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My wife's depression: Can I do ANYTHING right?

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Posted 4/2/2012 2:18 PM (GMT 0)
My wife is depressed...HORRIBLY DEPRESSED! IM SO CONFUSED! She has been struggling with depression for a few years. Lately it has gotten worse! I messed up a few months ago as I was sad because of a lost loved one. I didn't cheat on her, but looked at another woman. She caught me and that was it. Her depression spiraled. It was bad before...same arguments over everything I do wrong. I cook, I clean, I wash clothes (if she washes them they don't get folded) So ill fold if she can manage to wash. I get the kids ready in the morning, i do their homework with them. It's a constant cycle. That hasn't changed. We are in a position where we are always around people, as a matter of fact, her interaction with people is a big part of my job...and she is not interacting at all. So that hurts me there. My daughter is struggling in school because I sometimes dont get home until a little later and she hasn't done ANY of her homework because my wife wont do it with her. (she will sometimes, but when we argue she makes it a point to talk about how she does her homework, thats wrong, it's a rare occasion). We have a 2 year old at home, who is stuck in her dark room ALL DAY LONG watching TV, he isn't potty trained yet and she sleeps through most of the day. Sometimes Im scared that something bad is going to happen because she is sleeping. I will call her during the day, and she is sleeping...yet in our arguments, she yells at me because of her "HARD WORK" at home taking care of our kid!!!! But all she does is sleep, and feed him breakfast and lunch. Our dog is in the crate all day except for when she will walk him in the morning (so she says) because it seems he is there all day long. She takes her anger out on me and the kids. She will say one thing and yell at us if we do it wrong. She yelled at me for CLEANING OUR ROOM AND TOUCHING HER CLOTHES, YET, SHE WON'T LIFT A FINGER TO CLEAN THE ROOM. She yells at me if I leave socks in the living room yet, IM THE ONE THAT CLEANS THAT LIVING ROOM EVERYDAY, so if i come home and leave them there...i should be able to since im cleaning the thing. She will nitpick at everything I do..I can't tell her a story without there being some form of negative comment. She thinks EVERYONE hates her, she wants people to go after her..if someone doesn't say something to her automatically they are talking about her or have been coerced by someone to hate her. Again, this doesn't happen to everyone, but to most people. She thinks other girls have crushes on me when they clearly don't and unfortunately her way of thinking has affected my oldest daughter. This negative outlook on things. Oh, and she is ALLOWED to have days to herself, like go to the beach...yet when I ask to go fishing, its like pulling hair. I haven't been out and done something for myself in over 8mos. She feels that MY JOB IS ENOUGH BECAUSE IM NOT AROUND THE KIDS AND IM ALONE HERE AT WORK. WHAT?!!! This is a rant...but I NEED ADVICE!
Posted 4/2/2012 2:28 PM (GMT 0)
Hello, Saddad, and welcome to the Depression Forum,

Your wife clearly needs to see a psychiatrist to have a diagnosis made regarding the type of depression she has and which medications are most likely to be of help in bringing the brain chemistry back into balance.

This illness is scary, in my view, although Marie Curie said "nothing is to be feared; it is only to be understood". The problematic things relate to the children's damage psychologically and to the damage to your own psyche. I would guess that psychotherapy is needed for the whole family. And the poor dog needs to be outside every day for at least a long walk in the sunshine.

Take care of yourself now, first, and make sure that the children get the proper help to restore their sense of identity and enjoyment of life.  Be strong in insisting that your wife get psychiatric care right away.

I'm thinking that the illness doesn't get better unmedicated and she definitely needs that as well as verbal therapy.

Good wishes,

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 4/2/2012 8:32:25 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/2/2012 2:35 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you Genetic! My wife does currently take medication...quite a few actually. Im not sure how well they work as nothing has gotten better. Oh, and I failed to mention in my original post, that I wasn't using the lost loved one as an excuse to look at another woman. I think my guard was down and I made some horrible mistakes. Over the years, the depression has caused me to think of other women...not in a sexual way, but more of a "I wonder how my life would be if I was with her" way...because right now, my life feels so empty and alone. There are sparks sometimes in our marriage, but then it drops considerably. Last night, she was so angry with me because I went to the defense of someone who was being disrespected, she was mad because she said that I "don't fight for her like that" which is a total untruth! I ALWAYS fight for her. but then after about 2 hours of me ignoring the situation and her slamming things, throwing things, she came and gave me a hug and said she loved me...then 30 mins later...ANGRY AGAIN. I feel like im taking crazy pills.
Posted 4/2/2012 2:53 PM (GMT 0)
Then her medications need to be re-examined and changed, Saddad. They are not working effectively. Her behavior, frankly, is that of a person who has regressed to that of a two-year-old, and she needs help to bring her back to a mature level of conduct.

Please see that she gets it.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 4/2/2012 8:56:43 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/2/2012 4:13 PM (GMT 0)
I agree, her medicines need to look into as some depression medicines can make depression worse...
and I also think you need to get your wife in for a physical with her regular doctor to make sure she
is okay, and then seek out counseling for her and take her to the first appointment...
Make sure she gets the helps she seems to be crying out for....
many well wishes to you both....
Posted 4/2/2012 4:29 PM (GMT 0)
Saddad,
I know you don't understand how she feels because you have not "been in her shoes". She is suffering so bad right now. It is hard to do basic daily things, much less take charge of her depression. She may feel like by taking the medication that she is on, that she is doing something about it. Her psychiatrist should be able to modify her dosage or even change her medications until he/she finds something that works for your wife. I am no expert, but, as Genetic said, she is acting like a 2 year old and I know that that is a sign of having a personality disorder. You might read up on Borderline Personality Disorder and see if she matches the criteria for that. I was diagnosed with a "slight" case of BPD and have read extensively about it. I also suffer for the extreme jealousy. The extreme jealousy along with the extreme depression is why I have FINALLY decided to seek therapy and get back on my medication. The jealousy was eating away at me and there is absolutely NOTHING to be jealous about with my husband. Intelectually, I know this, but the feelings were eating me up inside. I could not control it.

Perhaps you could speak to her doctor. Call and tell him/her your concerns. I figure that if she knew you did that, that she would probably get pretty upset. I am not sure about laws on such things, but would hope that he/she could do this without your wife finding out. I don't know how often she is seeing her doctor, but he/she is missing cues on your wife's condition.

Good luck Saddad. Please keep us updated on your wife's condition.

masschaos
Posted 4/2/2012 4:42 PM (GMT 0)
thank you all so much for your help. I looked up BPD and that doesn't seem to fit the bill. We did look at Hyper/Hypothyroidism as a possible cause...she has most of the symptoms there. We will be calling our doc. I like the idea of calling her doc, i think that will help. She won't find out for sure. I love my wife dearly...she is my best friend and I want to help her in every way, so these posts are helping...it also helps me as I haven't spoken to anyone about it.
Posted 4/2/2012 6:44 PM (GMT 0)
First of "Dad" if all you did was look at another woman you did nothing wrong. Guys look....and truth be known so do women. There is nothing wrong with a passing glance. It might be different if you spent 20 minutes staring at another woman especially when you were with your wife as that would be bad manners, but you didn't do that and your wife is making mountain ranges out of a thimble of sand.

You said she has been depressed for several years. Does the onset of her depression happen to coincide with either of her pregnancies or births of your children by any chance? Also does she seem to get worse at the same time each month and then seems to get slightly better? If the answer to either or both of those questions is yes I would mention it to the doctor when you talk to him. You might be dealing with a hormonal issue and having a hormone panel run might be a good idea. I happen to know a woman who exhibited much of what you described and it started shortly after the birth of one of her kids. Nothing worked until her doctor decided to check her hormone levels which turned out to be way off. After treatment she did a lot better. This is what made me think this could be going on with your wife.

Another thing I am wondering is if your wife is really taking her medicines. Do you see her take them everyday? If you do does she end up going to the bathroom or near the trash can right after she "takes" them?

Finally if your wife is becoming as violent as you say she is I would seriously consider looking into having her placed in the hospital on the grounds that she is a danger to herself and others. If you don't want to do this then at least find a daycare for the 2 year old and also line up a sitter for your other child....away from your house this summer.
Posted 4/2/2012 7:12 PM (GMT 0)
If it is an thyroid disorder then an Endocrinologists is the doctor you need to have her see....
She'll need fasting and non fasting bloodwork....it does sound more like medical issue to me...
I hope you can get her seen soon....keep us posted, we do care....

and what Jim said is correct as well, men do look, my husbands looks, (at other women)
he just never lets it get farther than that....Trust is a big componet to any marriage....
Posted 4/2/2012 8:36 PM (GMT 0)
Right now, Saddad, if you walked into a psychiatrist's office and told him that your wife is ill emotionally and that you want to help her, he would in all probability listen carefully to you and then tell you that you cannot help her.

She requires psychiatric help from an objective person who can and will define the illness and treat her appropriately for it. As much as you wish to be of help, you are, in her mind, a big part of the problem, so it's going to be best to place her in the hands of a psychiatrist if she is willing to try to be pro-active in her recovery or at least to have the illness go into remission by stabilizing the chemistry of the brain.

Hers is a serious illness, Saddad, and needs a specialist's care. General practitioners are not schooled in how to do talk therapy, as a rule, and she needs that as well as psychotropic medications.

Please go yourself to a psychiatrist and seek his advice about how to get your wife into a therapeutic situation. Don't forget that the children are being affected by this and also probably need psychtherapy, as well.

Good wishes to all in your family,

It's Genetic
Posted 4/2/2012 9:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Saddad,

This is Karen... I wanted to take a moment and welcome you to the depression forum. You have gotten a lot of good advice so far.

I just want to add, that it is possible that you could use some assistance with this situation such as talking to a counselor. That would help you deal with this and give you some guidance as to how to approach this situation. Your wife definately needs help. She is ill. And being jealous and insecure is part of the depression. So try to over look things and don't blame her. She can't help it.

I think if you want to go fishing, you need not ask. Just go. Only you can take control of your life and do the things that bring you some pleasure. It is up to you. Not whether your wife allows you or not. And if you are letting her make your decisions, this falls back on you. Not her... Get some counseling to help you. And do continue to post here. It helps so much to get things off of your chest.

I hope this brings you better days.

Hugs, Karen
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