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Iam desperate for help!!!

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Posted 5/10/2012 3:58 PM (GMT 0)
Hi,
I have no clue why i joined this community. but i did because iam looking n every direction for help.
Iam on an intense emotional ride because of my love affair. I chose a guy who is loving. No doubt about it. But a totally confused person. He wants his parents as well as me. But his parents are not accepting and not even in a mindset to accept. he doesnt know what to do to make his parents accept. and my parents are not ready to wait more to get me married. He is not making a decision and expects me to make my parents wait. I dont knwo what to do.
I cant let go anything. iam in an immense anxiety and coming to a point of suicide. I want to kill myself to end this issue, but also doesnt have guts for that. I am tired of being on anti depressants and even quit that. Iam continuing my yoga and meditation practice but it hasnt made me better in anyways.

These days i have thought of drinking alcohol to numb this emotional pain. What do i do? How do i deal with this issue. I just wish that some god comes and take my pain away.

Sirisha
Posted 5/10/2012 6:26 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Anonymus,

And welcome to the depression forum. We aren't allowed to discuss suicide on this forum, so I can't reply about that. But I can about the other things.

Don't let your parents dictate your life. Don't rush into marriage or make him choose between you and his parents. He will only become angry about that eventually. Let the relationship go as it will. Get back on your medications. It does sound like you may need them. If you weren't depressed, I don't think you would see the things the way that you are. But most of all, let the relationship take it's course. Don't try to rush it into a life changing decision.

Stay away from alcohol. It only makes you more depressed. Why do you think that you are looking in the wrong direction for answers when the right decisions are right in front of you? I think it is the depression doing the thinking for you. I think you know what to do. And don't stop the meditation and yoga. They are both good for you. I am glad to hear that you are doing them.

Take life one day at a time. Enjoy your relationship whatever stage it may be at. Don't take it for granted by wanting to get married. Discuss it with your boyfriend and see what he wants. Then make a compromise. If you force him into this decision he may have regrets down the road. You don't want that. You want a stable relationship. You want him to be happy too. I know you can do this. Do keep up the meditation, it is so good for peace of mind. And please see a counselor. Let them know the extent of how you are feeling.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/10/2012 8:44 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Siri.  Sorry you are under so much stress about this.  You talk about what your parents want and what the guy wants.  But what I am interested in is what do YOU want.  You owe respect to  your parents, of course.  But you are not obligated to marry on a schedule that pleases  your parents (or anyone else).  You should get married to whomever YOU want and at a time that makes sense to you and your partner.  Don't let anyone else make your life stressful by imposing their expectations on you.  You should not tell them how to live their lives, and they should not tell you how to live your life.  And, really, alcohol will not solve your problems.  I personally enjoy a drink.  But if you are drinking to "kill the pain" you may well find that it increases the pain and complicates your situation instead.  Best wishes to you.  Medved.
Posted 5/11/2012 12:30 PM (GMT 0)
Siri, my advice would be to stop drinking alcohol and trial another medication and keep up the good work with you meditation and yoga.

My pdoc always says to me - if you are this bad doing all the right things, can you imagine the state you would be in if you didn't work so hard!

There are no miracle cures for depression but effective hard work on your part. You need to accept what works in curing depression, and do what is effective... and keep modifying what you are doing until those courses of action have maximum effect.

If you don't have a psychiatrist yet, you might like to get one - and counselling/psychology is very important if you can access it.

I understand your desperation.... I've been there for much of my 40 years. I have non-mania bipolar type two - I'm severely depressed 80% of the time to the point I cannot look after myself - and it is incurable, with physical problems making treatment tricky.

You have a really good shot at turning things around. Get support and comply with treatment - and keep going, never give up!

Hugs,

Jade
Posted 5/11/2012 4:54 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for your reply. Iam not pushing marriage on him. I belong to indian culture and parents has pressure to get their daughter married. My dad has been extremely nice in understanding the situation by talking to me as well as my partner. My partner told that if parents doesn't agree, he will anyways take a decision to marry me in few months. But he is just trying to prolong time but not taking any decision. the day i entered into this relation i told my partner that waiting for long time wont work. He said ok to it and said he will convince his parents within limited frame of time.
Their parents seem to be totally uncultured. when i say, i mean it. They called me , used all sorts of abusive language asked me to stay away from their son. I totally lost respect for them. the reason why iam in this relationship is for him.
If i talk about marriage, he gets mad. On other side my dad is putting pressure onme to get married.

Why do guys enter into a relationship when they have a family who doesn't accept love marriage. they should have capacity to convince parents, or their parents should have a heart to get convinced. or he should have guts to marry against them. None of these things happen. My life is screwed up. I cant think of anyother guy.. neither does he marry me.. not does he let me go...

What i want .. is Live alone... get off these bondage which is going in circles and live alone.
Posted 5/11/2012 5:14 PM (GMT 0)
It seems like you are dealing with two different cultures or beliefs. Can't you explain to your father that your boyfriend just isn't ready? Or would that go over like a lead balloon??? Meaning that he wouldn't accept that... I know it is hard to be in your position. But it looks like you are going to have to wait until he is ready. Even if your father keeps harping on it. Do you live in US?

Can you find a place of your own to live? Can you afford it? I think that would be good for you. You can take your time with things and do what feels right for you. Do you love this guy enough to get married? Or is it just pressure from your father? I really hope that things work out for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/11/2012 6:42 PM (GMT 0)
My father will not accept that and will take himself and everyone on a big emotional ride. Iam a single parented. I love my partner enough for sure and i myself want to marry him soon. Lot of waiting is creating a big gap between us.
He initially spoke something else and now he is trying to prolong. Iam really angry about it. I have no hope on their parents and they are not going to accept at all. If any person watches how his parents talk, they wouldnt even come closer again. they are so repulsive. I have no clue for what he is wasting time like this and creating an unnecessary distance between us. If his idea was not to marry until parents accept, i would have rejected his proposal in the first place and not develop so much attachment towards him.
Iam again and again telling, my life is totally screwed up.

Sirisha
Posted 5/11/2012 8:26 PM (GMT 0)
I didn't realize he proposed. That puts another light on it. But still, try not to worry about things that are out of your control. Have faith that this will work out. Try not to stress about it. What all can your father do other than create emotional upheaval? Try to ignore him. I know it isn't easy. But there is no sense in getting stressed when you should be happy right now. You are engaged...

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/17/2012 6:16 PM (GMT 0)
I hope things get better too. I was hoping that for past one year and iam totally tired. Its heights and heights of uncertainity in life that iam having problem dealing. How much ever i try to overcome this depression, its not going.
I wish i just dont exist for sometime. the voice in my head just keeps going non-stop and im not able to do anything to stop it. Im really tireddddd!
Posted 5/17/2012 8:33 PM (GMT 0)
Have you ever tried meditation? It really helps when your mind wont stop. Learn about it and try it. There are so many things in life that we can't control and we have to learn to cope. Not worry about it... I know, easier said than done. But if you have no contol over a situation, try not to worry about it. Just take life one day at a time and things will work out. Do the best that you can. Don't sweat the small stuff. You can do this... Things will get better.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 5/17/2012 10:38 PM (GMT 0)
Have you thought about emigrating? Starting a new life in a new country where you are free?

I really hope you don't marry this man. He can see the strain on you but he is not doing anything to allievate it - that is cruel imho.
His parents are abusive and don't accept or respect you. Is that what you want for the rest of your life? Being treated like crap?
Is that the environment you want to bring your children into? The pain you feel will be amplified for your children being born into such conflict, lack of respect and pain.
Your boyfriend not being able to carve the way for your future together now in the honeymoon period, might indicate that he is unlikely to be a strong husband and father to you and your potential children.

In easier circumstances it is probably possible, that you two could have a good life together - but the circumstances are far from easy.
From what you say they are unworkable and impossible.

You are caught in the crossfire of entrenched cultural practices that give you little if any personal choice and power. It hurts so bad - because it is wrong - you deserve to be free.

The pain of leaving someone you are attracted to, attached to is huge, but nothing compared to the pain of losing your future.

If you have the money, and ability, get out of India and go travelling. I've travelled the world by myself. It is possible - and enjoyable - and opens out minds to options and opportunities.

At the moment you are wearing the pain of other people's decisions. Let them have their beliefs - but it doesn't mean you can't escape, someday, someway.
Posted 5/20/2012 4:32 PM (GMT 0)
Iam totally confused... I have been doing meditation and still my frustration persists...
Every day i cry to myself..
Posted 5/20/2012 4:37 PM (GMT 0)
I feel like having wings and flying... I entered into this relationship by choice. if i leave this and go, what about other person? He is emotional man. Iam afraid he will do something to himself if iam not there.
But Iam thinking of migrating if he continues this uncertain period beyond a limit. I want to go somewhere and live alone for sometime. when the ball is in his court, he is not ready to throw it. What can anybody do about it?
Iam so tired of crying everyday to myself.
Posted 5/20/2012 6:39 PM (GMT 0)
You have to think of your own wellbeing. You can't worry about other peoples problems when you are solving your own.

I hope that things get better for you.

Hugs, Karen
Posted 8/5/2012 3:27 PM (GMT 0)
Make a decision between you and your boyfriend. It is what you both want. Do not let others dictate your life.
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