A Part-Time Psychologist Treating My Full Time Depression!

I'm in a bad way...I can no longer put on a fake smile and tell others everything smells like roses.  I'm experiencing more lows than highs each day.  It’s gotten so bad, my depression has caused my wife to worry and stress about my physical and mental health.  I'm starting to influence her mood and that makes me even more depressed and feeling angry with myself.   I tried calling to see my Psychologist last Friday, because things are starting to come undone and it’s out of my control.  I was told she was booked and I just said fine and resigned myself to suffer through the weekend, which I did.  I thought I had an appt. with my Psychologist for the following Friday, which is this coming Friday, but I was wrong.    I called again this morning and asked to see my Psychologist ASAP.  Again I was told she had no openings today.  However, I did manage to get an appt. with her for this coming Friday.  Somehow I need to get through the entire week without... To make matters worse, I just found out that my Psychologist is only part time...she works only Mondays and Fridays!  ***!   My wife just called me from her workplace and she is very worried about me.  She said she was crying and this just makes me feel horrible.  I am already a burden to her, because I lost my job and cannot work, so she has been working a ton of overtime to pay both our bills.   I'm so worried and scared about maybe having to be admitted to the hospital due to my depression.  I've never had my freedom taken from me and unless they heavily medicate me I am not sure how I'll handle it.  I'll probably become even more hopelessly depressed about my so called life.  I went to my PM Doctor’s appt. and I was like a deadwood...I couldn't even fake a smile and I was so unbelievably tired.  Lately my bladder issues have been keeping me up most of the night, so I am barely functioning.   My wife is worried about my health and is afraid I might hurt myself, but she is even more concerned about my reputation, should I'd be admitted to the hospital's Psych ward.  I tried to assure her that Hippo laws protect me and since I'm unemployable and permanently physically disabled I won't have to worry about it.  I also tried to ensure her that should I have to go, no one need know about it, except her and my doctors.    Honestly, I'm very worried if I don't go and I'm equally worried if I do go.  I don't know if I can trust them or myself to tell the truth.  I know what they want to hear and what I need to say in order to be set free.  They say the truth will set you free, but that's not always the case is it?    I tried to explain the obvious to my wife...that it’s all become way too much for me to handle any longer.  I have Chronic Back and neck pain, Sciatic nerve pain going into my left leg.  Four discs in my lumbar are messed up and I'm waiting to win my Worker's comp. appeal to have a 4-level lumbar fusion.  I already had a 2-level fusion in my neck, but the surgery failed to fully fuse.  Therefore, I still have constant pain in my arms and hands.  My hands become completely numb throughout the day and night.  It doesn't matter what I'm doing, sleeping, walking, standing, sitting... I wake up most days with my hands being numb.    I also have three bad discs in my thoracic spine.    My headaches are getting worse, I can't sleep and I have Sleep Apnea.  I also have a bladder disorder whereby I have an Over Active Bladder (OAB) and Chronic Urinary Retention (CUR).  I wake up 3-7+ times each night to urinate; only I don't fully empty my bladder, so I keep having to go and go!  I had a neurostimulator implanted to help control my bladder, but it’s not working as well as it did during my 2 week trial period!  I also have a Drug Pump Implant to help control my CP.  I have to get the pump checked out, because it doesn't seem to be working.  It seems that everything I try to do to help improve my situation has backfired!    I left a message on my Psychologist's answer machine this morning and so far she has not bothered to return my phone call.  Meanwhile I am in limbo regarding the status of my SSD application, which was initially denied.  I had to hire an attorney to help fight for my SSD benefits.  I hired another attorney and won my worker's Comp. Case, but it's being appealed.  Since June of last year I have been without any income.  Meanwhile I have medical bills, equipment and medications I am paying for, thanks to my wife.    Sorry, I've gone on and on...I'm sure I've forgotten to mention a few other medical issues, like I was recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and I need a cane to get around.  I just fell asleep as I sit here.  The moment I go lie down in bed and try to sleep my mind jumps up and down.  The flashbacks kick in and I can't turn the voices off or stop the images that slam into my mind's eye.    This is me...in a nut shell.  What would you do if you were me?  What should I do?  I just want to get a few solid hours of sleep.  Please, somebody help me!  

Hi Charles, I just came across your frightened of possibilities thread. I see others have told you to take your medication, see your gp, see your pdoc. I didn't realise this was a continuation of another thread I hadn't seen. You can choose to find what works for you and do what works for you or you can stay suffering as you are. What you are doing atm obviously isn't working - so it is time to change things up, if you genuinely want to manage this illness and feel better. It takes work.

I agree with LW... Breathe. Try to relax. You have got a lot on your plate right now. They want you to give up on that workman's comp situation, but don't. Keep hanging in there and try hard to take it one day at a time. What you are giong through is overwhelming right now. But it is going to get sorted out. Just don't let yourself give up.

Hang in there...

Justified guilt is really healthy - and helpful. If you have not be bothering to do the things that would help, as you say you haven't, maybe apologise to your wife, promise to her that you will make things better for her sake, and that you will go about getting well and will make it up to her. She sounds like a beautiful woman and deserves every bit of your love, caring and support you can give her. She's gone through a huge storm lately and she probably is feeling pretty rattled and upset. Pick her some flowers, mow the lawn if you have one, clean out the fridge, clean the kitchen, make the bed, do the washing, mop the floor. I am a woman - and I can tell you she will LOVE IT!!!. Maybe plan a nice dinner, talk about the time you first met her and how amazing you thought she was. Maybe remember together the most special moments of your marriage so far. Maybe tell her about all the fantastic things you want to bring into your lives together and how her happiness means so much. You married her because you love her and now is probably one of those times she needs to know it - and to have it demonstrated to her by thinking how you could contribute to what is important to her. There are options that might help with your guilt, but I think making sure you make things better is the only sure fire way to get out of the guilt trap. Change is hard, and it is not lineal. Two steps forward and one step back. Look for the kind of help you actually need, because if its not the help you need even those people's best efforts cannot improve things. Maybe take the stand in your life and say "this is my life, I can see what the most effective actions I can take for me to get well, and I am going to take them, no matter how hard it is, my wife deserves me to be well and to not be impacting on her like I have been".

Any helpful options there?

Post Edited (Living Well) : 4/23/2012 11:53:09 PM (GMT-6)

suicidality is not always treated by psych hospitals. Where I live each year - hundreds of people with pdocs, tdocs and complying with medical treatment and doing all they can to support their general health are turned away from hospitals that they go to, to keep safe, and have untimely deaths. Hospitalisation is incredibly expensive and not for people as an alternative to taking their meds. Unless you are extremely rich you probably won't be admitted to a shrink hotel without first being on medication. Even if you have loads of money, there are enough people with complicated med problems that will take priority. You will find there are not many psych beds and competition for the few that are there is very fierce. Because you won't be able get in, makes explaining all about hospitalisation unnecessary.

You will need to do what we all do - we go to the gp, get a referral to pdoc, take antidepressants, eat well, do the activity our body allows. Let us know how you go with each step - we are here to support you.

Post Edited (Living Well) : 4/24/2012 7:24:25 AM (GMT-6)

NW,

You said you started medication, then you stopped it. When the doctor said don't start it, you do. What is that accomplishing? Do you not plan to go back to the doc? I am just confused.

A lot of us take medication for our depression. And that is just what you do. Take a pill and feel better. If it works, that is even better. We don't like taking medications. Nobody does. But with the chemical embalance that is called depression, that is what a lot of us have to do. And it doen't necessarily mean we are even on the right meds, but it is working at this moment.

I don't see where you are getting that anybody is in any type of a competition. Maybe LW didn't realize that you are physically messed up too. I can't mow the yard, but I do get out and walk as much as I can. Which isn't always easy. But I push myself to get out as much as I can. It does help to get out in the sunshine, if you have it. Smell the fresth air, if you have it. And just relax. Some of us are in situations that we can't change. You have your physical limitations. It makes it extra hard. You are worrying a lot. That doesn't change the outcome, it just makes it harder for you to function. Sometimes we just have to step back and look at the situation and say, I am not dealing with this today. I am not going to let this get me down. It is a start...

I hope that you feel better. You sound very angry and for that I am sorry. I hope that you feel better soon.

You have a lot on your plate. Most workmans' comp companies try really hard to get you to give up. Just keep hanging on. You will be feeling better. Things are going to start getting better for you. That will come through and so will the disability.

You ca'nt change what has happened. So you are going to have to cope with what you got. That is going to take time and patience. Keep fighting the fight. Take it only one day at a time. One moment if necessary. This ia all that you can do. You are in a situation of wating. But the appointment will come and so will the other. So hang in there. I assure you that LW didn't mean anything to hurt you. Your life is complex. There is a lot of history and we can't always remember everything. But we try.

Take it easy as you can.

Charles,
I have has ptsd and chronic pain as well. My life can be full of night terror and the crazy making torture of chronic pain. I cannot function physically and do basic chores. My situation is strikingly similar to yours and I have been managing my situation for 40 years. I feel your depression might have gone into a realm where you are unable to accept help from even a most compassionate supporter, that you have in me. That's okay, that is what happens to some people. It appears that the depression might be trying to make you to remain stuck in your suffering and explore options to manage the physical, psychiatric and emotional pain effectively (as it does for a lot of people, a lot of the time). It is more common than you might thinkand you wouldn't be alone there. No one is going to judge your for your symptoms here. Depression can stop even the most intelligent, robust people from seeing straight. Depression messes with our heads; it makes us irrational. I perceive from your last question that you are starting to fight the depressive symptoms and look at what might work - and I congratulate you on that. I have in no way wanted to make things worse for you. Please understand depression can make us feel REALLY bad about ourselves, it can make us feel hypersensitive and it can also make us feel persecuted when someone can give us exactly what we need at the right time. I would have validated you until the cows came home, but I would not merely tell you what you wanted to hear if it would have meant me lying to you - and I have too much respect for you for that. I'm allowed my perception and I expressed it to you in the spirit of hope and friendship. I hoped it be of benefit to you. Given that is your perception is, that I have been harmful to you, I will respect that and not reply any further on your thread, unless requested by you otherwise. I will answering your last question because I think I have good information to contribute for you. If you don't feel I would, you are free to not read it. I wish all the very best Charles xxxx

....In response to your last question, during your first visit with a psychiatrist - they will ask you the symptoms you are having. Let them know about the flashbacks, suicidality etc, let them know about the other illnesses you have, the chronic pain and the meds you are on for those other illnesses. (I have 7 illnesses besides my 2 psychiatric illness - it certainly gets tricky - but well worth trying to manage!). Let them know the meds you have trialled, at what dose, their effectiveness, and the side effects you experienced. It would be unusual for a trial of medication to not start straight away when you have the severity of symptoms you are having. There is no way to know how specific medications are going to work for you - every human body metabolises these medications differently - so it is trial and error for everyone. I have had over 20 med trials. Even with liver and kidney problems affecting my body's ability to metabolise these drugs, I still have managed to find stabilisation and relief. The pdoc will monitor these med trials and ensure you are getting the most effective prescriptions drugs and the most effective dose for them to have maximum benefit for you and your wellbeing. It can take awhile but it is a journey worth starting. It's just part of us living to whatever our highest capacity is - and yours is much higher than what it is atm, so I imagine it will be quite a rewarding journey. I hope my answer has been of some benefit. Take Very Good Care of You, Jade x

Post Edited (Living Well) : 4/24/2012 10:05:55 PM (GMT-6)

hi karen, i didn't delete any posts and I don't notice any missing, cheers

Living Well,

Thank you for responding in detail to my question re: what I should expect from my first Psychiatric visit.  I'm sorry for lashing out at you re: your previous posts that I can no longer see.  I have long ago lost my memory and I've overly sensitive to the real possibility that I've now lost my mind.  I remember reading other posts from you, but now they don't exist.  So I guess I've officially lost my mind?  

Please don't avoid my thread or posts now or in the future.  I do value different opinions even if I don't always agree.  I am also feeling frustrated with myself, because as much as I write it seems I either say nothing or I'm not being understood, my point is pointless, questions missed/ ignored and I seem to always have to repeat myself or who knows.  

It doesn't seem to matter much in the end.  I don't have anyone who I can rely on for support and who I can truly confide in.  My wife can't handle my depressive thoughts and tries to deny my mental issues as a way to protect her own vulnerable emotions.  I don't blame her and I don't want her to worry or be burdened with my suicidal thoughts.  She has enough to deal with by always working overtime to pay both our debts and bills.

I managed to get an earlier appointment with the Psychiatrist.  It's now on May 1st instead of May 24th.  I'm really worried, because I don't feel anything any more.  I no longer recognize myself in the mirror.  One simply, silly, stupid thing can set me off.  I've been down this road before and it's really bumpy...I just hope I'm not too late...

Charles,

I do not know where LW lives or anything but around here (I live in Illinois, USA) if you feel you are a danger to yourself or others and go to a hospital with a psychiatric department you will be evaluated in the emergency room by someone either from the psych department or from county mental health services and if it is found that you really are or truly believe yourself to be a danger to yourself or others you will be admitted for at least 72 hours even if it means putting you in the medical wing or moving someone to another wing to make room in the psych wing. In a worst case scenario they will call other hospitals in the area to find you a bed for admission.

During that initial 72 hour stay you will be seen by at least one psychologist/psychiatrist and you will also speak to specially trained nurses and counselors (who may also be on the nursing staff). During this time your needs will be evaluated and a course of treatment will be formulated and upon you approval implemented. This can mean counseling, varies types of therapies, medications, etc.

At the end of that 72 hour window one of 3 things will happen. You will be discharged if your condition has stablized enough to no longer warrant hospitalization. You will be given the option of staying longer and continuing in hospital treatment until you do stabilize. 3. They will seek a court order to keep you admitted if they believe you truly are still a danger to yourself or others. Just to you know scenario 3 is very rarely used.

Now the initial stay period does vary from state to state. Some are only 48 hours. One final thing to understand is that if you choose to admit yourself you can usually choose to leave at any time and the only way the hospital can stop that from happening is by getting a court order. If however you are brought in by the police or an ambulance because of something you did they can hold you for up to how many days the state allows....usually 48-72 hours (2-3 days).

I too have a lot of physical stuff and a lot of depression. I have had to be admitted to a Psych hosptial several times, by choicel. WHen I felt I wasn't safe, and that I needed intensive treatment, I asked to be admitted.
You go, and usually sit in Intake for a very long time. You will asked questions, and they will determine if you need the admission. Some insuraces, like mine, almost require you be suicidal for the first 24 hours, so sometimes, and I hate to say this, you have to know what to say. I usually say, I just don't feel safe with myself right now, or something, and I have been told to say this by my docs. Where I go, they have different units. People with severe disorders that have violent tendencies, or more extreme cases are usually seperate from patients with things like depression, mild bi-polar, etc. This is a good time to try different meds as well. If you have side effects, etc they can try something different usually the same day. My experience is you see a Psyck every day, and go to classes like stress managment, coping skills, leisure activies, rec, etc. Its not just locking you away in a room, sedated and restrained. (I do have a parent that works at a state mental facility and there are a few cases where this happens) but usually that is rare and seperate from the more stable patients.
If you feel this is what you need, intensive short term treatment, that will lead you to outpatient treatment give it a try. At least chat with the facility you would go to's, crisis councelor.
IF not, make an appointment with an actual psyciatrist. They will be better able to guide you. There are a lot of resources out there for those of us who struggle with mental health issues. USE THEM! Most likely your insurane will have some type of phone number to call if you need to. Don't let fear keep you from getting the help you may need. With your Phsical stuff, work closly with both your doctors. Depression is VERY common in those with medical problems and its ok to get help.
I hope you find peace and calmness soon
Ang