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Posted 4/17/2012 11:31 PM (GMT 0)
I want to know if anyone suffering from depression has experienced discrimination after being admitted to the hospital Psych. Ward?  I'm curious and worried that this might happen to me.  I don't want to tell my Psychologist how I really feel, because I don't want to be placed in a hospital and have my freedom taken.  

Is this an unreasonable fear? Can I be pulled out of this depressive state I'm drowning in?

The worst part about everything is that I keep having flashbacks from my job and the more idle time I have, the more I can't escape these images and the voices. Screaming, crying teenage girls crying out for their mother who is dying in my arms. I used to be able to shut this out. Other images also haunt my waking moments. I can no longer process them. How do I shut them out again? I don't want to tell my Psychologist, cuz I'm afraid she might want to lock me away...is this possible? I can't sleep!

Charles
Posted 4/18/2012 5:19 AM (GMT 0)
Hey Charles,

I'm sorry you are struggling, I really am.

I've had many of the experiences you are talking about (depression, psych ward, etc). I don't know the exact answer to your question.... but my gut tells me that you should be as honest as possible w/ your psychologist, so that you can truly get the help you need. Does that make sense?

Do you have a good relationship w/ your psychologist? Could you maybe say what these fears are - that you want to be able to talk about all the things going on w/ you... but you are fearful that it will lead to a visit to the psych ward. Now that I just wrote that out - I think I've actually said that to a doctor before, lol.

Hang in there.
--Tina
Posted 4/18/2012 6:14 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks Mom,

I just started seeing my Psychologist. This is all new to me, so I don't have any real expectations. Right now I view it as pimping my thoughts...I have to pay someone to listen to me! I don't have any friends where I live and my one true friend has her hands full with her work and family.

It's this whole idle hands concept...I have too much free time on my hands, so I over think...I allow emotions to dictate my life. Thankfully my meds help to dull my senses some. I don't want to feel sad, or lonely anymore. I'm numb and that's better than being an emotional roller coaster!

It doesn't help that I have insomnia on top of all my other medical, physical disabilities. My glass is half full...of ice right now. Cold, hard and motionless...like me.

Charles
Posted 4/18/2012 1:01 PM (GMT 0)
I started taking abilify and it keeps me from overthinking. You might want to give that a try. I use to be really bad. But now I take life one day at a time.

You can too.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/18/2012 2:50 PM (GMT 0)
1. Your p-doc can not help if you keep things from him/her. The more open and honest you are the more the p-doc can help you and the more you will get out of the sessions.

2. There are very specific criteria that must be met before someone can be involuntarily admitted. Also -p-docs/counselors/etc do not suggest hospitalization lightly. They only do it if they feel that it is currently in your best interest.

3. Who are you worried about being prejudiced against you if you do go to the hospital? Who besides your wife, your p-doc, and maybe your family doctor even has to know about it. Even in the off case that you need to tell someone you are going to be in the hospital for a while there is no law that says you have to tell anyone why.

4. While there are always going to be jerks who will make stupid comments about people who have been or are in a mental health ward the overall attitude of society has improved drastically within just the last few years. Most people do not view being in the mental health wing of the hospital any differently than being in any other part.
Posted 4/18/2012 6:53 PM (GMT 0)
Jim, thanks a lot. This was exactly what I need to know. I'm just an idiot feeling this way...I feel shame even though I know I shouldn't. I was raised to be strong and independent and right now I feel useless and worthless. I'm over whelmed with flashbacks and depression and it's a vicious cycle. I don't trust my thoughts and what I might say or do.   

I've tried writing down my thoughts, but they just opened up even more flashbacks. I've locked these memories away on purpose, but now I can't control it. I want to be able to forget my past and move forward.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 4/18/2012 3:05:20 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/18/2012 9:07 PM (GMT 0)
NW

I had to edit your post because we aren't allowed to discuss self harm here.

Always remember your mind protects you and wont let out more than you can handle at any given time. So try to relax, accept what is going on and go through it. Maybe jouraling isn't such a good idea though right now if you don't want to confront this. Is your therapist helping you with this? I went through ptsd and I had a therapist help me though it.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/18/2012 10:22 PM (GMT 0)
Hahahahaha, lol wow! Karen I have no idea what I wrote that needed to be edited. Hahahahaha! That's just great! Wow! I can't remember things I said or did an hour ago...but I keep recalling all the crazy crap I've witnessed throughout my career! It just isn't fair...what did I do, why is all this... Never mind. I guess I should just stop...
Posted 4/18/2012 11:21 PM (GMT 0)
It is in the rules, No Worries. It can trigger other people. So the administrator doesn't allow it. Don't feel bad, but maybe you should go over rules so that they aren't broken again. Like I say, certain things trigger certain members so we aren't allowed to discuss.

Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/19/2012 3:51 AM (GMT 0)
My point is that i don't even remember posting something that broke the rules. My short term memory is shot. It concerns me since I'm trying to post how I feel and I can't even do that right....I mean I can't even remember what I wanted to say.

Obviously I have no intention of triggering others and I don't want them hurting themselves. I read my post and I don't remember posting it. I can't think straight anymore. I can't sleep, I can't remember things, then I keep getting these flashbacks from all the nightmares I've safely stored away from my job. My freakin mind is broken....I have lost control and I don't like it one bit!
Posted 4/19/2012 4:23 AM (GMT 0)
No Worries,

I have suffered through PTSD, depression, anziety and have several medical conditions that cause chronic pain. I went through the flashbacks and depression with my psychologist without going into the hospital. I agree with Jim that no one has to know why you were hospitalized except for your wife and your doctor, and also that the view on mental illness has improved to the point where hospitalizations for mental illness is no big deal.

I hope that you can let go of the anxiety you have of he psych ward long enough to learn to trust your psychologist. Or, begin your conversation as Tina suggested in her post?

I really hope you can rest. Remember to take it one day at a time, or one moment at a time if you need to. I have been there before too and its rough, but you will make it through. You are not useless, even if you are unable to work.

Hugs,
Mindy
Posted 4/19/2012 8:51 AM (GMT 0)
I fully understand. You have this can of worms that has been hidden away in the closet for a long time that has now popped open and you really wish you could get them all back in that can and put it back in the closet since you felt better when it was that way.

Unfortunately, and I think you know this already, at least part of what you are going through is because you never really dealt with those worms and since you locked them up they have now grown and have become monsters.

The only way you are going to find lasting relief and truly heal is to deal with your monsters. Don't just find some new place to lock them out of the way but actually vanquish them forever.

It may seem easier or better to just toss them back into some deep hole, but in the long run no matter how tough the battle to defeat them once and for all may seem it is a fight that is well worth it. It is also a fight you can win.
Posted 4/19/2012 2:50 PM (GMT 0)
It doesn't seem possible. I only have 45 minutes once a week.
Posted 4/22/2012 2:20 AM (GMT 0)
I think I've bottomed out...hit the floor. I feel defeated and my depression has taken over. I can't control the physical pain and it's become too much to bare. Given my mental status, it's not a great combination. I am exhausted both physically and mentally. I tried to get in to see my Psychologist on Friday, but she was booked solid. I saw her last Friday and will see her again next Friday.

It's just too much on my plate...I need to find a way to stop my flashbacks. They've become worse and it doesn't matter how hard I try to busy myself... I stopped taking my antidepressant medication. I want to clear my head and honestly they are not working anyways. They're expensive too! I can't sleep well and I'm tired and cranky during the day. Just the littlest thing can set me off.

It was a really nice day out, so I went for a walk with my wife at the flower and garden show. It was really difficult and frustrating trying to walk through crowds of people who acted like they were the only ones there. People kept stepping on my cane and sneakers! Half way through the maze I started to feel the familiar pain creeping into my left arms and hand.

I was so upset, because I'm trying to exercise and spend some pleasant time with my wife. Instead she sees me limping along and in pain and begins to worry about me. I was hoping for just one afternoon where I could be normal again. I realize I'll never be anywhere near "normal" anymore. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this coming week, before seeing my Psychologist next Friday? Then again, even if I do I doubt she can help me in just 45 minutes! I told my wife I don't care anymore if I go to the hospital, but she freaked out on me and made it clear she doesn't want that to happen to me. There's nothing anyone can do for me? I'm just so unbelievably tired! What can I do?
Posted 4/22/2012 12:32 PM (GMT 0)
Hospitalization is not "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" anymore and neither are electro-convulsive treatments.

I have been in the psych ward 5 times in 4 years and it saved my life. I felt totally out of control, could not trust myself. I was rea;;y scared the first time but now when I get really bad, I look forward to this reprieve from a world that seems really crazy to me. People inside seem like the normal ones-lol.

If you had an open sore and it was infected and getting gangrenous, you would go to the hospital, right? An injury to our soul is no different.

IF it gets really bad, call your psych and ask to be admitted, you do not need to wait if it is an emergency....and I see a crisis heading your way. Take the time to care for yourself-you have beeen thru hell.

Please let us know

Maggie
Posted 4/23/2012 3:58 AM (GMT 0)
Maggie,

I may be irrational, but I am afraid of being locked away, even if it is for my own good. I don't think I could volunteer to go without my wife's support and she is not on board with this possibility. She does now see that my moods are way up high and then crashing too low. I thought I have an appt. with my Psychologist this coming Friday, but it's not until May 4th and that will be three weeks without seeing her and finding a way to get a sense of control over my flashbacks and deepening depression.

I saw the one who flew over the cucKoo's nest and I can't shake that image. What are the rules? Can you wear your regular clothes? Can I use my iPAD, iPod and cell phone?

I can't sleep...so freakin exhausted. I have been off my anti depressant medication for the past three days. So far I haven't noticed a change for good or bad. I figure I could save some money I don't have and also try to better clear my mind from the side effects and my crappy memory. I was also hoping that if I could finally sleep, perhaps I could have a dream for once!

Charles
Posted 4/23/2012 11:23 AM (GMT 0)
Have you seen any doctor since you stopped taking your meds? This is worrying me.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/23/2012 1:07 PM (GMT 0)
Somehow, some way I managed to get a few hours sleep. My alarm clocks are going nuts trying to get me out of bed and ready to face the day. I feel so incredibly dead tired. My eyes feel swollen and I keep drifting off to a surface snooze. I have a PM doctor appt. at 11am, but I don't feel I can drive there safely.

I don't have much of a choice, so somehow I will drag my sorry arse through the day. I just heard on the radio that a man in China was taken into custody because he was just too happy? He spent 8 hours walking around with a smile plastered on his face as he greeted others. I'm pretty sure I don't have to worry about this happening with me.

I guess I need to force myself to care enough to take a shower and get dressed.
I doubt I'll ever get a decent nights sleep, unless I'm locked away and heavily medicated. I'm just going through the motions at this point and time. I wish the Golden Gate Bridge was nearby...I'd love to take a short walk along the bridge and gather my thoughts.

My deep depression has now caused my wife to feel scared and depressed herself. She keeps telling me how worried she is about me and how this makes her sad. In turn this makes me feel like such a loser and I hate myself even more for causing my wife to suffer and be sad and depressed. It's like a snowball effect...

Oh well, I need to try to make an appt. with my Psychologist ASAP. I no longer know what is best for me, because I've stopped caring a while ago. I thought that by stopping my medication I would be able to think clearly and feel better.

Time to splash cold water on my face before I miss my doctor's appt.

I'm taking things hour by endless hour...screw day by day! My mind is like a broken faucet...dribble, dribble...no one should have to deal with my drama. I feel so guilty to be alive while I don't want to be and there are so many good people who are dying or died that loved their life. Why couldn't I trade places with them...

I need to rest for at least a decade or more...

Cheer up people...you could be me!

Charles
Posted 4/23/2012 1:11 PM (GMT 0)
I understand your feeling of exhaustion. Going through the same thing. Just so tired.

Keep trying. Make that appointment.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/24/2012 3:28 AM (GMT 0)
Ummmm, geese thanks Riley...I'm glad I could entertain you.
Posted 4/25/2012 3:24 AM (GMT 0)
No Worries,

Hi, I'm new here and I read your posts and I wanted to let you know I understand how you are feeling. With everything that's happened to you in such a short period of time, no one can blame you for feeling depressed. I also see that you recognize how serious your present mental state is and you are getting professional help.

I see that you also have a lot of physical, mental and economic stressors influencing your thought process. This in turn has interfered with your ability to get any amount of decent sleep and your physical exhaustion feeds into your mental frustrations. It has now become a giant snowball effect that's taking over your life. I think that once you get the right type and dose of medication and continued counseling you will begin to feel a weight lifted off you and start feeling again. As for your wife, wow she is an incredible source of support for you. I realize you worry about her worrying about you, but once you begin the feel better, she will too!

You are not alone, although you feel like it. It's important that you find your hidden energy reserve and use it to fight back. You may not yet realize your new purpose in life, but I assure you everything happens as it should be. It is not always pretty when crap happens, but how you cope with the crisis is another way of defining a new beginning for you.

From all I've read about you in your posts I can see how your previous job defined you. However, it was your inner soul that steered you safely through over ten years of a dangerous and thankless career as a Police Officer. My family are all in Law Enforcement and so I completely understand you when you say you are suppose to be strong and indestructible and steady as a rock.

I also understand your flashbacks you are having may very well be Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder (PTSD) from all the crime scenes, car accidents, victims, senseless deaths and murders, etc. You need to be sure to let your doctors know what you are experiencing. They need to know exactly what you are hearing and seeing, so they can help you sort through everything and you can begin to process our thoughts and experiences. Nothing you are currently going through is easy and you have a rough rode ahead of you, but with a good support base and a healthy attitude you will survive!

Megan
Posted 4/25/2012 11:03 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Megan,

Welcome to the forum... And thank you for your input on this thread. I hope you continue to post here. We welcome newbies!!!

Haev a great day!!!

Hugs, Karen
Posted 4/25/2012 6:19 PM (GMT 0)
Megan,   Thank you!  I have been given a lot of good advice, encouragement and support, but you seem to have nailed it!  I feel I'm finally completely understood with no need to repeat myself or clarify points.  I've been unable to sleep and so my mind is completely gone.  I've reached my breaking point and I'm reaching out in all directions for help.  I don't trust myself anymore. I have this reoccurring urge to play in traffic!   My Psychologist says I should see myself as a survivor and not a victim.   I don't feel I'm a victim and I would have been better off had I not survived!   For every surgery I had to endure since my injury, I'd pray I wouldn't wake up...   Now I can't even sleep...   Thanks for posting...   Have a good day!   Charles   
Posted 4/26/2012 4:10 AM (GMT 0)
I haven't read all the post, and don't know if it has been suggested, but ask your Psychologist or whoever you see about EMDR. Eye Movement desensitation reprocessing, I think thats right.
A lot of people, like soilders, and PTSD victims have really been helped with this. But please if you do it, find someone who does it often and knows it well.
I have done it and it really helps. THe science of it is amazing. Read about, if you like.
I hope calmness and peace feels your entire being soon,
Ang
Posted 4/26/2012 9:05 PM (GMT 0)

I just received a letter in the mail from SSD.  They have denied my reconsideration for application.  I now have to go to a trial hearing, which won't be until sometime next year!  My doctors agree that I am unable to work due to my CP and physical limitations!  Not to mention the side effects from my medication and that I'm now majorly depressed. 

I feel like its a big scam, I've worked almost 30 years and paid my social security taxes.  Now that I need these benefits I'm being denied.  I'm so desperate for some kind of income!  I feel abandoned and kicked while I'm down.  I already feel worthless and now I feel this letter is confirmation that I don't matter. 

I was injured by a reckless co-worker, was subsequently terminated and kicked to the side where all of my so-called friends have stopped communicating with me.  My physical pain and mental pain are equally crippling my will to live.  I have nothing positive left inside me.  I've struggled to make sense of all that has happened to me, but just when I feel slightly better I get slammed to the ground and kicked in my stomach.

I don't want to tell my wife I've been denied SSD benefits for the 2nd time.  She has been working 12+ hours Monday thru Friday and also 6 hours every Saturday!  She told me she is counting on me winning my SSD case so she can finally stop working so hard.  Besides the financial stress my wife endures, she is constantly worried about my mental state of mind.  She calls me several times throughout the day to check on me. 

I feel so ashamed that not only can I not provide for my wife, but that my depression is causing my wife to also feel depressed.  Every day, before she goes to work she makes me promise not to hurt myself.  It doesn't help that I can't sleep anymore.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 4/26/2012 6:20:48 PM (GMT-6)

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