HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

I need help....

Support Forums
>
Depression
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 4/4/2012 10:08 AM (GMT 0)
Hi guys this is my first post here and i hope i can find some help or advice here that will help.


it's been a couple months now with what feels the most sever depression i've ever had and it all started from a break up. me and this girl that I was crazy about and she seemed to feel the same about me was very close from day one we lasted about 3 months. couldnt remember a time where i was so happy it seemed like my life was finally getting better but things started to turn and me and her hit a few obstacles and i was unsure if i wanted to take things further with her. this was going on for a few weeks and i could see it was hurting her which was hurting me and it got to the point where she had enough and decided too much had happened and it was over.

this hit me like a tone of bricks and didnt just break us but it broke me in every single way im just a hollow version of myself im always on edge I cry alot she was the first girl i fell in love with in 3 years and those 3 years i was depressed during them too but she took it all away as soon as I met her. I cant talk to my friends cause they say all the same cliche things like "theres more girls out there" or "you'll get over it soon" but the fact is i wont break ups with a girl I love absolutely destroys me. I mean I spent 3 years mourning my relationship until this one thats how hard they hit me. Because when a girl gets my heart its truely theirs and theres nothing I can do about that.

the hardest part is that she just broke all contact like i never meant anything to her which doesnt make sense because we was so close it was unreal we would contact each other all day when apart then be around each other whenever we could. but shes just disappeared and left me to sit in my own pain. for the first month i would text her pretty much everyday trying to get some contact but then i deleted her number thinking it would help so i couldnt text her. but i only lasted 3 weeks and then I went to her facebook wall recently and messaged her that way saying i still care about her but still no reply. and to make it worse even though we're not friends on facebook i can see her status updates and shes nothings but happy by the looks of it. maybe even too happy. and that just cuts even deeper that she doesnt need me anymore.

this is a deep pain that has taken over me in any aspect of my life my friends notice it, im un-employed and gave up looking for work cause i just dont care and if i even did get a job i would probably not turn up or not perform well and lose the position. it haunts me from the very second i wake up as shes the first thing that pops into my head without fail and that instantly ruins my day. i can get to sleep ok but i wake up like 5am wide awake as if it was 12 midday. why do break ups hit me so hard? i can take anything else in life i know it might sound harsh but i can deal with a death in the family alot easier im not sure why (not saying its easy at all). im actually a strong person but i think its because when i love someone they become the biggest part of me and when they leave im left with nothing.

i hate the other aspect of it. the way people see it sometimes that im feeling sorry for myself but its not true im a broken man and i've lost my way and lost who i am. im desperate for help im in need of something that i dont think is possible. the only cure i can think of is her coming back but thats clearly not gonna happen and im trying to face that fact. i try to stay busy but i cant focus at all i had a job interview last week and it went so poor because she was in my head the whole time and to be honest there was a point in the interview where i could of just cried.

what do you see when you read this? do you see a man thats just heartbroken and will be ok very soon like alot of people around me think or do people here really understand that yes im extremely heartbroken but im also extremely sick and in need of help

i hope i can find some advice here i cant cope anymore
Posted 4/4/2012 12:58 PM (GMT 0)
I don't have a lot of time right now to comment, but something to consider is that it is a very real possibility that the reason your ex girlfriend has broken off all contact is that it is too painful for her. Breakups can be very difficult for both people.

While it is quite normal to feel depressed for a time after any kind of loss it is not normal for it to continue for years as you say your last one did. This tells me there is more going on than your basic situational depression. Because of this you really should seek out some professional help through a counselor, and psychiatrist or psychologist. Whether you need just therapy or therapy and some medications is impossible to say and will need to be decided between you and a qualified professional.

You can get a handle on all of this and it can get better but you first have to take the steps needed. If you are unsure where to get started your local mental health clinic and/or your family doctor are good places to start.
Posted 4/4/2012 2:49 PM (GMT 0)
Hi there,

Welocme to the forum. I was thinking the same as Jim. This is probably hard for her and she had to break contact. You will get pass this. But I think you need help as Jim posted. Start with your doctor. Counseling is a great way to get past things that taunt you.

Breakups aren't easy. But you need to get on with your life, get a job and continue living. There will be other women in your life, though it doesn't feel that way right now. Take it one day at a time. Try to live in the moment. It makes life a lot easier that way.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/5/2012 8:20 AM (GMT 0)
what you two said about it hurting her i hope you two are right cause it brings a slight comfort, not that i want her to hurt but to think that maybe she did care as much as it seemed. a friend also told me that sometimes women like to act all ok when there hurting deep down (a female friend told me). but why break contact when all im trying to do is make things right....

i have a doctors appointment this morning im gonna see how they can help me.
Posted 4/5/2012 12:24 PM (GMT 0)
I am glad tht you have a doctor appointment today. I hope that they can help you. Sometimes the pain of a relationship is harder than no relationship at all. This might be what she is going through. Am I remembering right? Did you break contact first? I will have to reread your post.

I hope that the doc can give you some guidance.

Let us know how it goes.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/5/2012 4:58 PM (GMT 0)
no we stopped talking for a little bit once cause we was disagreeing but i missed her and made contact again she said she missed me too but needed to think and i was afraid of being hurt and got a little angry and then had the tiniest fight ever but that was enough to drive her away... im really struggling to cope im going out of my mind im slipping hard and i blame myself i had everything i wanted and it got away from me.

i still look her up on facebook to see a picture of her and see what shes doing (almost stalking i know) but i miss her so darn much and i keep crying i feel so pathetic its unreal.

she meant more to me than my previous serious relationship and that took my 3 years to get past i cant go through all that again i dunno what to do i've contemplated  a few times but i wont ever do it i cant hurt my family like that but then im left with one choice. remain sick and to sit in my pain

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 4/5/2012 11:28:16 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/5/2012 5:30 PM (GMT 0)
I had to take a word out of your post. We aren't allowed to discuss suicide.

Remember to take things one day at a time. If this relationship is meant to be, it will. Often we have to let things go. But sometimes they come back.

Don't feel pathetic. You love her and you can't help that. It is just the way that we feel. You have learned from this and that is important.

Keep trying. And live in the moment.

I hope that things get better.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/6/2012 8:17 AM (GMT 0)
i dont know if this is an extremely dumb move but i've decided im gonna catch a train to see her im not gonna knock on her door but im gonna write to her on facebook saying im gonna arrive at a certain time and wait until another certain time and wait to see if she shows. it's the only option i have left
Posted 4/6/2012 12:17 PM (GMT 0)
I don't quite understand what you are saying. JUst make sure that if you tell her you are going to be somewhere, that you are there. Don't leave her hanging just to see if she shows up. Like I say, I don't quite understand what you are doing when you say "wait until another certain time and wait and see if she shows". Just make sure that if you say you are going to be there that you are there.

I wish you the best. Good luck with this...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/7/2012 5:21 PM (GMT 0)
when i met her things were good she seemed happy to see me we hugged alot talked about anything and everything. i felt good after she was texting me too but then she just started blanking me again :/


i cant win
Posted 4/8/2012 11:41 PM (GMT 0)
Lost, I've been in HER shoes. And I'll tell you the truth but you are not going to like it. You need to let it go. From what you've written and from my own experiences it seems like you are the sort of person who has very good intentions, who loves hard and long, and even knows how to treat a girl right. Somewhere deep inside you might even believe in that fairytale romance stuff but, ya know, pretend not to because you're cool. And all of those things are virtues. That's great. But people who love like that and live like that often make one big mistake and they make it often... they try to pin their happiness on their partner. You look to her to brighten your day. She becomes your salvation in this dark world. You picture the two of you standing on a mountaintop against the hordes of black madness that is humanity and safe in eachothers arms. But that is a lot of expectation to place on another person. Some girls just can't handle it. So they back off. And when they back off, you wan't to get them back so you try everything you can think of which just makes it all the worse. Maybe she felt cornered. Maybe she felt like she thought you wanted her to save you from something and she didn't have the power. That's how it usually goes with me and guys. I say if you want her back than back off. Send her maybe one last message, maybe by letter through a shared friend about how great your time together was, how glad you are to have known her and that you wish her well. Don't add any guilt trips or pity. Don't bring up any past resentment. Then at the end say something like how you still have feelings for her but respect her desire for freedom, however you'll always be there if she needs you. Then suggest you have have dinner at your favorite restaurant in three months to see if anything has changed. Casual like. Just to prove you can let go. You don't NEED her. And maybe in three months her heart will have softened towards you. Important though not to bother her with texts and rants and such during those three months. It's no contact lest she initiates. Play it cool.
And if I am wrong about the whole thing and this doesnt apply to you at all than ignore it.
Posted 4/9/2012 7:57 AM (GMT 0)
Lost,
I was engaged to a man once upon a time. He led me on. I thought I loved him, I thought he loved me. One day I saw him with a lady and two kids. I kept my distance, because things just didn't seem right, a tad to friendly if you know what I mean. I saw him kiss her. I decided hey I'm going to see whats up with that.. I went to his work, they never saw me before. I snooped around and acted like I thought he was a hot guy and wanted to know if he was available... I found out he was married and had four kids. Why on earth a man would even produce a ring and ask hand in marriage whilst being married is beyond me. I approached him at work the next day, handed him the ring and said "I know your secret, your wife. I won't be apart of this, its over. Good bye" The look of shock, dismay on his face, but I turned around and walked off. Never talked to him or saw him again.
After that, I took to drinking... always had a bottle. I stopped going to church, thought how could God let this happen to me. A friend, a true friend noticed the bottle, change of attitude, not going to church and made me go to church. Helped me quit drinking. I got so depressed where (don't even think about editing mods LoL) I *** myself before my friend helped me. I now go to church, I don't cut, I believe in God, I am no longer thinking of um if I can't say that word I'll say finishing the deed.
Honey, you have so much going on. Some of us have it worse. In the past month I have funerals not one But FIVE family memebers and I am helping my biological mother recover from surgery. I got my bipolar sister who refuses her medication cussing me out for everything on the end of earth and throwing things while even screaming "I WILL (BEEP) YOU!! I SWEAR I AM GOING TO GET A (BEEP) AND (BEEP) YOU". I have three sick dogs, one whom is paralyzed. Do you know who had it worse than me? Job. Job lost everything - he lost his family, friends, land, house, crops, everything. You know what God did? He paid Job back in tensfold (times 10) of what he had for remaining faithful in Him whilst losing all he had.

Now go get some comfort food, eat it. And keep us updated. Let her come to you. She is not worth it if she leaves you, she doesn't really love you then. Don't let this get you down - heck I don't with my sister. And if you are realy that depressed, go back to the doctor. Ask for a depression medication.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 4/9/2012 5:13:03 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/9/2012 11:19 AM (GMT 0)
Smurfy,

Your story is so sad. I lost many family members in a short period of time in the 90's. It does happen as we get older we see more death. But we have to have faith that these people are going to a better place. It is hard on us though to lose them on this earth. Mine was so bad that my husband got teased at work. Because he had to take so much bereavement time off from work to go to funerals. But I lost five close family members in a very short period of time, two of which were my sisters. They both died at around 47 or 48. that is too young. But they are both in a better place now. So that is my comfort with the whole thing.

I am sorry but we can't talk about self harm. I put askerisks in place of your word. But it does set some people off to read about it. So we don't discuss that here. Same with suicide. It sets members off and that isn't good. And religion is another one that we cant talk about. But I am glad you keep your faith. That gets us through.

Life can be hard. Taking it one day at a time is the best. It keeps us sane. I hope you had a happy Easter. I hope that this is a good day for you too.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/9/2012 12:26 PM (GMT 0)
i really aint coping at all guys :( i read what you said and even though you do have it harder than me it doesnt make my situation any easier and ill you are right im the romantic type and when i fall in love that person truely has me but i wish she felt the same. since friday when i saw her i text her quite a bit saying how much i cared about her which i know im not doing myself any favours by doing it.

i dont understand her though she was so shocked to see me as she didnt get any of my messages on FB or so she said but the shock on her face seemed genuine she was quite speechless for the first 15 minutes but even though she blanked me for 2 months she was happy to sit down and talk with me. so she didnt even know i was there and she walked home a different way than usual to get home from work and she walked right past me was it fate? if you believe in that sort of thing.

we talked i told her i loved her still and wanted her back and thats why i was there she was full of dont knows and couldnt give me a straight answer. i asked why she blanked me its cause she said i went a bit weird, she was asking if there was a relationship coming because we were never official (this is while we was still close) and i miss-read what she said as if she was asking me out right there and then and i wasnt ready so said no but she really meant somewhere down the line. she asked me twice and both times i said no and that she should look somewhere else because deep down i was panicking this was the first time i fell in love in 3 years and the 2 times before that my heart got crushed then too.

when we was talking even though i was shaking inside it felt good but it kinda hurt that shes happy and seems like shes moved on. but what i dont understand and i hope someone can explain is that she said she will re-add me on skype and she also gave me her number again cause i deleted it so i wouldnt text her 24/7. so after i left she text me a little asking how i felt now i had seen her and that she thinks i look good i told her i want to make it back to how it was but after 3 texts she just blanks me again. and doesnt add me back to skype cause i re-added her also but it still says shes not sharing any contact details with me.

i would do anything for this girl except move on i just cant do it its taking everything i got just to not text her which is killing me inside. shes everything i want in a girl and we have so much in common its like shes really another half of me but if shes happy without me i guess she doesnt feel even close to getting back with me. looking back she really did like me and reading over the chat logs on skype we was such a cute couple and i kept her at a distance so maybe i deserve this.... maybe its punishment cause i made some mistakes with her that clearly hurt her alot :(

im gonna leave her alone until thursday and then im gonna text her saying that im gonna come up again the enxt day but im gonna let her know its her choice to turn up and that i wont hold it against her if she doesnt. im hopelessly in love with this girl and its like a disease thats killing me and who i am i have to find a way to make this right somehow
Posted 4/9/2012 2:07 PM (GMT 0)
I personally think you should work on getting you better. You appear to be needy. Let the chips fall as they may. Don't push her, let her make the decision.

If it is meant to be, it will.

Keep posting as we all really do care.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/9/2012 3:02 PM (GMT 0)
For messages to not go through it has to be she blocked you or an extreme fluke. Karen is right though, you have to and I mean have to take the time to get yourself well. The thing about Healing Well, all of us in our own little forums is we all feel like everyone is family. I went years with unexplained problems and my own biological mother would call me a hypochondriac and because of my disabilities she'd tell me I would never graduate from high school. It took me five, not for years but I sure walked out with a full diploma not modified. In the last of my high school years I was 18, got my CNA license and worked full time in the nursing home across the street from school. My second senior year all I had was am classes, so I went to work at 1pm and didn't get home til 11pm.. just in time for my sister as much as I don't like her.. to go to her job and drop an infant in my arms. My As and Bs in school dropped to Cs and Ds teachers asked why, and I would tell them "you try working full time and having a baby to take care at the same time". Teachers gave me slack. Never once Karen (Getting By) or anyone here has put me down. You ask me, they are more my family than mine. I have an 8 year old son (not biological) whom is bipolar, autistic, a.d.d. who I help take care of as well. My best friend is a single father, mother lost all rights to my son because she abused him. We will be here for you, all you need to do is type. I am not on every day, but I do know Karen is and she always responds :p You can email me any time, day or night. Just go to my profile for email addy.
Posted 4/9/2012 4:15 PM (GMT 0)
smurf you sound like a strong person! i usually am too but this is breaking me and thnx for showing support :)


i know im coming off needy but its hard to just not contact her when she is what i need im dieing inside and i can see myself getting worse. getting better just isnt an option.
Posted 4/9/2012 4:45 PM (GMT 0)
Getting better is an option. But you cannot depend on her to do that for you. You have to do that for yourself and then if you two are meant to be together, you will. Forget about clinging to somebody else to help you feel normal. We are all individuals. We are all different. But we all suffer with depression and I know that becoming your own person is what you need to do. Strenghten yourself, become well. Only you can do that. Here is a site that might get you started.

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

Let's start over. With just you, not your girlfriend. She will respect you more for being your own person. I gaurentee that.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/10/2012 5:11 PM (GMT 0)
i really wished that was true but when i didnt bother texting her for three weeks she didnt even bat an eye lid which means she doesnt care anymore right?

i wish i didnt need her to make me happy but i do cause when we finished speaking i felt so happy it was unreal like the pain never happened at all. and its my fault she doesnt care anymore i never should have kept her at a distance when all i really wanted deep down was to be closer. i guess this is my punishment for my mistakes
Posted 4/10/2012 7:26 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Lost,

We learn from our mistakes. It sounds like bad timing on your part, but I don't think it was. I think it just is what it is. You will learn to be happy without other people's assistance. You cant let your life and decisions hang on what others are doing or thinking. You have to just be you.

Lost, are you going to any counseling? I really think it would help to build your self esteme, and you would be much happier. It is work, but we learn as we grow and become fullfilled with life the way that it is. Think about it. I know it would help you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/14/2012 11:10 AM (GMT 0)
So i caught a train again yesterday (friday) told her i was coming by text so this time she definitely knew i was coming but i was left stood there for 2 hours hoping she would come. if that doesnt show that theres nothing there and she really dont give a **** about me nothing will.

man that hurt just standing there.... when i was about to board my train home i rang her and left a voicemail saying "bye abi and take care of yourself". because now there is literally nothing else i can do and i didnt realise until i got home that how desperate i must have looked over the past 2 months trying to get her back which made me laugh but then it hurt again realising girls really dont respond to that and i've 100% pushed her away forever. and its my fault im in this situation in the first place so im kinda angry this morning and upset i feel like i could just breakdown.

my dads been seeing how bad im slipping lately and is insisting her puts me into private counselling even though its costing him it makes me feel bad cause i dont want hime paying all that money just for me when its my fault im here too.

just writing this is making a few tears drop :( i hope i find a way out soon i cant hold on for long until i just give up completely.
Posted 4/14/2012 11:33 AM (GMT 0)
Take the offer on the private counseling. You can always pay him back when you are feelng better.

I am sorry for what she did. Leaving you standing there. But this is a change that you must accept.

Counseling will make the world of difference for you. You will find yourselfr and get stronger. Please consider it.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/14/2012 6:11 PM (GMT 0)
First of all Lost, welcome to the forum. You have lots of folks here who have been thru rejection and its the truth, it hurts worse than death. I can tell you through experience that medication and therapy can help you. Most of all, and the fastest way to feel better is do something for someone. Go help a neighbor, maybe mow an old persons yard. If you live where there are places that help homeless, go there and ask if there is something you can do. Also, start a project like a small garden. Occupy yourself and you will gain respect for yourself and you will see the world is a huge place with many people who go thru just what you are going thru.
Sometimes just acting happy when you arent happy is a tool you can use. I hope you feel better and will go out and do something. It will help, and you will be amazed at how much better you feel. Until later....Cathy
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply