Tough past 2 years.

I found this site about two years ago while looking up depression. I posted once. about

my childhood. I always ment to check in regularly, but.... every day I'd think "Tomorrow. I'll go on tomorrw."

After a while the only reminder I had was the occasional e-mail, but even that was scarce. I miss following through.

 

I'm beginning to hate the internet. Well, I'm beginning to hate everything now (except my daughter).

I feel like I'm in a black hole. A black hole I've been trapped in my entire life. For as long as

I can remember. Always feeling one way, but having to portray other, more positive, feelings. I can barely remember a time

I was truely and entirely happy. Even in this memory, the happiness only lasted a few minutes. I miss feeling wanted. I would go for

I miss being loved, but seeing Ali's face light up the second she see's my face..... it's the best feeling you can imagine (and if you

have kids you know what I'm talking about). I miss feeling loved by my husband.

 

A little about myself. I'm 18. I have a daughter and husband. I've been married for about six months. Shortly after my husband and I got married

I went into labor and had our baby girl. By shortly after we got married, I mean two hours later. She was in the hospital for four weeks.

Durning the four weeks, my husband and I were basicly homeless. We stayed at a charity home for a few days. We stayed at my grandparents for about

a week then we moved in to my MIL's for several months. We got evicted in early January and are now living with roomates that we had to find

over Craigslist (can you say scary!). Luckily they are very nice and haven't given us any trouble. At least we're not next to homeless anymore.

I work for my mom watching her two youngest (if you read my first post you'll notice my middle sister is mentioned). I get $1000 a month and $450

 goes to rent. The rest goes to my daughter and gas. My husband may or may not have a job. Last week he started his job working in Custodial Services.

He might get layed off today. Lastly, I miss sleep.

 

I can't remember the last time my husband and I weren't fighting. I can't remember the last time he wasn't mad at me for something.

I can't remember the last time I got a full nights sleep or the last time I wasn't frustrated or the last time I went a day without crying or

hurting or pretending or ready to give up (not on life just everything else). I can honestly say I'm NOT suicidal. I don't want to die, I just want

to be a better and happier person for my husband and daughter. I want to take my G.E.D. I want to go to college. I want to make something of myself. I just

don't know where to start. I miss being happy.

 

I still have more to say. I just don't really know how to say it. I feel like I'm at the sad part of a love story. You know, when the boy leaves the girl

and she's heart broken. She's all torn up and doesn't know what to do with herself. She wants to move on, but she can't seem too. But.... what love

story am I stuck in? The one where she can't possibly move on and the boy comes back in the end? Or the one where she's forced to move

on? Either way, she never really moves on does she? She still misses what she used to have with the boy. What if..... what if I'm in the one without a

happy ending? What if I'm in the one with the disappointing ending? The one where she knows she could never be with anyone else, but the boy doesn't come

back. I miss being in control.

 

Males: You know your wife can't read your mind right? We won't know why you're mad if you don't tell us. We don't know why you're stressed if you don't talk

to us.

 

Women: Did you know we're not always right? We can be wrong and... it's ok to say "Hey babe, I was wrong."

 

My heart feels shattered in my chest.

My eyes feel dry.

My lungs struggle for breath.

My brain feels dysfunctional.

Update anyone? It's not gonna be pretty.

My husband and I are getting a divorce. So much for him wanting to spend

the rest of his life with me. Last night we got into this big fight about nothing in paticular

and he said he wanted a divorce. This morning after dropping me off at work, he went home to

pack. Not without reminding me to change my name on FB of course.

 

I'm the one with a stable income. I'm the one that takes care of her 24/7. I feed her. I bathe her. I

change her diaper. I put her to bed. I worry about her. I comfort her. He wants full custody. After

telling our roommate I peer pressured him into having a kid he didn't want.

 

I'm not in pain. I'm not heart-broken. After all how do you break a heart that you

failed to heal the first 1 million times you broke it. But I'm still crying. I think it's

because I know I'm SUPPOSED to be in pain. On one hand I know I'll be happier without

him, but I still love him..... and it feels weird to say that. To say I love him feels so different.

I'm still going to get counseling, I still think it will help.

 

Looking back at my post from yesterday, I realize I knew this day was coming and coming fast.

I realize, maybe it's better this way. I've known for along time that he didn't love me, no matter

how many times he said he did.

I realized, in the past 48 hours, I've had 2 hours of sleep.

 

I'm writing my own love story. In the end, the boy loses the girl. The girl is happy with

the new boy in her life and she doesn't give the old boy another thought. She gets over him and he's left trying

to figure out what to do with himself now that he just messed up the best thing that had ever happened to him.

Not the girl, but his relationship with his child.

I feel like I can't help myself... to me it sounds like you need to work on things that build your self worth, understanding our own value as people has a lot to do with who we welcome into our lives. Expectations of ourselves and those we share our lives with should be realistic and fair... and if you're busy building a love story in your head, it's hard to be happy and satisfied with what's happening in your life if it's falling short of the fantasy... being in your own head too much can be bad for your health. Let life happen, try and live in the moment and experience the here and now, the good and the bad. It's wonderful to have goals and a path you want to follow but one of the greatest coping skills a person can have is flexibility, the ability to take a hit and get back up.

I'm so sorry you are going through so much right now, I know in this moment you probably feel overwhelmed, I wish I could carry some of the burden for you. I do know the weight of being a young mother and provider, so I'm sending lotsa a love your way and hoping you can feel it surround you. There are no rules that go say you need to feel a certain way, try to treat yourself like a you would a friend, give yourself all the love, kindness, understanding, and patience you would give to someone close to you. Big hugs to you, Jen