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Posted 3/29/2012 2:08 AM (GMT 0)
so its been a little over a year that i have been really unbearingly dealing with my depression! it really started to take off when i cheated on my boyfriend... and not only did i cheat on him.. i did it the day b4 his birthday with the father to my cousins baby!! i know i know im a horrible person!!! i was completely intoxicated(not an excuse)! we broke up and he forgave me a little while after but ever since that day i think about that night EVERYDAY and it stresses me out! ontop of that a few months later im pregnant and 4 months into my pregnancy i have a MISCARRAIGE!! and then because of that i bleed nonstop for 3 MONTHS went on birthcontrol and now cant seem to get pregnant. ive had 2 jobs during all that.. i cant even keep a job!! i feel like a worthless "women"!! i argue with my boyfriend ALL THE TIME! he constantly accuses me of cheating (which i am not) he thinks im writing to other guys and he calls me gay(just because i think women are beautiful) i love him but idk what i should do.. i even to relieve stress A LOT. plus i have ZERO FRIENDS.. i cut EVERYBODY OFF FOR HIM. and its hard living with myself knowing i scarred him for life which deffinitely makes me hate myself.. i didnt even graduate hs!! i dnt/cant even deal with myself!

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 3/29/2012 5:21:59 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 3/29/2012 3:17 AM (GMT 0)
Quite frankly until you can forgive yourself and really like yourself you are not going to be happy with anything.

Yes you messed up and while it may take a long time for your boyfriend to trust you again, assuming that he can truly get over what happened, you need to find a way to forgive yourself.

My best advice to you at this point is to stop trying to get pregnant for the time being and start seeing a counselor to help you unload all of this unhealthy baggage you are carrying around inside of you. While you are at it I suggest sitting down with your boyfriend and have a heart to heart talk with him and let him know how his comments are making you feel and that the constant accusations are damaging your relationship as much as if he was cheating on you.

In addition to single counseling for you some couples counciling may help both of you to move past what has happened or at the very least determine if you can both move past it and do it together. Hopefully your relationship can be salvaged if that what you want, but if not it is better to know sooner than later. Two wrongs do not make a right no matter how you look at it.

Everyone screws up. As long as you have learned from your mistake and avoid repeating it then you have more than paid for it. Please stop hurting yourself and please get some help so that you can stop hurting in all ways.
Posted 3/29/2012 11:24 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Worthlessme,

Welcome to the depression forum. I had to remove two words in your post as we aren't allowed to dicuss self harm. I agree with JIm, you are carrying around all sorts of emotional baggage and you need to talk to somebody to get rid of the guilt. There is no sense in dwelling on something in the past. It does no good for the present. Talk to a counselor and get rid of the guilt. We all make mistakes and the important thing is to learn from them.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 3/29/2012 3:42 PM (GMT 0)
I really think you need to get into an doctor to get that bleeding looking into
by an ob/gyn, if your still bleeding please go see this doctor...Second thing is
you need to seek out counseling to get the appropriate way to get over all
that you've been through...and then see about going and getting your GED,
it would be worth it to go after your GED and then maybe a local community
college....your worth that....
Many many well wishes to you and do keep us posted as we do care....
Posted 3/29/2012 4:55 PM (GMT 0)

Hello - I'm glad that you had the courage to share what you are going through. It sounds like this has been a very painful year and it's evident that you are hurting deeply right now. I have a family member that is going through something similar. I agree with the moderator and Jim, that it would be best to talk to a counselor for all that you are dealing with. In my time with Focus on the Family, I've found many helpful resources for me, my friends, and family members. They offer free counseling  http://bit.ly/GTRNHd and counseling referrals in your area. Also, I hope their article series here http://bit.ly/H4AvFh and here http://www.troubledwith.com/lifepressures/Depression.cfm?p=1157699 are helpful to you. Keep reaching out to others for help and I will be keeping you in my prayers!

Posted 3/31/2012 11:14 PM (GMT 0)
 Hi, My "name" is mrenee.  I'm alot like you.  I know I'm a good person but I have all of the shame and guilt and ... that you blogged about:  I just left my husband's mother funeral and had to hold my head up around his family that think I nothing but a ***** even though we have been married for over seven years now.  I do understand how they feel because I had an affair with my husband for ten years before he left his first wife and then married me.  confused ... and that is not even the beginning of my scandolous life...My question (to myself) is:  How could a kind-hearted, loving person like myself end up in a place like this?????
Posted 4/1/2012 1:35 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Mrene,

When you say "how could a kind-hearted, loving person like myself end up in a place like this?????", I am asking a place like what? What is it that is making you unhappy? Did I miss something in your post? Are you talking about the shame and guilt? Please explain. I know I am missing something here.

I hope we can help you to get to a better place in your life.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/2/2012 4:53 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Karen,

Mrenee here.  I am unhappy because I have caused pain to others with my choices.  Thats really hard for me to deal with.  I believe its guilt. I wanted so much to be a part of my husbands family and in addition, he

is not speaking to some members of his family because of our marriage.

I don't want that for him. My family feels the same, so thats a hard one, especially during times like this and during the holidays, on birthdays, etc...   Thank for asking and for the Hugs

Mrenee

High Blood Pressure, Anxiety, Incest-Survivor

Post Edited (mrenee) : 4/2/2012 10:58:38 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/2/2012 8:49 PM (GMT 0)
You need to get rid of the guilt that you feel and put everything behind you. Make a fresh start in your mind. Everybody makes mistakes in their lives. I think we are the hardest ones on ourselves. We have trouble fogiving ourselves but we must let that go and get on with life. I know it isn't easy. But know we are all here right beside you.

My husband and I spend a lot of holidays together. Sometimes we see the grandkids. The last time it was an awkward situation though. So I don't even know what is going to happen on Easter. And it is coming up fast. I like to get the two little ones something. The older kids have outgrown the Easter Bunny. I just don't know what is going on. They might be going down to mil's...

When things get tense, stay away from that. Just spend time with your husband and make the time special between the two of you. That is what I am going to do.

Take care, keep posting...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/3/2012 3:45 AM (GMT 0)
 You are so right.  Enjoying my husband would probably relieve a lot of

my stess.  There are times when I do so and without thinking about all of the awkwardness and it great! I just don't know how to tap into that frame of mind sometimes. 

Making a fresh start each day may be my new daily plan.  

I hope you have a peaceful Easter and find just the right gifts for the

two little ones. My kids are grown and haven't done the egg hunt in several years, so I kind of miss that.  I don't have any grandkids yet, so  I usually buy candy and bake something with the Easter look. 

I really appreciate you. Thanks

  Mrenee

PS) How are you doing with your fibromyalgia?

Posted 4/3/2012 12:57 PM (GMT 0)
 I'm looking for something called, "daily affirmations"(?) Does anyone have any they can share?  Something about mornings or about getting a fresh start would help. 

Thanks,

MRenee

Posted 4/3/2012 12:59 PM (GMT 0)
Fibromyalgia not too bad. We have a front moving in today (rain) and I am a little more achey, but not bad.

I still don't know what is up for Easter, I need to call my DIL and find out what they are doing. The youngest grandkids is who I would get for. A lot of times they go down state to her mom's. So I need to find out plans. If nothing else, I would like to mail them something. Only a few days away though. They have some cute stuffed animals at Hallmark that talk to you as you read a book. They would love that. I just don't know the prices yet. Might not be able to afford them.

Making a fresh start to each day is good. That is what I do. I take it as it comes. Less anxiety that way. You never know what the future holds in this life. Could be good things just around the corner. I hope that you have a lovely day Mrenee. Keep posting. The forum has been slow, but many times there are many more people on it. So you get more responses.

Keep me posted on how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen
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