I urgently need some relationship advice

Hi everyone,

I used to come on here all the time but took a little break. I really need some relationship advice. I'm 27 but this is my first boyfriend and although I'm getting older, I'm really inexperienced.
Anyway, back in July '11, I started dating this guy who I met through my sister. Everything was fine for the first part of the relationship and then in Sept, he gets really drunk one night and has a very sexual conversation online with this mutual friend of ours. He even went so far as to proposition her saying he would like to do certain things to her but doesn't make any mention of meeting up or anything. This was the first time they actually talked and the main reason he even started talking to her is to explain that it wasn't him on his account the night before(my brother came to visit and started writing these funny things to the girl through status updates on my boyfriends account) Before that, we all would play softball over the summer, but their friendship was strictly platonic and they were more like acquaintances. So the next day after he talks to her, he tells me about the conversation, mostly about what she told him but leaves out certain things he told her and so I asked if I could read it. He refuses to show me and says he didn't say anything inappropriate to her and I should just trust his word. I let it go but throughout the next few months, he randomly brings her name up in conversations, even once when we were making out. I then gave him an ultimatum that if he doesn't show me, I was going to break it off with him. He then says we shouldn't let something petty like this ruin what we have. I pretended that I was fine but couldn't take it anymore so I decided to hack into his facebook account. I read the conversation and it gave me an ulcer, which left me sick for days. I confessed to him the next day that I had hacked and instead of getting mad, he gives me his password so that there wouldn't be any more trust issues. I apologized for hacking and explained that he was acting suspicious and I didn't want to be made into a fool so I had to read it. He understood and then explained he only propositioned her so she wouldn't think he's gay. I for some reason believed him and so we moved on. So a few more months pass and we get to talking about the future and how he would never cheat on me again. I was taken back because I wasn't sure what he was talking about. He then said that he "sort of had a cheating conversation" but it was only a one time thing and only did it because he was unsure of the relationship at the time. I asked him why he didn't just break up with me instead of flirting with another woman. His answer was that it was just a fleeting moment caused by an over excessive amount of alcohol use. He then tells me I was the only woman he was into and that since the incident, his feelings for me have grown much stronger. So last week, we get to talking about different things and the "sexual conversation" gets brought up again. He confesses that he was flirting with the girl because at the time, he had a small crush on her and thought she was interesting. This hurt my feelings really bad and even gave me another ulcer. A few days later, he then said "crush" was the wrong term and that it was more of a fantasy because he claims he would never actually have sex with her. He was just tempted in that one moment to flirt since he was drunk. I told him months prior after I read the conversation that I would forgive him as long as it doesn't happen again(which it hasn't). He also has cut back on his alcohol intake so to prevent anymore situations like this from arising. However, I'm still having a hard time letting this go. I want to move on from this but every time I log into facebook, I see the girl's name and I'm reminded of it all over again. I don't want to defriend her because she didn't really flirt back with him. It's been 7 months and it still bothers me. Do yall think this is considered cheating? Back when I was single, I told myself I would never let a man cheat on me. However, I didn't even consider this cheating but he seems to think so. What should I do? Please everyone. I need all the advice I can get.

Thanks for the input but I'm not going to break up with him unless he actually physically cheats. If every couple broke up because a significant other flirted, half of the couples in the world would no longer exist. I don't want to give up so easily especially when my feelings for him have grown just as strong. I mainly just need advice on how to handle the situation(sans breaking up.) Delete the friend from my list? Ask him to delete her? He actually did at one point on his own but she added him back, because she actually is a nice person. We've had a few conversations ourselves so I don't really want to delete her. I'm in a rut. The more I talk to him and hang out with him, the better I feel but it's when we are apart that I feel insecure. At the beginning of our relationship, I didn't really express my feelings toward him because this was all so new to me and I would barely even kiss him(I had never kissed anyone before him) so maybe he felt like his needs weren't being met and since the girl did give him a little bit of attention, maybe that's why he was drawn to her. Either way, I am not putting all the blame on him so I won't give up just yet. We have a pretty open relationship and this is really the only problem we've had thus far. Ever since I've read the conversation between the two, I've actually felt much closer to him so while it may seem like a curse, maybe it's a blessing as well.

Thanks for the advice. I think alcohol has played a major part in our problems especially since I don't drink and never have, so I can't understand how "good" it makes him feel. He is doing a lot better though. He says he has cut back 75% since we've started dating and is even taking a 3 month hiatus so hopefully things will start to improve. We just recently had our last(hopefully) fight about his "cheating" convo and for him to describe it as such disturbed me because I see all these other women in my town deal with cheating boyfriends/spouses and I told myself I would never put up with it. He is not a christian but I am so I am trying my best to practice what I preach and forgive him but at the same time I don't want to be made into a fool. Thanks for listening everyone.

Well like I said, he has cut way back on his alcohol intake since we've been dating so I'll give him that and since no other incidents have happened, I'm trying to let this go and move on. It just hurts that he had feelings for another woman, even if it was only temporary(so he says). I guess I should have never hacked into his account but I hated the fact that he was hiding something from me. The odd thing is after I found out, we got a lot closer and our relationship became stronger but for some reason, I still cannot get this out of my head. There are days when I will completely forget about it and others where I obsess over it in my head all day long. Ugggh! Anyway, I guess I just needed to vent because I don't have many friends, especially girls that I can ask for advice on when stuff like this happens. Thanks everyone.