Wasted

Hi everybody. I feel very weird today! I'm very tired of all this working hard to be happy and smiling thing! I feel tired! Last night was crazy for me. I went in my room and my heart started racing. I heard some sound in my room, under my bed. And as my ex bf knew where I live. My sixth sense thought it was him! My heart came in my mouth. I got so unbelievably scared. But turned out that when i looked inside my bed, there was nobody.

I have been fearing him a lot. I am a very weak person. I dont know if its hope sometimes and sometimes fear that when ever I enter my room, I look under my bed and in my washroom and around my window. Its stupid that I haven't gotten over him yet. I feel so sick of myself sometimes when I remember how I used to think that hes my soul mate.

Earlier this day, I had to switch on my number to call my friend. As I have all my numbers switched off for the moment. I received a prank phone call. Seemed like some drunk girl called me or something. Not sure if she was drunk. But she called me and started abusing me. She said so much to me. Even though I had no fault. My mouth was zipped. I couldn't come up with anything. She was probably calling some one else and mistakenly called me. Cause she told me some information that I was unaware of.

But I felt so crap. She called again. I tried to build up courage. But dint come up with anything else other than asking her why she was doing this to me and that she should fear that her words might hurt some body. But she didnt stop. She had this scariest, monstrous sound I had ever heard. She was constantly abusing me without a pause. Which scared me to hell.

I dont know if im being over thoughtful about this but I have this feeling that my ex bf might have come up with this plot to scare me up. I feel very crapty right now. Because even though I have always been very careful to never hurt somebody BUT time and time again people hurt me and make me feel like crap. Without any mistake from my side.

I still cant figure out the reason why my ex bf cheated and faked our 4 year old perfect relation.. Until I hadn't figure out that he was faking all the time I always thought that my life was perfect and prayed and was always thankful. I cried and asked God to take away everything that I owned and give him happiness and solutions to his problem when he had a bad phase.

Some days I recollect myself and can be at comfort but some days its like my world has come to an end. I don't know where to hide all the gifts, notes and surprises he used to give me all the time. I hide them everyday, then start missing him so much and then hug them and cry aloud.

P.S: I'm a waste atm!!

Karen you are such a sweet heart!

By wasted I mean that Im a waste now. Because theres nothing more in my life than tears and regrets that I loved the wrong person and bound my self for him. There were a lot of things I wanted to do but he never let me do. Because he was very possessive. I was too but I let him do things. He stopped me and now Im like him. Even though we arent together, I do things that he wanted. Im just like him. Just because Im used to being like this..

Yes I fear him a lot. My heart starts racing. Its because hes been very mean to me and abused me when we broke up. He called bad names. He said that I was yet another girl he wanted to sleep with and that was all that he wanted from me all this time (even though we never slept together) His anger is very intense. He gets wild when hes angry and cant control himself. That is why I fear him. I fear that he might some day come face to face with me and see how weak im!

sending healing compassionate prayers to you.

have you thought about some counselling? we are here for you. jamie

I understand what you mean that you put your whole heart into this relationship.....You thought he did too! Then you find out he did not feel the same way. I did that and even married and had 3 children with this person He also like your cheated. I was devasted we had been together for over 18yrs and basically he was saying this whole part if my life was all a hoax. I had put so much into that marrige and find out it was all for nothing. In the end the man that was suppose to love treated me like I was garbage calling me everything in the book it left me crushed. The reason for me telling this story is I three years later met and married a man who treats me like a queen, we are truely each others best friend.(we will be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary on Valentines Day) I want you to see there is someone good out there for you if you would only move on.....you deserve better than what you had....I never realized before until I found this wonderful man. Get rid of the stuff that reminds you of him that will make it easier to move on. YOU ARE NOT A WASTE!!!!!

Be good to yourself and take care....
Amy

yep wowwwww amy and congrats!!! jamie