How can I stop relapsing?

I am 16 and have been experiencing depression since the age of 11, but only got in to treatment for it a year ago. For the first few months of therapy I did well; took my meds, went to counselling every week... and after finding the right antidepressant, things began to get better.

But I have a tendency to be very reckless and impulsive, and find it hard to resist doing destructive things. I feel like I deserve to be punished. My mood swings up and down very regularly and sometimes I feel out of control. I have overdosed quite a few times on my prescription meds and a couple of months ago I stopped attending counselling and stopped taking my meds altogether. Since quitting therapy, I have also dropped out of school and have just been lying in bed literally all day. My psych has tried to get me to go back in to therapy but has since given up and stopped making appointments. I guess you can say I relapsed back in to a very deep depression.

A few days I overdosed again and got severely ill, and now I know that I can't go on like this. I know I need to get back into recovery, but I am so worried that I will do something stupid, relapse and waste everyones time again. You may say that perhaps my meds weren't right for me the first time, but they were. I was actually getting better - but I felt like I didn't deserve to get better or to feel happiness. That's one of the reasons I stopped taking them.

If I do start going to therapy and taking my meds again, how can I cope better with the idea of recovery? I find it very hard to stay stable and I was wondering if anyone else felt this way while in recovery, and if there's anything I can do to prevent relapsing again.

Thank you for any replies, they are much appreciated!

getting by,

Thanks for your reply. I know I need to get back in to therapy - not only for myself, but for the people around me. I think the fact that I know I will have to work so hard each day puts me off getting back in to recovery as I know how hard it will be. I also know that once I'm getting better, people will expect me to take responsibility for myself, go back to school, find a job etc. It's quite childish of me to be scared of that but I guess depression gives me something to hide behind and without it I feel lost.

I guess sabotaging with my recovery has become a method of self harm and it's often hard to resist doing it. I am a very weak willed person anyway, so it's hard to stay on track. I have thought about a mood stabilizer as I usually go manic while on antidepressants but I'm not sure she would prescribe me it as I'm young.

Thanks for your reply again, I will try to get back in to therapy but I can't guarantee I will stick to it :/

-Tara

getting by,

I will take your advice and try hard to stay on track with my meds and counselling this time. I know it will be hard but I think I can do it. I'm feeling positive about it this time, whereas I wasn't before!

Thanks again,

-Tara

with much healing compassion to you, jamie

When you get back into therapy try to really open up about what you do, feel, etc. Also do not be afraid to bring up things like you think you need an adjustment on your medication or maybe adding another medication to the mix. You can't and won't know until you ask.

One thing I am curious about is if you have ever been evaluated for ADD/HD. If not it is something you may want to consider having done. The reason I bring this up is due to you saying that you are often reckless, impulsive...etc. I have a kid who is ADD/HD and he is the same way and is also prone to bouts of deep depression.