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Posted 2/15/2012 11:20 PM (GMT 0)
I'm the person everyone goes to, I'm the one who's empathetic but truthful, the go to girl, the fixer...

2 years ago, I thought my husband was retiring from the Army and we were staying put, I finally had a long term plan for myself, after years of knowing my life revolved around my husband's career and our child. (Our daughter is in grad school) Then my husband informed me he was not retiring and I had to leave my construction business and sell the house I loved and basically rebuilt.

I've now moved twice in the last 2 years, after arriving at our current location, I lost my dog who had a MRSA infection he couldn't fight. My dogs are my family, my constant. I feel no sense of purpose, no direction, I don't know what to do with myself and I lack the desire to make any effort. I have no friends since moving here a year ago and don't really know how to make friends because I don't work, my child is an adult. I do take breading lessons, I drive an hour and a half to get there, at which time I slap on my smile.

I have long distance friends, many of whom call me to tell me there problems so I can help them work through their things and I have mentioned in passing that I'm struggling emotionally but it's usually skipped over. I think because they don't see me as a person who leans on others.

I'm a pick yourself up by the boot straps person, in the grand scheme of things, I have a good life. I feel ashamed that I'm not able to get on with it already, I'm ashamed that I'm struggling emotionally when my life is not bad, my husband is a wonderful husband, my daughter is awesome, etc. I have one friend diagnosed with a rare cervical cancer, another struggling with her husband walking out after 25 years and other friends with varying issues and they count on my strength, humor, empathy and friendship all the while I feel like I'm drowning in their sadness and my own.

I want to laugh at myself for posting this on a forum because humor has always helped me but the laughter isn't forthcoming
Posted 2/15/2012 11:22 PM (GMT 0)
Breading=herding
Posted 2/16/2012 12:01 AM (GMT 0)
Do you have anybody that you can be totally honest with about how you are feeling? Coming here does help. You will get advice and some information on what we have been though. But I think it is time to take off that fake smile and be you. Do you go to any type of counseling? It would give you some support. It is very helpful. I think it is time you let somebody help you instead of being the strong one all of the time. Take some time for you and do some self nurturing. You deserve this. It is time for you.

How old are you? I was told my forties were my healing years, but my fifties were. But I would say that between then, it is time for us to take care of us. The children are leaving the nest and it is time to live. Find something that you like to do and throw yourself into it. I am glad that you are taking classes. What kind of dogs do you have? I have a german shepherd who is very spoiled.

Do keep posting. Read posts too. There are many people in need of advice and it sounds like you are the type of person who gives it. I hope that you find help here.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/16/2012 12:18 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Karen,

I have a German Shepherds as well, my boys have been my source of support. Just your response made me cry and I'm not a a person who cries often, I'm in my early 40's and I'm flabbergasted by the emotional state I've found myself in.

I'm uncomfortable with going to see some because I painted for the military hospital for years and I know what goes on and I do not want my husband's unit or chain of command to know. My husband comes and goes a lot because of his type of job but he tries to be supportive and helpful, I just don't know how to put into words what's going on in my head.

Weirdly my daughter is in grad school for counseling... come on, surely there's humor in that!!!
Posted 2/16/2012 1:23 PM (GMT 0)
Maybe your daughter has the skills to help you now. That would be wonderful. I know it sounds funny, but it could be.

I think it is cool that you have german shepherds. Mine is black and tan, with a little red. What color are yours if you don't mind me asking? I want a solid black in the future, or real dark. I love the dark ones. Sables are beautiful too. I was lookinig at some pics on the internet. It got me wanting another one, but I have fibromyalgia and it is hard with one high spirited dog, who just woke up. Darn... lol...

I do have to go, I will write more.

Hugs, Karen...
Posted 2/16/2012 1:54 PM (GMT 0)
I am sorry that I had to cut my post short, but I am back.

I have found taking life one day at a time has really helped me. It was on accident, when I got fibro, I couldn't worry about the next day. So I learned to live in the moment. I found that really helps me. Though I do have something on my mind at this time that I need to forget. My problem...

Living in the moment helps. In the now as they call it. Enjoy your dogs. They bring much joy. You will make friends through your class. And in time things are going to be good for you. I have faith in that. I am out of sorts right now. Not living in the moment as I should be so I am not too much help. I have to clear my mind and will post more. I am sorry for this. Just want you to know I do care.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 2/16/2012 2:08 PM (GMT 0)
welcome to the forum!

You have the "caretaker" syndrome so many wives and moms do....it is always about others...after many years, we realize we have no real life of our own. And THAT is depressing...so like Karen said, try to find out side interests, volunteer...I am struggling with this myself right now...my daughter is 15, but will be leaving ther nest in 2 years and that terrifies me.

I feel like a hypocrite for gving advice I seem paralyzed to do for myself, but you seem like a gutsy lady and I feel sure you will overcome this. Is there a clinic not associated with the base you could get some counseling? It lifts such a burden when we tell someone else our worries and fears.

Hope you keep posting-we need all the laughs around here we can get-lol

take care
Maggie
Posted 2/16/2012 2:19 PM (GMT 0)
Maggie,

Thanks for posting, I am having kind of a rough day.

Huggles, Karen
Posted 2/16/2012 3:08 PM (GMT 0)
Karen,

My daughter is such a great kid, she realizes I'm struggling, so she calls and texts, trying to get me to "open up", it's really sweet. I down play my feelings with humor because I don't feel comfortable blurring our roles. I'm going to be fine, I'm just trying to figure out my purpose I this moment and I appreciate your kind words and the empathy you're showing for my state of mind. I'm so sorry that you've been going through a rough time as well.

Both my Shepherds are sable, I've had GSDs for twenty years and they are so important to me, they make me get outside of my own head and focus on them. I try to live in the moment like they do.

Maggie,

There's no hypocrisy in empathizing with someone, reaching out and saying you get it. I appreciate your kindness, truly. I generally use humor to get through things, it's actually very healing. I've always had a life/job outside of caring for my family and I'm just finding myself in unfamiliar territory right now. I just keep plugging away, knowing I'll figure it out, but being impatient with myself until I do. It was weirdly helpful to write it down and have people say that they understand. Thank you, and I hope you are able to work through your own struggles as well.
Posted 2/16/2012 4:10 PM (GMT 0)
I've read over my response, and I feel the need to be clear that I'm not trivializing my state of mind or anyone else's. I'm a controlling personality when it comes to myself, I believe in my heart that I can allow depression to swallow me, or I can take control and work towards sorting it out. I choose working towards sorting it out but that has been easier said than done.

First I allow myself a certain amount of down time to feel sorry for myself, then I start setting goals, today I'm going to shower... I know that may seem lofty, but I've always been an overachiever, ha! I try and be patient with myself and look to the positive side- I didn't get outta bed today, oh well, at least I didn't have to make the bed. All of this depends where I'm at or what I'm struggling with. I lock myself into commitments as a way to force myself out, such as herding lessons. On the day of training I may not feel up to it, but because I made the commitment, I have to go... And when I go, I usually feel pleased that I went, I have a good time.

I'm not being flip or saying it is easy and I try and make realistic goals such as. Today I will go to Walmart
Today I will sweep and mop
Today I will make a point to get out of my head and be genuine and kind to someone I encounter

I understand that this method of coping is not for everyone, but depression makes me feel out of control and a little helpless, two feelings I dislike, so I try and find ways to empower myself, things that make me feel like I'm moving forward in an effort to regain a sense of stability. I always try and validate my feelings but at the same time I don't want to lose perspective or allow myself to be sucked down the ugly cycle that is depression.

When my Dad died, I met people who had lost both parents, when my child left for college, I met a lady who just lost her child in a car accident, I was feeling sorry for myself because my husband goes away and I met a young lady who's husband was recently killed in Iraq. Those encounters didn't lessen my grief or my struggles but they allowed me to put myself in someone else's position, to get out of my own head and to reevaluate how I choose to handle things. My mindset may not be appropriate for others but it has helped me get through many of life's hardships and I believe it will help me get through this vague sense of no purpose and floundering that I'm dealing with now. All the best is what I wish for y'all today, Jen
Posted 2/16/2012 8:34 PM (GMT 0)
I do the same thing Jen...set very small goals for myself every day, some days I get them done, some ...weellll?

Being able to laugh at ourselves is critical, this is such a serious disease it is easy to get sucked into the vortex, never to be seen again.

I, too always count my blessings everyday because I have sooo much to be thankful fo, that other people wold die to have. I do a gratitutde journal-5 things every day and you find it easy to come up with 10 when you look at the world around us. I feel guilty for being depressed when I have a good family, lovely home. Does any one else feel that way? I know it is a disease but still feel guilty.

Anyway Karen, sorry you are having a rough day sweetie-will email

Jen-you are a very strong woman and I know you will find your way. When you do, will you send me directions? LOL

Maggie
Posted 2/16/2012 10:08 PM (GMT 0)
Maggie,

I too feel guilty, my life is good- wouldn't it be nice if we could literally move to higher ground to find the direction we need to take?

My next step is going to be a juice fast... try not to laugh! My husband goes again in a couple of weeks, so I'm waiting until then, it's easier. I watch kooky documentaries sometimes and I happen to have seen one that struck a cord with me, Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead, pretty interesting, not so much the weight aspect, but the health aspect. I'm going to strive for a 10 day fast to detoxify, we shall see

Maggie, it sounds as if we're struggling with similar things... I'm convinced growing up Catholic played a part in my chronic feelings of guilt, lmbo!

Karen,

I love talking dogs, especially German Shepherds, please free to ask anything about my boys or to tell me anything about your German Shepherd. I love all GSD colors but my boys always end up being sable. I used to do GSD rescue and foster, unfortunately my husband was uncomfortable coming home to strange GSDs and asked me not to foster anymore. My older male is very dominant and would struggle with me bringing in adult GSDs now anyhow. He's not a GSD for the faint of heart or inexperienced, lol, but he is a rockstar! I really hope you're doing alright, I know you mentioned having a rough time right now. I'm thinking of you, Jen
Posted 2/16/2012 11:16 PM (GMT 0)
Jen
I'm not going to laugh at any attempt to get better (as long as the person is not being scammed)..What is the juice fast? Wow 10 days...can you take a multivitamin with it? Let us know how it goes and be careful.

Yes my hubby is a lapsed altar boy Irish Catholic....he has even me beat in the guilt trip dept. And I know it is such a destructive energy...if we could just pluck it out and replace it with joy!!!

I have 2 dogs too, neither near as fierce as yours and Karen's. Shepherds are so intelligent they can be a handful, but it also makes them so wonderful for work and service.

ok- timer just went off for roast chicken-gotta go-hope to talk with you soon Jen
Karen-have a good time tonight and play a couple of quarters for me-lol

Maggie
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