been in peri menopause for about eight years now... ARGGGG. I still however, get the PMS symptoms every month like clock work. That week and a half before my period would normally start, I go crazy with heart palps, hot flashes, anxiety, trouble sleeping, depression. I have been on bioidentical hrt for over a year now, and it helps me alot. I'm also on 50mg. Zoloft and Xanax as needed ( and believe me, I need it). My hormone replacement therapist is awesome. He tests my levels every 3 months to make sure that I am getting the right amount of hormones. He uses both blood and saliva for results and also treats my symptoms. It sounds like you are dealing with alot of the same things that I am.

I have not seen a therapist yet, but i do have my first appointment next week. I have come to a point in my life that I realize that I JUST CAN'T HANDLE IT by myself any longer. This creates an incredible amout of stress for me, because I have alway's been the queen of " I can handle it " and " I can fix it ". I do feel that I am a strong person to have come this far in my life without any major set backs. But I often wonder how big a difference I could have made in my 45 years, had I been mentally well????

I'm angry because of many things, but this has to be the biggest reason. I feel " Ripped Off ". I'm seeking thearpy for several resons. I have got to have help to work through my feelings. I refuse to let what has happened to me hold me back for the rest of my life. The only person that can fix YOU is YOU !! There is help out there hun, but you have to be proactive about it. Ask questions, read books, post here, and talk to your DR. Good Luck, you are off to a great start !! Here for you!

Blessings, Michelle

your welcome michelle jamie

thanks for the smileys!!!!!

WOW, that story sounds so similar to mine. By the time I was 45 both my parents were gone and so were some of the answers I never got. My father abused me from about 5 on (could have been sooner but don't remember that far back). At the age of 13 he raped me and then walked right out of my life. A few years later he comitted suicide to avoid going to prison. He was going to prison for rape, abuse and endangerment of a minor (or something similar) for me and my female cousins. To avoid prison he drove himself in front of a speeding train. So, no answers there.

Just after I had my daughter I talked to my mother about it. I felt that she should have been there to protect me, but, never was. She told me that she couldn't handle knowing for sure that this was, in fact, going on, so she never asked. More or less, she turned the other way. We never spoke of it again. My mother passed away 7 years ago from Lou Gherigs disease. I loved her as a daughter should but, in some ways, I hated her. I didn't hate her for not protecting me, or being there for me, I hated her for being a weak person. I sometimes regret not talking to her about this. But, it is now too late. So, no answers there.

Anyway, I understand what you are dealing with and I sympathize with you. I know its hard to go thru life not ever understanding what happened or why and knowing that you will never get the answers.

Sorry, getting ready to leave work, need to shut down. Hope to talk more with you tomorrow. take care,

Good morning Michelle, just wanted to continue my story. Sorry its so long but, you know, it really feels good to get it out. Thanks for reading it.

I really don't remember clear details. They are all fuzzy like a bad dream. Sometimes, now, I feel like all that never happened and I just made it up. But, the rape happened in my aunts house and my aunt is the one I eventually told. I do not think she really believed me until she saw my father do something so unthinkable, she had to investigate. This of course is where the longer time frame came from and it is also what lead to his being charged for the molesting of my cousins too. Before he could actually go to court for the charges, he committed suicide. That was the end of it all for me.

Unfortunatly I centered my anger at my mother instead. I was a terrible teenager and I slept around. I really don't know what I was looking for, love maybe? My mother had her own nightmares and really didn't want to be bothered with mine. She tried her best to be firm and my step father stepped in on occasion. But, at 15 I was pregnant. I had a beautiful baby girl 3 months after I turned 16. This is when my mother and I had our "talk", if that is what you would like to call it. She never accepted part blame and I know that she took that shame to her grave with her. I have forgiven her for her part, but, I never forgave her for being a weak person. I grew stronger as the years went on. I knew my baby girl depended on me and this would never happen to her. And, it didn't. Someone tried but we were close enough and I was aware enough to notice that something was wrong and I went to her. It was nipped in the bud before it could even start. This event is what really started the hate of my mothers weakness. I did not hate her, just her weakness. How can a mother love her child as much as I loved mine and not be there for her in every way possible?

My brother and sisters did not and do not really understand how I could not want to be with mom as much as I possibly could when we all knew that she was dying. I knew she was dying but that, in my way of thinking, was a weakness on her part too. She did not "live" when she was diagnosed, she just gave up and let everyone wait on her. She enjoyed being the sick one and everyone else taking responsiblity for what went on around her. She mourned for things that she could not do, things that she didn't do even when she was capable. I mean, really, do you mourn not being able to cut the grass when you never did? To me, she was weak and I hated that.

Now, I am watching my daughter struggle with depression and am wondering how it came about. I did everything I could to make sure she had a good life. I gave her guidelines, discipline and independence. She was a good kid and enjoyed life. She had exactly what she wanted, marriage and being a stay at home mom. But, she suffers and I watch and see my mother all over again. I feel helpless. Yes, me the strong one feels helpless and now, thru this, I am seeing a new side to my mother. She battled depression and no one understood, least of all, me. Now, thru my daughter I see that my mother battled a real illness all her life and nothing, good or bad, was going to change that. She wasn't weak, she was sick.

I have many times since this revelation prayed that my mother forgive me. I am ashamed at myself for not being more understanding of the pain and suffering my mother endured at the hands of her first husband, her doctors and her children, mostly me. I am suffering with fibro, RA and deficiencies and almost everyday I struggle with aches and pains and at the same time I am doing all I can to help my daughter with her pain. I am finally understanding that some things just happen, good or bad, no matter how strong we think we are. We all struggle and we all suffer. The important part is being understanding of everyone and their struggles no matter how small or insignificant they seem because to them it could mean everything.

Thank you so much for reading this. It really felt good to write it.

take care,

I believe that some children do. My middle grandson has always been in tune to his mommys feelings. If she was having a rough day, he cried more. If she was having a good day, he did too. This past few weeks have been rough for her and who do you think has been getting in trouble? Daniel, the middle child. His preschool teacher has even noticed a change in him this past few weeks and brought that to her attention. This then got her to thinking more about her addiction issues and how they were affecting those around her, not just her. She seems to be getting over this past slump. I hope it continues.

Wow ! Thanks life, a maze !

I read this post and I have to say that it made me feel great. I do have a great husband in my life and it is often difficult for him to undrestand me. He loves me for who I am and for that I am greatful. My thearpy that starts on monday is not only for me but also for him and our daughter. I am 45 years old and am determined to be mentally heathy for myself and my family for the second half of my life.The first half of my life has been full of pain, guilt, questions, and a general feeling of loss. I'm GOING to change that! With my faith in God, I can do all things!!

Blessings, Michelle